


Poetry Of Children

by alarmingcas



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Happy Ending, Jock Dean, M/M, Mechanic Dean, Poetry, Recreational Drug Use, Sibling Abuse, Tutoring, Veteran Dean, poet cas
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-25
Updated: 2014-12-14
Packaged: 2018-01-26 10:33:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 71,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1685195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alarmingcas/pseuds/alarmingcas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel Novak and his family have lived their entire life in the town of Fitchburg, Mass. on the wrong side of the tracks, quite literally. When Dean Winchester, the new football star, moves into town and starts failing English, Cas is asked to tutor him, they both find their mundane lives changing and a new, desperate need to share their secrets with each other arises. But, it will take years for them to truly discover how much the depth of the secrets they hold really is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Monday

**Author's Note:**

> [playlist](http://8tracks.com/narberry/poetry-of-children) // [inspiration tag](http://alarmingcas.tumblr.com/tagged/poetry%20of%20children) // [my tumblr](http://alarmingcas.tumblr.com/)

The clothes on my back

are faded and old

they remind me,

painstakingly,

of myself.

-

Castiel’s breath is heavy in his mouth. He can feel it leaving his lungs, traveling through his esophagus and tripping over his tongue and teeth like a real thing. Like a snake made of air and smoke. He leans his head against the scratched and chipped mirror in the bathroom and can feel, not hear, the vibrations of the music coming from him and his brother’s room next door. He turns toward the doorway, were Gabe is leaning heavily on the frame. “Dude,” Cas slurs “I think,” he pauses, thinks over his words carefully. “There was something in that _shit._ ”

Gabriel snorts loudly. He leans away from the door toward Cas, as if about to tell an important secret, Cas leans in, too. “Baby bro,” he stares at him solemnly before cackling and pushing a bottle into Cas’ hands. “I think you are completely correct.” He shouts over the music that Cas can now hear _very_ well.

Cas takes a long pull of the amber liquid feeling the burn run down his throat, mingling with the air snakes that lived there now, before laughing loudly with his brother. Both of them doubling over, howling at their own ridiculousness.

A long awaited shout from down the hall sobers them for a moment. “Can you turn that goddamn music down?” The scream silences them. They pause before snickering into their palms and pulling and pushing each other into back into their room shutting the door and continuing the night’s debauchery behind it. They never turned down the music.

-

The sunlight that streams through the broken and dented vertical blinds is too much for Cas’ addled brain. An incoherent groan escapes his mouth, at the sight of dust motes floating through air, before his brain processes the incorrectness of the sun in his and Gabe’s room. “Gabe,” he grumbles his voice still heavy with sleep “where’s the blanket? The one on the window?” He waits; no reply. “Gabe?” He says, louder this time.

He’s met with an “Ugh.” from the bunk beds on the other side of the room. Cas’ brain begins to process again. He’s lying on the floor underneath the only window in their room. He peers through narrowed eyelids. From this vantage point he cans see the plains of his floor. It was crummy, covered in small debris from food and other bits and pieces (they never vacuumed it), clothes (dirty and clean alike), books, trash bags, game controllers and wires. It was gross. He thinks this all over before receiving an answer from the lump of pillows and blankets on the top bunk. “You pulled it off last night.” It murmurs. “You’re sleeping on top of it.”

Cas remembers it now.

_“Why in the fuck”_ _Cas had yelled, throwing something, his alarm clock maybe, at the door of their room where it hit and landed with a satisfying crack and a thunk. “Is this fucking trailer so cold all the goddamn time?” Gabe had howled with laughter and Cas grew angrier. Turning sharply away from the door and clutching the makeshift curtain, pulling it down and falling with it, rolling himself into it on the floor, where he’d stayed._

Cas looks down to the blanket, camouflage with man-made and moth-made holes littering it. “What time is?” He says clearer now that he’s given his brain time to wake up, watching his breath make puffs in the early morning, October air. A moment passes. “What day is it?”

A hands snakes out of the blankets and reaches for the phone that is balanced, precariously on the bed post. “Six forty-three, Monday the sixth in October, this the year of our Lord two-thous-”

“I get it,” Cas cuts him off “you don’t have to be such an assbutt.”

This earned a chuckle from Gabe. “That’s not even a real insult, baby bro.” He says, with no malice in his voice. “Shouldn’t you be getting ready for school?”

Cas groans at that and pushes himself up onto his elbows and looked down at his body. He’s still fully dressed from yesterday in a pair of jeans, faded and ripped, and a t-shirt, with a bar’s logo plastered on it. He scans the room for a pair of shoes and grabs the pair, conveniently located next to where his head had been, pulling them on and realizing they’re Gabe’s, but going with it anyway. They share most the clothes in the room, Cas knows he won’t care.

Cas unsteadily pushes himself to his feet and braces himself on the desk. There was no chair at the desk, it had been lost to the woodstove some years ago, on it was a small TV flanked by two game consoles, it was the only piece of the room that anyone would consider clean but, it was still dusty and kind of crummy. Cas swiped a hand over the top of the TV and it came away grey. He stared at his hand and it slowly dawned on him that he was still slightly inebriated. He turned to his brother, now stretching on the bed, his hairy legs pushed out from beneath the covers. “Gabe, what was in that in that shit we smoked last night?” Cas said letting his eyes wander back to his hand still covered in dust, he made no move to wipe it off. For a second he entertained the thought of walking around the halls of his high school with a hand covered in dust.

Gabe pushes himself up on to arms letting the blankets fall away from his chest, hazel eyes shining in the morning sun. “I don’t know man, Kali gave it to me. But, you know my girl,” a sweet, hazy smile graces his face “she always takes care of us. I wouldn’t be surprised if I was, at least, a little fucked for the rest of the day.”

Cas finally, pushing himself off the safety of the desk and, let his head swim and his body walk toward the door, grabbing a hoodie and his backpack off of his bed and pulling them on as he left. Muttering a warning to Gabe to be careful getting off of the bed, he walked out into the small cramped hallway only to be assaulted by a pair of hands roughly shoving him against the wall, letting his head bounce sharply off the plywood that covered it.

“What the fucking hell is wrong with you?” Michael pulled him away from the wall and slammed him against again, harder this time, his head bouncing sharper on to the wall. He lifts him up off of the dingy gray carpeting by the collar of his hoodie. “You two fuck-ups were up until three o’ clock in the morning.” Cas stares down at his older brother’s yellow construction boots, old but neat and not dirty at all. The laces are new, he dimly notes. His douchebag brother seethes, and Cas realizes he might actually want an answer. He looks away from the boots and up to Michael’s furious blue eyes.

Cas tries for nonchalance “Mike, we weren’t doing anything. Chill.” It comes out horribly not nonchalant and at that Michael pulls him away from the wall and slams him a third time, even harder. Cas can hear something fall over in his room on the other side the wall along with a muffled _‘What the fuck?’_ from Gabe. A second later Gabe burst out of their room.

“Michael, what the fuck are you doing?” Gabe yells and pushes him away from Cas, standing in between them in the narrow hallway. The air is thick as they hold eye contact, unwavering.

Michael breaks the silence first. “You two are fucking idiots.” Gabe opens his mouth to retaliate but is shut down by Michael. “How can you even think straight at that dead-end job of yours with all shit you smoke and drink and whatever into your body?” He punctuated his words with a jab of his pointer finger to Gabe’s temple. Gabe turned his head away slightly, his mouth now a thin line. Michael returns his attention to Cas, his eyes are as cold as ice. “And you, why don’t you just save yourself the time and drop out now, like this fuck head.” He pushes the two boys away from him and stalks down the hallway to the living room.

“Gabriel,” Cas starts quietly. “I’m-”

Gabe cuts him off. “No, it’s not your fault that-” He pauses swallowing heavily, pointing down the hallway. “That he thinks he’s better than me because he finished high school.” He spits the last few words as he storms back into their room, slamming the door.

Cas breaths slowly, unevenly, and drops his chin down to his chest, closing his eyes against the memory of Michael’s cold blue eyes juxtaposed painfully next to every memory of every time a stranger, aunt or, friend of their parents that had gushed at just how much they looked alike. The same blue eyes and dark almost black hair of their father pushed on to the same gangly pale bodies like their mother, as children they were almost the same person. But, that was before Mom and Luc and Anna. It was before Cas’ whole family went to shit. He pushes the heels of his hands into his eyes chasing away sleep and the tears that threaten to spill. _‘Well, there goes that high.’_ He thinks once he gets them under control. He goes to the fourth and final room in the hallway before the trailer opens into the living room/kitchen, and knocks gently. “Anna?” he asks quietly.

“Come in, Castiel.” The clearly annoyed girl sounds from behind the door. Cas pushes the door open into the, hands-down cleanest room in the trailer. _‘She actually cleans up in here.’_ Cas thinks to himself. Anna currently sits at the vanity brushing out her long, bright red hair.

Cas stands in the doorway admiring her for a second, so neat and quiet, so unlike her older brothers. “I’m sorry about that.” He gestures over his shoulder to the hallway.

She stops brushing and turns around in the chair. “And?” She asks expectantly, arms crossed and eyebrows shooting up.

“And about last night. Gabriel and I got pretty carried away.” He sighs. “I just, uh, I-”

“I get it,” Anna chides. “You don’t have to explain yourself that much. Just try and keep the music down next time you blast off into oblivion.” She rises and grabs her bag off her bed. “Come on, we need to catch the bus.” She brushes past him toward the front door.

“Did you eat?” Cas calls, walking after her.

“Yeah, before you woke up.” She calls over her shoulder as she hops down the step and toward the road. Cas trails behind her down the street for a minute or so, they’re almost at the corner of the street and this is where Anna isn’t Cas’ thirteen year-old little sister anymore. She stops at the sign that says ‘BUS STOP’ and she transforms. Cas catches up to her at the corner and she says nothing, putting her ear buds in and cranking up the volume on her iPod. She was blessed to be the only person in the Novak household with the name ‘Milton’. Her eyes slide over Cas as if he isn’t there and stares down the road waiting for the bus. Every day, since Anna turned ten and realized that the name Novak was a household name in this town, in the worst kind of way, she pretended that she wasn’t the boy’s sister, well, half-sister, and told everyone the according lies to keep herself safe.

Cas follows her gaze down the road and watches as the yellow school bus trundles around the bend in the road toward the two. When it groans to a stop in front of them and the door creaks open Anna gets on immediately but, Cas hesitates looking down the road before placing a foot on the first step but moving no further.

“Hey, kid, what the hell are you doing?” The bus driver, who has never actually spoken two words to anyone on the bus, grunts out.

Cas turns away from the road and faces the driver. “There are two other kids who get on the bus at this stop. They’re not here.”

“I don’t care.” The driver groans. “Maybe they got a ride. Drop it, kid.” A pause and Cas turns his head back to the road. “Look, are you on or are you off? Make up your mind!” The bus is quiet.

“No,” Cas says and points down the road “here they come.” The driver groans and Cas doesn’t move from his spot halfway on the bus until the two boys who’d been sprinting down the road toward the bus are a few steps away.

“Thanks, Cas!” Alfie, the taller of the two boys, squeaked out.

 Cas pulled himself onto the bus under the glare of the bus driver and most of the other kids on it. Cas knew what he looked like; messy hair sticking up and sometimes falling into his face, more often than not, bloodshot and tired eyes, clothes baggy or worn through in some places and to round it all off a strange stiff posture. So, while it was not confusing why kids threw their bags in the seat next to them or stretched out their legs so he wouldn’t sit near him when he got on, not that he would want to, it was infinitely perplexing why these two boys had taken such a shining to him. Ever since the day they were born and Cas had been old enough to babysit them they had stuck to him like glue. He was there source of all knowledge until they started school and even then they’d always come back to Castiel for conformation.

Cas has tried his best to answer all their questions, and they hadn’t stopped since. The boys, Alfred and Samandriel, lived on the other side of the park with their mother and older brother Matt, who despite going to the same school as Cas, had been never seen. For twenty minutes every morning Cas is jostled by the bus going along the road getting bombarded by some of the strangest things these two things could think of. Some days Cas really believes they take everything he says as the gospel truth. Another day, another game of one million questions.

The boys, Anna and a little over half the bus get off to file into the gray brick building know as Fitchburg Middle School and Cas takes the rest of the fifteen minute ride in silence. On some days he misses the incessant chatter of the twins, on days like today, when his headache will make at least the first three periods of class impossible, he welcomes the older kid’s stony silences.

-

The bus finally pulls to a stop in front of the squat, red brick buildings, right next to the student parking lot, ten minutes before the first bell. Cas works his way through the crowded noisy hallways of Fitchburg High School and does his best to avoid, well, just about everyone. Keeping his head down and charging through the surging masses to get to his locker before the first bell was always Castiel’s preferred method.

“Cas! Cas, hold up!” Castiel turned to see the dark brown head of Meg Masters bobbing through the crowd with the tall blond figure of Balthazar striding behind her. Cas stood in the middle of flow of students to wait for them. When they finally catch up to him crowds up against him, pushing him further down the hall. “You look like hell.”

“Good morning to you too, Meg. My weekend was fine, yours?” Cas replies sarcastically.

Balthazar snorts from behind them. “It doesn’t look like you had a ‘fine weekend’, Cassie. It looks the weekend smashed you upside the head.”

“It kind of did.” Cas muttered as they reached his locker and he began to twist the lock open. Balthazar leaned against the locker next to Cas’ as Meg opened her own on the opposite side.

“Was Michael being an ass, again?” Balthazar asked as Cas began shoving and pushing around books and gym clothes in his locker.

Cas shrugged. “He was justified.  Gabe and I were fucking around and being loud. You know the usual.”

“ _Cas._ ” Meg warned from the other locker sticking her head out. Balthazar and Castiel sighed, both knowing the usual speech that was about to come out of Meg. “No one is _justified_ when-”

“Did you eat anything this morning?” Balthazar cut in and Cas turned his full attention to him.

“No, Balth. I did not.” Cas said simply, throwing an apologetic smile at Meg. She huffed from next them but let it go, knowing the moment to whip out her ‘no one should be allowed to hurt you’ speech will inevitably come up in the future. Balthazar dug in to his shoulder bag and produced a handful of green and white wrapped bars.

“My mother sent me a package from home and it was filled with these god-awful Trek bars. I hate them but, you might not.” He shoved them into Cas’ hands and zipped up his bag.

Cas looked down at them. “Oat Raisin and Peanut & Oat.” He read. “Why does your mom send them even if you don’t like them?” Cas asked before ripping open the Oat Raisin and biting into it. It wasn’t that bad, as far as energy bars go.

The first warning bell and the boys said goodbye to Meg as she slipped away to her first period and they walked in the opposite direction. “She thinks I’m not getting enough nutrition eating this dreadful American food that is, in her mind, being forced down my throat. So, every month or so she sends a box full of bars and other shit.” Balth shrugged it off. Cas was just finishing the first bar when they pushed open the door to their first period of the day, pre-calc. “Mrs. Mills.” Balth mocked saluted their teacher as they slid into their seats being one of the few students who got to the class before the final bell rang.

“Boys.” She nodded at them before picking up her clipboard and walking to their desks in the middle of the room. “Do either of you have your homework.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Balthazar said promptly, pulling out his folder and presenting the equations with an unneeded flourish. Cas slumped down into his bag and pulled out his notebook and let it fall open to the right page.

Mrs. Mills put Balthazar’s page back down in front of him. “You got number seven and thirteen wrong.” She said as she marked down a check next to Balthazar’s name and moved over to Cas’ desk. “Don’t worry though; I didn’t really expect anyone to get thirteen…” She trailed off looking at Cas’ paper. “Huh, color me impressed Castiel.”

“Why?” Cas pulled himself out the slouch he was in and looked up at her.

“You got them all right, even number thirteen.” She smiled down at him. “Very good.” She marked him down on her clipboard and moved on as more and more students began to fill the desks around Cas and Balth.

“Very good, Cassie.” Balthazar mocked, leaning in close so as not be heard by the teacher. Cas just smiled, a small smile, down at his paper.

-

By the time pre-calc had ended Cas’ headache and high had ebbed some of the ways away and Cas realized he might be able to make it through the day. Gabriel however, he mused, might not be able to. He’d taken in a lot more than Cas. The rest of day passed in a slow, boring blur, it seemed to take forever before Cas was settling down in lunch next to Meg and Uriel. Meg and Uriel never saw eye to eye and Cas imagined if it weren’t for him being a buffer for them, they would have ripped each other’s throats out by now. But, it was fine and they had formed an unstable truce as a result of it.

They were already talking by the time he sat down. “Well, I mean it’s a little weird.” Uriel said before taking a bite of his burger and chewing a moment before speaking again. “The guy’s only been here, what, a month? And he’s already on first string. Also, he’s only a sophomore, isn’t that illegal or something?”

Meg shrugged. “As legal as you can get when you’re pitting teenagers against each other in a dangerous over-glorified game of catch that only makes you hate the people who live in your vicinity more.” She nabbed a fry off of Uriel’s tray and grinned as she bit into it, knowing that this act would drive him crazy. Uriel just huffed and pulled his tray closer to himself, shooting a glare at her from across the table.

“Who are we talking about?” Cas asked as he sat down across from Uriel, next to Meg.

“Some new football kid. Apparently he’s stomping all over Uriel’s dreams of following in his brother’s footsteps as king of the douche nozzles.” Meg said, thankfully focused back on her own tray of food.

Uriel drew himself up and glowered at Meg. “He is not.” He said sternly to Meg before relaxing slightly and turning to Cas. “I just swear, he’s on something. I just don’t know what it is.” Castiel smiled down at his own tray if only to hide the laughter behind his eyes. “Seriously, Cas, he’s the same height as you and like, more cut.” Uriel threw up his hands in exasperation.

Castiel looked back up to his friend. “If the coach wants him on the team then who are you to question it?” he said calmly his voice not betraying his amusement but Meg snorted a little and a smile twitched at the edge of his lips. “I mean by all means, go ahead but, just be ready when the hammer comes down on you.”

He held his eyes for a moment. “Fine,” Uriel gave up. “Can we talk about something else, now?” After that lunch passed with minimal conversation, Uriel still distracted and Meg not in the mood to tease him with such a short fuse.

The next two classes passed without incident and Cas thought today he’d be able slip out of Monday easily. But, that was remedied at the beginning of ninth period, Honors English. He walked in right before the bell rang and slumped down into his seat as Mr. Shurley began handing out last week’s papers on Beowulf. Mr. Shurley was easily Cas’ favorite teacher, with Mrs. Mills coming in at a close second only because Cas was a better writer than he was a mathematician. When he got to Cas’ desk she slipped his paper and right next to the red, circled A- was a yellow post it note. _‘Please see me after class!’_ A stone sunk to the bottom of his stomach.

Class passed in a distracted haze, Cas sat at his desk constantly picking at the post-it note he’d pulled off his paper and stuck to the desk, his eyes never straying far from the yellow paper and the red letters.  An A- wasn’t, by far, the worst grade he’d ever received in this class and it also wasn’t the best. Castiel spent most of the class mulling over everything he’d done in the class and wondering which one was grounds enough to get in trouble with Mr. Shurley. Finally, the final bell rang and everyone rushed to pack up and get on with their afternoons. Cas pushed his books into his bag and as the last few people were leaving, he was just getting up to her desk.

“Castiel, you’re still here, very good.” The words turned in his stomach, the exact opposite reaction of this morning. Mr. Shurley finally looked up from marking the last paper on his desk to see Cas’ stricken face. “Oh!” He gasped. “Cas, it’s nothing bad. You’re not in trouble at all.” The tension slipped from Cas’ shoulders and he smiled wide. “No, it’s about another student, a new one.” Mr. Shurley stood up and walked around to Cas on the other side of the desk, he only came up to his shoulder. “In the tenth grade English class I teach we just started our poetry unit and well, he’s struggling with it. I remembered today how well you did with that last year and since you have the highest grade in this class I was wondering if you could possibly tutor him a bit.” Cas had a moment of indecision before looking at Mr. Shurley’s face. It was worried and he was fidgeting with his hands as he stared up to Cas’ face.

Cas opened his mouth to turn down Mr. Shurley, to _‘No, I’m sorry Mr. Shurley.’ ‘I really can’t help.’ ‘I wouldn’t know how to tutor someone about poetry in the first place.’_ Any amount of excuses that would get Cas away from this responsibility, when his phone began to buzz in his pocket. He pulled it out. “I’m sorry Mr. Shurley, it’s my brother. One second, please.”

“Yes, of course.”

Cas picked up. “Where are you? All the buses are gone and if I wait any longer I’ll be late to work.” Gabe hissed through the receiver.

“I’m sorry, Gabe.” Cas says earnestly. “Just give me one second; I’m talking to my teacher. It’ll be really quick, I’m sorry.”

“Fine, just hurry, seriously.” Gabe said hurriedly, hanging up.

Cas turned around to Mr. Shurley He thought of all of the things he wanted to say earlier but what came out was “Can I get back to you tomorrow?” Cas internally winced.

“That’s fine, Cas.” Mr. Shurley said sitting back down at his desk. “I can have him meet you, tomorrow after school. That way you can see if he’s someone you can work with?” He looked hopeful.

Cas slumped a little. “That would be fine, Mr. Shurley I’ll see you then.” He said as he walked out the door not really hearing his return pleasantry. Cas ran out the doors and down the wide steps to the front curb where his brother’s beat up car sat idling. “Gabe,” he panted slightly as he pulled open the front door and slid into the seat, shoving his bag down with his feet. “I’m really sorry. My teacher needed to talk to me.”

“Whatever.” Gabe grunted, pulling away from the curb and onto the street. “What happened, you in trouble, or something?” Gabe was already dressed for work in a light blue pair of scrubs and white sneakers. When Gabe had turned sixteen and dropped out of school and then gotten his GED he’d started taking these training courses to be an LNA, and started working at a ‘Rest Home’ on the other side of town. Castiel didn’t exactly understand the entire job that Gabe did but he did know that it made him more money than when he’d worked at McDonald’s.

Cas sighed. “No, my teacher wants me to tutor this new student who doesn’t get poetry, or something.”

Gabriel huffed after a moment of silence. “Is he going to pay you?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never met him. And probably not.” Cas shrugged wondering what Gabe was getting at.

“Then don’t do it. It’ll only distract you from your new job.” Cas shot him a questioning look. “Open the glove compartment.” He clicked it open, inside, on top the title and packet of insurance information, were three pieces of paper stapled together with boxes and long paragraphs of information and more boxes and blank spots to fill in. At the very top it said “Fitchburg Rest Home”. “It’s an application.” Gabe said as way of explanation and after a beat of silence continued on. “They’ve been having a hard time filling all the shifts in the kitchen and they need someone to pick up their four to seven shifts. It’s not particularly mentally taxing work and, the money’s not too bad.” Gabe shrugged. “Think about it.”

Cas leaned his head against the window and stared out at the passing trees and houses. “I’ll think about it.” Cas said. They passed the rest of the ride in relative silence, only broken when Gabe turned on the radio to some pop station, letting it cover the silence between them. At the end of their street Gabe rolled to a stop. “Kay, little bro, this is the end of the line.” Cas moved to get out of the car and walk down the road to their house. “Hey,” Gabe called as just as Cas stood up straight outside of the car door. “I’m working a double shift, so I won’t be back until tomorrow morning.”

Cas shrugged. “Okay, see you then.” He reached out to close the door when Gabe stopped him again.

“If I get back early enough do you want me to drive you to school?”

“No, I’d rather you get some sleep.” Cas pushed the door shut.

Gabe rolled down the window. “Okay, just think about the job.” Cas nodded and waved to his brother before he drove off.

Cas didn’t think about it. He entered the trailer and called to his sister behind her closed door. “Wake me up when you want dinner. Okay?” and heard something like affirmation from the other side of it. He slouched into his room and flopped down on the bottom bunk trying to will his eyes shut and his brain off. After twenty minutes of calm contemplation of the underside of his brother’s bunk something in Cas popped and he shot straight up into a sitting position. Cas shut his eyes tight now trying to stave off the sudden burst of shaky, nervous energy that filled his body now. Unable to do so they snapped open and scanning the room, he saw that the blanket from the window that he’d been wrapped up in that morning was still on the ground. He pushed himself across the room suddenly and made an attempt to get it to hang off the pegs on the window like it had been before. When he finally got it up the room was a little darker than before and Cas took a few deep breaths. _In through your nose out through your mouth, just like Gabe told you._ Cas felt calm now not lethargic like he’d thought he was leading up to the burst of energy but calm. He settled down on his bed and pulled out his book for Honors English and tried to lose himself in the story but, it proved difficult.

After what felt like hours of reading the same page over and over again there was a soft knock on his door. “Cas?”

Cas grunted in response, apparently the word ‘Galahad’ was now too interesting to tear his eyes off of or form coherent thought outside of it. The door creaked open and that peaked Cas’ interest enough to start turning his head finally tearing his eyes away from the book to see Anna’s head peaking around the corner into his room. “Did you want dinner?” Cas asked not bothering to check the time and see that it was only a little after four and far too early to eat.

“No,” Anna said almost apologetically, “A friend invited me over to her house to work on a project and stay for dinner. Is that cool?”

Castiel stared a beat too long before breaking out of his reverie. “Of course it’s fine. You never have to ask.” Cas mumbled turning back to his book fully expecting her to leave right away. When she didn’t, Cas turned back to her. “Did you need a ride or someone to walk you there?” He asked, lost as to why she’d hung around him even this long.

She stood up straighter in the door frame. “No, I don’t need a ride,” She huffed. “I just wanted to make sure you knew so you wouldn’t wait for me to make something to eat.” She stared at him.

“I’m actually just going to turn in now.” Cas said throwing the book in the general direction of his bag and toeing off his shoes.

“Cas,” Anna began before trailing off and letting her brother settle in under his covers. “Sleep well, then.” Anna murmured before turning around and shutting the door leaving Cas in the almost darkness of his room.

He sighed and as he got settled letting the bone hurt of exhaustion settle with him. He’d felt it ever since he woke up this morning and he knew he’d feel it when he woke up, and every time he woke up, no matter how long he slept. His eyes slipped shut and he laid there not moving mimicking sleep for hours before it came. Even then his body woke him at every chance it got, a bird singing outside, Mike returning home from his construction job and making himself dinner in the kitchen, the settling of the trailer on it’s foundation, Anna finally returning home a little after dark, the house phone ringing, all sorts of night sounds and finally Gabe returning home as the sun pushed up over the horizon.

“You up?” he whispered as he crept into the room.

“Of course I’m up.” Cas said sitting up and eyeing his brother in the small amounts of light that were filtering through the windows.

“I drank like five cups of coffee so I wouldn’t crash and burn by the end of my shift. If you want I can make you some breakfast and then drive you to school. Sound good?” Gabe rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet.

Cas yawned into his hand. “Sounds good, just let me take a shower first.”

-

A quick, luke-warm shower later Cas was sitting down at the tiny table in their kitchen with a small pile of toast and jam in front of him. Crunching toast and the sound of hot, weak, black coffee being sipped was the only sound as the two brothers watched the sun rise.

Gabe cleared his throat. “You ready for Tuesday?”

Cas nodded solemnly not looking away from the pink morning sky. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey humans,  
> This is the very first chapter of my very first fic and I'm feeling like I ate a bowling ball. So, all good over here. I have no clue how long this is going to be but I do have /most/ of the plot planned (give or take a few points), so bear with me as this goes along. I know Dean's not in this chapter, physically, but the next one is all about him, so no worries! I'll update this every Saturday.  
> Thank you so much for reading and don't forget to tell me what you think!  
> 


	2. A Ride Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean Winchester finally meets his new tutor, Castiel Novak and everyone seems to have something to say about him.

The clothes on my back

are soft and worn.

someone else,

unthinkingly,

handed them down.

-

 _Pitpatpitpat._ Dean groan’s and rolls over away from the door from which he hear the _‘pitpat’_ of Sam’s bare, twelve year old feet slapping against the wood of the hallway. It goes up and down past his door a few more times before Dean pulls the pillow over his head. “Go back to bed, Sammy. It’s like five o’clock in the morning.”

The door creaks open and without Dean turning over he know his floppy haired younger brother is sticking his neck into his room. “It’s actually almost 5:30.”

Dean throws his pillow at the wall in the general direction of the door. “Well,” he says, sarcastically. “That makes a world of difference.” Dean sighs, which turns into a yawn, and swings his legs off the bed. “What do you want for breakfast?” He asks, still yawning and facing away from the door.

“I don’t know what we’ve got in the kitchen.” Sam says uncertainly. Dean finally turns around to face him and sees the worried set in his brow and the awkwardness in the way he stands on the threshold of his room, the door still only halfway open.

Dean makes a ‘come here’ gesture and Sam comes and sits on his bed next to him and Dean claps his hand on his shoulder. “This is weird, right?” Sam nods, mutely. “But, it is what you wanted, right?” Sam doesn’t respond so Dean continues after a pause. “A house, with a bookshelf and cupboards and whatever else comes with a house, to stay in a school for longer than a month or two, right?”

Sam finally looks up. “Yeah but,” Sam chews his lip, shrugs.

“It feels weird.” Dean finishes for him, letting his hand fall and the moment pass. “I think you really cashed in all your chips with this request so, never expect anything nice again.” He jokes.

Sam laughs. “Yeah but, we still have all your brownie points racked up so, maybe we can still get, like, a playstation or something, right?”

Dean stands and stretches upwards hearing the satisfying pops and cracks from his back and shoulders. “I think I used up a fair few of mine, too.” He says before walking out of his room and calling back “Come on, I’ll make you an omelet or something.”

The kitchen of the house was small but, not confining in anyway, everything needed to make breakfast was just a step or two away from Dean at any moment. He liked that. Dean crouched in front of the refrigerator and pulled the eggs out. “What do you want Sam?” He asked sparing a glance over at the counter where he sat on the stool facing Dean. “We got cheese, onions, peppers,” he listed as he rummaged through the fridge. “Uh, ham and mushrooms, anything sound good?”

Sam thought for a moment. “Cheese and mushroom, please?”

Dean clutched his heart in mock pain. “Ugh,” he complained pulling out the ingredients, “you’re, by far, the grossest twelve year old I’ve ever met.”

“So, you must have never met yourself when you were twelve?” Sam shot back.

Dean grinned, “Touché, Sammy, touché.” And set about making their omelets.

-

Sam slid into the passenger seat of the Impala next to Dean. “Hey, Dean?” he asked as he put on his seatbelt.

“What’s up?” Dean slung his arm over the middle of the seat and started to back out of the driveway, only when they were on the road did Sam speak again.

“What if Dad can’t make rent? Like, what if his haul isn’t big enough and he doesn’t make enough money to pay for the month, will we get kicked out?” Sam rushed out.

“Sam,” Dean said incredulously “why would you think he won’t make enough money?” Sam gave Dean a long look and Dean sighed. Dean turned the corner. “Okay,” He finally relented. “How about this, I’ll get an after school job and I’ll save the money up in case the day ever comes where he can’t make the rent. Okay? Does that sound okay?”

Sam chewed his lip. “Can I get a job, too?”

Dean shrugged. “If you can find one were they‘ll hire a twelve year old who like mushrooms, go for it.”  They both laughed loudly and Sam lightly punched him on the shoulder. 

When they finally pulled up to the middle school and Sam got out they were both in better moods but, a thought crossed Sam’s mind and he leaned back down into the open passenger side window. “Dean, when is dad coming back from this trip?”

“I don’t know, I think in a month or two. I’ll ask him next time he gets the satellite phone, okay?” Sammy nodded and backed away from the car, waving, so Dean could drive off. Now, alone inside the car Dean cranked up the radio and tapped his hands on the steering wheel. He pulled up to Fitchburg High just as the final notes of _Wanted Dead or Alive_ were fading and he flicked off the radio before pulling the Impala into the first available space in the student parking lot. Dean checked the clock on the radio before pulling the key out of the ignition; he still had a few minutes before the morning warning bell sounded and several groups of kids are still loitering outside in groups. Dean pushed his hands above his head and stretched his legs out next to the pedals until he heard his back pop in several places and relaxed with his eyes closed.

 _‘knockknockknock’_ Dean reached over to the passenger side and unlocked the door for the firey red-head to dip in to the seat. “Heya, Dean.” Charlie said slinging her saddle bag onto “her lap and shutting the door against the crisp autumn air. “Ugh, I can’t wait until you get your letterman jacket next year.” She groused pulling her sweater tighter around her body.

“Why would _you_ be excited for _my_ jacket?” Dean asked reaching to the backseat and pulling his backpack into the front with them.

Charlie sighed as if Dean was the slowest person she’d met to date and turned fully to him in her seat. “Dean, when you get your jacket who do you think is going to steal it the most?” Dean shrugged and Charlie gave him another self-suffering sigh. “Me, Dean, I’m going to steal it all the time because I’m your best friend.”

He laughed out loud and popped his own door open. “Charlie, if you think you’re going to steal my jacket, you’ve got another thing coming.” He grinned and got out sharing a glance as they both resurfaced over the top of the car. “And anyway, if people see you in my letterman next year they’re going to think we’re together.” He rounded the back of the car and started walking toward the front door of the school with Charlie as the buses rolled away.

Charlie shook her head. “First of all, everyone in this school knows I’m gay as the fourth of July and second of all when did you start caring who the school thinks you’re dating?”

They reached the first intersection of the main hallway where Charlie locker was located. “My girlfriend might mind.” Dean shrugged as she spun her lock.

She turned around with a scandalized look on her face. “Dean Winchester, you have a girlfriend and you didn’t even tell me?” she hissed.

Dean threw his head back and laughed. “No, like a hypothetical girlfriend, the one I may have in the future that may or may not want to wear my letterman jacket.” He clarified, grinning at her look of horror.

“You would put your fake relationship in front of our friendship.” She smiled and pushed her books into his arms. “I’m appalled, now you have to carry my books to class you great, insensitive brute.” Still grinning and laughing, they made their way down to the hallway to their first class; chemistry.

With the teacher, Mr. Shnidley, droning on about protons and positive charges, Dean and Charlie passed notes back in forth in the back row, until a girl walked through the door and handed Mr. Shnidley a slip of paper and left, throwing off his monotonous speech. “Dean Winchester?” he said in the same monotone he used to describe the table of elements.

Dean’s head snapped up from the piece of paper he’d been scribbling on to Charlie having completely missed the exchange, “Yes, Mr. Shnidley?”

Mr. Shnidley sighed and regarded the slip of paper. “It says here you’re supposed to report to Miss Moseley’s office right now. You should take your thing with you.” He said with a bored shrug and turned back to the blackboard to scribble out more confusing diagrams. Dean pushed the half-finished drawing of Dick Roman in unflattering clothes and a compromising situation over to Charlie and pulled his bag off the ground, slinging it over his shoulder and slipped out of the class, only catching the beginnings of Charlie’s breathy quiet laughter.

Missouri Moseley’s office was an actual office, not the anything like the partitioned off cubicles in the corners of main offices everywhere that Dean had come to expect from the several other high school’s he’d attended in his life. Her room was directly of the main hall and the door was flung open, on the ground the beige tile was covered by dark carpets and the industrial overhead lights were shut off, all the light came from the three floor lamps in three of the corners of the room giving it a softer feel. The desk, which sat directly in the middle of the room and took up about a third of the room, was light wood and was covered in picture frames, a cup full of pens, pencils and various other utensils, other bobbles and, a name plate that read ‘Missouri Moseley’ front and center on it.

There was, however, no one behind the desk. Dean stood in the doorway feeling awkward, like he was intruding on someone else turf. “Boy, you going to stand there all day or are you going to get a move on into my office?” A soft but demanding voice ordered from behind him.

Dean spun around and was faced with a stoutish black woman staring up at him with a frank expression on her face. “You, uh, must be Miss Moseley. I-I’m so sorry I just didn’t know where you were and I didn’t want to encroach on your-” Dean floundered and faded off, when her expression didn’t change.

“Sit down.” She said again, moving past him into the office and immediately going to the filing cabinets crammed behind her desk. Dean backed up into the chair on the other side of the desk. Finally she turned around with a thick folder in hand and sat in the chair opposite Dean, never looking at him. “Now,” she opened the folder and began to flip through it. “If you’re Dean Winchester, and I know you are,” she turned a warning eye on him as if daring him to disagree, “then you have attended four schools not including this one in your one year and one month of high school.” She wilted a little as she pulled out another paper. “And don’t get me started on your middle schools.” She finally looked back up at him facing him fully now. “Why, may I ask, are you school-hopping?”

“School-hopping? What is that?” Dean asked after a moment of bewilderment.

“School-hopping is when a child is somehow enrolled in a different school every few months and no one catches it, sometimes it’s behavioral, sometimes it’s because of the grades and, sometimes it’s because of some other convoluted reason. Now tell me why.” Her voice had an edge to it now.

“My dad is a fisherman.” Dean blurts out. “He goes to a different port every season or so because he says the biggest hauls of fish or whatever will be there. He tracks the currents and watches the signs and says he knows where the all the money is going to end up.”

Miss Moseley leaned back in her chair still eyeing. “And he drags you along with him?” Dean nodded. “Is he always right about ‘where the money is’?”

Dean shrugged and murmured. “About 70/30.”

“So, you and yours are just going to run off to some new town after few months?”

“No,” Dean rushed out, jumping forward in his seat a little. “My brother and I staying here and my dad’s going to keep fishing. We’re sticking around until Sammy graduates High School.”

“Who are you staying with?”

“My uncle,” Dean lies easily; he’s done this a thousand times. “My Uncle Bobby.”

Miss Moseley eyed him critically for a long moment and Dean started to sweat a little. Does she know? He wonders. How could she had figured out that Bobby wasn’t their uncle or that he lived a town over or that- “Okay,” She finally says and Dean fights to not sigh deeply in relief. “Let’s talk about your grades.” Dean tenses up again. “You’ve done marginally well for a kid that’s been moving up and down the Eastern Seaboard for most of his schooling but, you are a tad below average in a few subjects.” She shuffles more papers. “English seems to be the one you’re struggling most in currently.” Dean stays silent, slumped a little in his chair. Most of his grades improved as he found that he would be sticking with the same teachers and lessons plans but, there was something about the language he’d been speaking since he was two. The poetry section wasn’t helping either. There was something about the flowery metaphors and hidden meanings of it that were completely escaping Dean.

Missouri was now staring at Dean expectantly. “Well? You’re not going to get better at it by sulking in my office. What are you going to do?”

“My teacher, Mr. Shurley, said he was talking to an upperclassman about tutoring me but I wouldn’t know how to swing it with football practice.” Dean shrugged doubtless as to what was coming next.

“You can’t be on the team if you’re failing a class Dean.” She said almost sympathetically. It was almost verbatim of what his coach had said to him at yesterday’s practice, except angry and louder and in front of a lot more people-er.

“I know, which is why I’m really going to try to make this work.” Dean said, with a smidge of hope in his voice. “There’s a test on Friday and if I can just get the stuff down before then I can bring it up enough to stay on the team for now.”

Miss Moseley smiled a small smile but, one none-the-less. “I think you might be able to.”

-

Dean was walking back from Miss Moseley’s office as Lisa Braeden was just coming out of the girl’s bathroom. “Dean!” She called to him. He turned around and waved at her as she briskly walked up to him. “Hi, I’m-“

“Lisa,” He interrupted. “I know, you’re a cheerleader, right?”

She laughed a little, it was pretty. She was pretty, very pretty, at least Dean thought so. “Yeah, varsity, and we have practice at the same time but, I left my practice shoes at my house. I know you always drive back to get your gear and I was wondering if you could give me a lift?” She asked, her face scrunched a little in anticipation.

It didn’t take Dean a second to respond. “Sure, I just have to pick up my little brother before I get back to my house. Where do you live?”

“Dean,” Lisa laughed again and punched him in the arm but, let her palm open and run down his arm before it slipped off. “I live, like, right down the street from you.”

Dean laughed too, out of embarrassment. “Sorry, I haven’t gotten out to see the neighborhood since I moved in.”

“It’s fine, I’m just messing with you. Where should I meet you after school?” She said walking backwards, presumably back towards her class.

“My car’s in student parking. It’s the big black one, you can’t miss it.” Dean grinned.

“Thank you so much, Dean. I’ll see you after school.” And with that Lisa slipped into the class on her right and disappeared from view.

-

By the fourth period lunch it was all across the school that the new kid sophomore was dating Lisa Braeden the beautiful senior cheerleader.

-

By fifth period lunch Charlie was hitting Dean on the head with her math binder. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about your actual girlfriend, Dean! We just had this talk today! I cannot believe you! ”

“Ow! Ow! Ow!” Dean yelled with each hit. “What are you talking about?” He yelled covering his head with his hands and ducking down. “Stop hitting me with that brick of a binder!  What are you talking about?”

Charlie slammed her binder on the table and sat down next to him, staring incredulously at him. “Do you know who I had to hear it from?” Dean just stared at her. “Roman.” She seethed and Dean’s expression slipped from bewilderment to one of horror.

“Charlie,” he said calmly, as if attempting to calm a wild horse. “Anything you heard from Dick Roman about me is probably a lie, you know that.” Charlie relaxed slightly. Dean rubbed the back of his head again attempting to soothe the ache there. “ _And_ anything he could have told you couldn’t have that bad to hit me with you math binder. I know you take like three math classes.”

“Two.” She lowered her gaze to the table.

“Well, I know one of them is honors or something so it’s like you have three.” Dean paused for a moment. “So, what did the slime ball spread around about me?”

“He said you were dating Lisa Braeden and that you had been for, like, a week now.” Charlie looked up from the table and grinned sheepishly. “I really shouldn’t have hit you. You probably get enough of that in practice.”

Dean chuckled. “Yeah.” Another short silence.

“How’d the Lisa rumor get started?” She finally asked.

He sighed. “She asked me to give her a ride home because she forgot her practice shoes and she lives right near me. Someone must have heard us talking in the hall or something.” Dean slung an arm around Charlie shoulders, all awkwardness lost between the two. “So, is your gossipy need filled for the week or should I stir up some other wacky rumor to get you all crazy?”

Charlie threw her head back and laughed loudly. “Yeah, I think it’s sated for a month.” They laughed together and finally stood to get into line for lunch.

-

Lunch passed and Dean headed off to sixth period with a sympathetic nod from Charlie. Dean always seemed to walk into Chuck Shurley’s classroom with a growing weight in his stomach. It was getting worse as the year went on. Somehow, no matter how long he dawdled and dwelled in the hallway he was always one of the first one’s in. Dean started to walk to his desk, only to be cut off by Mr. Shurley’s voice. “Oh, Dean, can you come here for a moment?” He sounded nervous, well, he always sounded a little bit on edge even if he was just telling a class about onomatopoeias.

Dean turned slowly and put on an air of confidence as he approached his desk. “What’s up, Chuck?” Dean grinned when he got there.

“Dean please don’t call me Chuck.” Mr. Shurley sighed and pulled off his glasses to rub his eyes.

“I’m just practicing my poetry, uh, somehow.” Dean waved his hand in front of him.

Mr. Shurley put his glasses back on and sighed again before looking at Dean. “Admirable, but I think I have a better way to teach poetry than by letting you break the school’s conduct rules. I talked to that tutor yesterday and he said he’d think about it. Now, I have him for my last class and if you could just stop by after-”

“Mr. Shurley, I have to pick up my brother and get home to get my gear before practice.” Dean interrupted as more students began to file in and the warning bell rang.

“Dean, I promise it will only last a moment. Football practice starts at four, right? You’ll have plenty of time to get your brother and get your gear.” He explained. Dean sighed. “You’ll be here?”

“Yeah, I’ll be here.” Dean relented and walked back to his seat in the back of the class.

The rest of the class, and the day, passed with little surprise but at the end of his last period, U.S. History, Dean’s stomach was rolling. In all his years at different schools he’d never had to ask for a tutor or any kind of help, most of the time he was skated by with passing grades that weren’t good or bad but passing none-the-less. He wasn’t stupid or lazy like teachers liked to write him off as but, switching schools every few months often put him on the wrong end of a lesson.

The hallways were emptying quickly as kids rushed out to meet the buses and parents and other rides as Dean went from one end of the school to the other. When he finally got to Mr. Shurley’s room he had to stop for a second before turning the corner and walking in. _‘Jeez,’_ he thought to himself. _‘This kid is going to think I’m an idiot and he doesn’t even know me. He probably already does. God, and he’ll be a dick about it, too.’_ Dean steeled himself for the inevitable criticisms and finally rounded the corner into the door.

“-see the intent but you’re right, there’s nothing really backing it up.” Dean heard a deep voice say and attached it to a boy with dark messy hair and baggy clothing that stood next to Mr. Shurley at his desk poring over a paper in his hands.

“Not even my tutor yet, and you’ve already got him criticizing my work? Great.” Dean said, trying to keep his tone light and joking but he could still feel the nervousness eating at his stomach.

“Oh, Dean!” Mr. Shurley exclaimed reaching up and snatching the paper out of the boy’s hands. “That’s not even your paper; it’s one of Castiel’s classmates.” He looked up to the boy, Castiel, now. “Don’t tell them I showed you that.” He said tucking the paper away in a folder on his desk.

Castiel shrugged his shoulders. “Okay.” And turned his gaze on Dean.

 _‘Fucking laser eyes.’_ Was the first thought in Dean’s head when he did so. The next thought was that they were blue but, not blue like the ugly blue shirt Sammy wore today but, like the sky and the ocean on a perfect day after waiting for hours for Dad’s boat to come in, blue like the his mother’s old necklace, the one that didn’t get destroyed in the fire, blue like the flower he’d been staring at from the window of his health class this morning. They made Dean’s stomach roll in a different and entirely too pleasant way for his comfort. It took Dean all of a second to process this and every snarky word he had in his arsenal flew out of his mind.

Mr. Shurley finally cleared his throat, jarring Dean out of his non-thought process and finally forcing Dean’s mouth to move. “Well, Castiel, that’s kind of a mouthful, huh?”

 _‘Fucking smooth, Winchester. You should a prize for that goddamn line.’_ While Dean was mentally berating himself for being an idiot Castiel continued on with the conversation.

“Like, I was about to tell Mr. Shurley before he decided to show me Vanessa’s paper on the impeccable rap game of “Tyler The Creator”,” He even used air quotes, Jesus what was Dean signing up for? “I’m about to start a job soon and I don’t know how much time I’ll have to tutor you. Or if you’ll even compensate me for my time.” Castiel winced a little bit as he said that last sentence which lead Dean to believe that he’d been prompted on that particular matter.

“Maybe you two can talk as you’re leaving the building; I actually have to get going soon.” Mr. Shurley prompted; he stood and began to collect papers pushing them into his bag. Castiel walked out of the room and Dean followed after him lengthening his stride until he was walking next to him.

“I totally get that you’re busy, I am, too, with football practice and all.”

“‘And all?’” Castiel prompted, they were almost at the front door.

“Yeah, I take care of my little brother but, maybe, once you find out your schedule you can we can, uh, figure something out?” Dean didn’t know why he was doing this, just a few minutes before he’d been nauseous at the idea of a tutor, now, he was talking about comparing schedules?

Dean and Castiel pushed out the front doors into the afternoon sunlight, causing both of them to blink for a second. They stood in the shade of the building for a moments before continuing, not moving from their spots. “I got a text from my older brother today, about my job. Apparently, they want me to come in on Thursday at four. I don’t know how long it will take but I can possibly meet with you after then. Mr. Shurley told me that you have a test on Friday, right?” Dean nodded and opened his mouth to speak but Castiel started up again. “And about the money-” He began.

“I can pay you whatever you make at your job for however long you tutor me for and I get off practice at seven so maybe after then.” Dean knew he didn’t really have enough money to pay this kid a ton but, a minimum wage job and few hours week, maybe Dean would be able to swing it.

“About the money,” he asserted. “I don’t actually want any, that’s just my brother. I’d be fine to do it for free.”

“Uh, awesome. Thanks, Cas.” Dean finally sputtered out.

“Cas?”

“Cas.”

Cas nodded and accepted the nickname before looking away from Dean and scanning the almost completely empty parking lot. “Shit.” He said flatly as he pulled out his phone and checked something.

“What’s wrong?” Dean asked.

“My ride isn’t here. I don’t blame him though he’s probably still sleeping off his double shift.” He was tapping out something on his phone and didn’t even look at Dean as he said it.

“I can give you a ride. I just-” Dean started.

Cas stiffened up and interrupted. “No,” he said looking up at Dean finally. “I’ll just text him and if he doesn’t come I can walk. It’ll be fine really.”

Dean now saw that Cas hadn’t been looking at him the whole time but, over his shoulder. Dean followed his short glance over his shoulder to the Impala where Lisa Braeden stood leaning against it. “Shit.” Dean said, almost in agreement with Cas’ earlier statement. “Look, I have to go. Sorry. Bye.” Dean started to jog off to his car not even hearing Cas’ call of ‘Wait, I need your number!’

“Ugh, Dean!” Lisa said as he got closer. “I thought I was going to have to watch you stand around and shoot the shit with Castiel Novak all afternoon.” Dean unlocked the doors and they both slid in. The way Lisa said his name made Dean wonder something. “Why where talking to him anyway?” She asked as Dean twisted around in his seat and backed out of the parking spot he was in.

“I was, uh, offering him a ride home.” Dean partially lied, glancing out his window as they passed Cas standing on the sidewalk with his phone pressed to his ear.

“Oh, it’s a good thing he didn’t accept because he lives all the way on the other side of town. He would have made us late to practice.” She said.

“You mean he lives past the highway?” Dean asked, glancing over at her.

“No, he lives farther than that, past the railroad tracks.”

“That’s impossible. There’s nothing residential past the railroad tracks.” Dean argued as he pulled into the middle school pick up zone where Sam stood. He threw his hands up in the air in a ‘what the hell’ gesture as Dean pulled up to him.

“Yeah there is. It’s an old trailer park. He lives there with his crazy brothers and their even crazier uncle.” Lisa said as Sam slipped into the backseat. “His parents ran off when he was a kid.”

“Who are we talking about?” Sam said leaning forward onto the back of the front bench.

“No one.” Dean said cutting off anything Lisa was about to explain. “Hey, did you hear that rumor about us?” He asked Lisa, effectively albeit not smoothly changing the subject.

She snorted. “Oh yeah by, fifth period we were tonguing it between classes.”

-

Dean made it back to practice and was pulling it on his pads with five minutes to go. He was ready to sweat off the strange afternoon and forget all the information he’d learnt about his new almost tutor. Dean lined up in front of his coach to start the drills and he was already getting himself lost in the stadium lighting that had started turning on earlier and earlier as the year went on.

By the end of practice Dean was sweaty and tired but no less close to ridding himself of the day than he had been at the beginning of practice. It was the last drill before doing cool-down stretches and it was also Dean’s least favorite of them all: laps. The coach lined them all up on one side of the field and they had to run back and forth between goal lines, the only problem was that they had to reach each line together, with no one waiting around or hurrying up. Doing this was supposed to strengthen team awareness and something else that made Dean hate more because it was associated with this exercise.

However, something that had Dean’s interest was that placed next to him was none other than Uriel Godson. A hulking boy without his pads on and a veritable giant with them, Uriel was the pride of the coach’s defense strategy and although Dean had never had the urge to talk to him prior it may have been that he learned earlier today from Lisa that Uriel was one of the few people Cas actually talked to.

The whistle sounded through the air and everyone took off running. “So, you know Castiel, right?” Dean asked as they both started off at an easy jog with the rest of the team.

Uriel turned a suspicious eye to him. “Yeah, so?” He retorted as they hit the other goal.

“Faster!” Their coach yelled from the sidelines.

“Well, I was just wondering what kind of person he was.” Dean stated, picking up his pace alongside Uriel.

Uriel huffed. “Why do _you_ need to know about _my_ friend?”

Dean shrugged as best we could while running. “I met him today, you know, and-”

“Winchester,” Uriel cut him off as the coach yelled to pick up the pace. “If you want to go snooping around about my friend, go to the source or stick the rumor mill and get hell out of his business and sure as hell don’t do it while we’re running.” He chastised with a grunt and picked up his stride with the rest of the team.

After stretching, which Dean was thankfully paired up with the player on his other side, and the team was dismissed the coach came jogging up to Dean. “Winchester, you get that grade sorted out?”

“Yes, sir, I’ve got a tutor. We’re meeting on Thursday.” Dean replied immediately.

“Good, good.” The coach rubbed his chin. “Who is it?” He asked after a second.

“Castiel Novak.”

The Coach let out a booming laugh which made Dean frown. “Shurley sure about that kid tutoring you?” Another laugh and Dean’s frown deepened. “I mean does he know how important you are to the team?” Dean stayed silent, still chuckling the coach continued. “Get out of here, kid, and you better be eligible for Friday’s game.”

“I will be.” Dean answered steadily.

-

The drive home was the worst part of Dean’s practice, by far. His limbs, legs especially, were aching and even harder to adhere to speed limits when your stomach was growling at you to get home and your mind was racing away at a million miles an hour.

 Cas seemed to be a pretty stand-up guy, willing to tutor Dean for free even though his brother had told him not to. And Dean knew a thing about losing a parent but he could never imagine losing both. Who would take care of him and Sam if Dad gotten lost out at sea or something worse had happened to him? As far as Dean knew both his parents were only children and both sets of his grandparents were dead, too. It caused his stomach to twist in knots just thinking about it. The state would never let Dean keep Sam even though he’d been taking care of him his entire life.

Dean pulled into the driveway of their house and got out to open the garage door when Sam ran out to meet him. “Hey, Sammy, what’s up?” Dean slid back into his car and eased it into the garage.

“Dean, will you please tell me who you were talking about today?” Sam begged.

Dean sighed. “Why do you need to know about who me and Lisa were talking about?” He locked the Impala’s doors and pulled the garage door down from the outside.

“Lisa and I,” Sam corrected as he followed him to the front door. “And it’s because I know someone who lives out there and I think she was talking about the same people today.” Dean looked at him warily but made a ‘go on’ gesture with his hands after throwing down his bag of gear in the front entrance way along with his shoes. “Well, Anna, but I keep hearing the teachers call her something different that sounds like Anna but isn’t, anyway, she’s in the year above me but, our gym class is mixed so we have it together, someone asked her if the Novaks were keeping her up again last night because she looked so tired and she was like ‘Yeah, their music was really loud.’ And then someone else was like ‘They were probably really high, again.’ And everyone was laughing but, I really didn’t get the joke.”

Dean had made it into the kitchen and pulled the, now cold, pizza out of the oven from when Sam had made it earlier. _‘Stick the rumor mill and get hell out of his business’_ Uriel’s voice echoed in Dean’s head whose only comment to Sam was that kids were weird. “Did you finish your homework?” he asked after he popped the remaining four slices in the microwave.

“Yeah, did you?”

“Nope,” Dean leaned against the counter to wait for the microwave. “Go turn on the TV and I can finish it while I eat.”

“While watching the Star Trek marathon that’s going to be on?” Sam asked, incredulously but, still backed away to the living room.

Dean snorted. “Hey, I can multi-task.” He said with mock hurt at Sam’s insult. Dean stayed grinning until Sam was out of the kitchen and he sighed as the microwave beeped. He wouldn’t be getting sleep until much later.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *The picture Dean drew for Charlie was Dick Roman in a clown suit.*  
> Thanks for reading the hard hitting, gripping, edge of your seat, second chapter!! Have a lovely week.  
> EDIT: I accidentally made Sam thirteen and that doesn't make sense at all considering his birthday is in May so, I fixed it and him twelve again. Whoops!


	3. Stargazing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I just wanted to watch the stars.” Cas said quietly. The two boys didn’t speak for a long moment. “Do you know of all my years staring up at the stars I’ve never once written anything about them?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, if you need some music to soothe yourself while read this [I’ve made a playlist](http://8tracks.com/narberry/poetry-of-children) for this fic so that’s awesome.

Eyes full of stardust

Black hole blood cells

Dusty space rock bones

A thousand million universes

Thinking up this poem

For you.

-

The air was cool and crisp and the ceiling of the sky was high and cloudless, every single star could be seen and Cas couldn’t peel his eyes away from them.

He was laid out on the roof, his right foot shoved in the leaf filled gutter to give him an illusion of safety, when he heard the Lincoln pull into the driveway. It had been their father’s, before he’d left, but now Cas and Gabe used it to get around whenever they needed. On bad days, when it was too cold to start or they need a jump from someone to get it going, Gabe would kick the wheel and mutter about selling it for parts. On those days Cas always grimly compared the state of the car with the state of his life, held together with duct tape but, the only thing he’s got, whether it works or not. He took a drink from the beer that he held, standing up on his chest.

Ten minutes after the engine had cut in the driveway Gabe was climbing out the kitchen window and, with considerably more difficulty because he was shorter, pulling himself onto the roof next to Cas, a lit joint perched between his lips already. He got settled and took a long pull of it, wordlessly holding it out to Cas who waved it off. “Rough day at work?”

“No, not really.” Gabe sighed and watched the smoke curl out from between his lips. “It’s just Mr. Miller died today and you know how some of the nurses are.” Cas didn’t reply, sensing that he wanted to say something more. “I mean so what if he was annoying?” Gabe finally burst out. “He made me laugh and was always giving Maria shit for her haircuts! He was cool, man!” Gabe settled down once more.

“I’m sorry about that.” Cas finally said and he raised his bottle to the twinkling lights above them. “To Mr. Miller.” Gabe grunted and raised his joint to the sky with him.

Gabe sniffed for a moment and took another drag. “What are you doing out here anyway? You’re the one who always complains about the cold.”

“I just wanted to watch the stars.” Cas said quietly. The two boys didn’t speak for a long moment. “Do you know of all my years staring up at the stars I’ve never once written anything about them?”

“That is weird, you write about every goddamn thing in this town” Gabe drawled, breathing in another hit from his joint.

“I just have always thought they were the prettiest thing I’ve ever seen.” Cas sighed and shifted the tiling beneath his back so it wasn’t digging into him.

Gabriel rolled over on his side to face Cas. “You could describe the most beautiful thing in the universe and you would still come across as so dispassionate. How do you do that with your voice?” Cas closed his eyes and didn’t respond. “I mean I couldn’t sound like that when I was your age.” He rolled back onto his back and turned his gaze back to the sky. “I still can’t ever sound like that.”

“We are very different people.” Was all he said, eyes still closed.

Gabe sat up and looked out over the lights of the trailer park. “If you’re talking about the whole you like girls and guys thing, that doesn’t make you so different, you’re still my brother.”

Cas’ eyes shot open and he sat up slowly staring at Gabe with a terrified look in his eyes. His voice was hushed. “Gabe…” he started but couldn’t finish because of a lump in his throat.

Gabe didn’t look at him. “I won’t tell Zach or Mike anybody, you’re secret is safe with me.” He took another hit.

 _How could he be so casual about this?_ Cas screamed in his head. _How did he even find out?_ Even if Cas got the most drunk and high he’s ever been he is sure he would never tell anyone about that. “Gabe,” he started again, “how…” But he trailed off just as weakly as before.

Gabriel scoffed and finally twisted back to look at him. “How did I know?” Cas nodded. “I saw you looking at Collin Sofner’s ass at the community day picnic last year.”

Cas found his voice again. “He didn’t seem to mind later on.” Gabe sputtered as Cas innocently sipped his beer and let a small smile onto his face. Everything was going to be fine. He knew Gabe wouldn’t spill the beans because that would probably land in him in some hot water too.

“You dog!” Gabe finally barked out laughing flopping himself back onto the roof which prompted Anna to stick her head out of the window below their feet.

“Michael’s going to be home in a minute.” She hissed at them. Neither of the boys responded. “He’s going to flip shit if he hears you two banging around on the roof _and_ ,” she stressed, “you know he hates it when you smoke outside, Gabe.” With that she ducked her head back into the house. Gabe snorted and began to scoot himself down the roof to the ground, hitting it with a soft _‘thud’._

“Hey,” Gabe whispered from the ground. “Catch.” Cas sat up just in time to catch the first object that flew through the air, a pen, and for the second, a pad of sticky-notes, to hit him in the chest. “Write something about the freakin’ stars why don’t you?” He muttered as he walked away.

Cas didn’t, instead, leaning back down to lay on the roof he let his thoughts wander over to his older siblings. Michael hated most of the things Gabriel did on a good day. But the thing Michael hated the most out of all of them was Gabriel’s audacity to be seen outside of the house, especially when he was doing something not exactly kosher with his time. He could tolerate Castiel, sometimes even when he was drinking on the roof. Generally, unless Cas was being loud with Gabe or coming home late with or doing anything with Gabe, he left Cas alone.

Cas let his mind slip into that thought. Most of the people in Cas’ family just left him alone. Anna, didn’t speak to any of them outside the house and they all gave her her space, Michael left him alone due to his close proximity to Gabe and Uncle Zachariah only really spoke to Michael. Most days Cas went all day without seeing him. Gabriel was the only sibling who interacted with Cas daily but, sometimes a corner of Cas’ mind blamed that on the fact that they shared the smallest room in the trailer and not due to any real fondness but, then Gabe would turn around and cover Cas’ back in an argument or help him get a job and that corner was effectively covered.

From his vantage point Cas could see the headlights of Michael’s car coming up their street. Part of him wanted to get off the roof and avoid the wrath of Michael but another part of him; a much more prominent part apparently, couldn’t be bothered to do so. Cas heard the door of Michael’s car slam after he pulled into the driveway and a few moments later the screen door swinging shut after he enters the house. After a few moments of listening to the low murmur of his voice through the roof Cas relaxed, if Michael hadn’t noticed him out there yet he might not for the rest of the night.

Cas downed the last dregs of the bottle in his hand and threw it against the tree on the other side of the yard. The bottle smashed against it and Cas only realized his mistake when the window slid open and a hand reached up over the edge of the roof and gripped his ankle, yanking him down a few inches. “Get down from there!” An angry voice hissed before the hand attached to it released Cas’ leg and snaked back inside.

He didn’t however get down from there, instead he slid himself a few more feet toward the middle of the roof and relaxed again, letting his legs fully stretch out now that he was father away from the ledge and stared at the stars, like he had been before his family had interrupted the process of not getting much done in a long amount of time.

He tapped the pen against the pad of sticky-notes but nothing came. He closed his eyes and waited what seemed like forever before opening them to stare at the stars again but, still, nothing came. He finally caved and shoved the pen and pad into his pocket and forgot about them as he let his mind wander. Nothing came to Cas for the rest of the night but, he did stay out there and think until a little bit after midnight when he checked his phone and silently cursed before getting down from there.

Inside his room, taking care to be quiet because of Gabe’s sleeping form on the top bunk, Cas emptied his pockets onto the desk and stripped down to his boxers, leaving his clothes on the floor with everything else in their room. A pile of clothes in the corner, wedged between the desk and the wall were dirty, all other the other clothing that was strewn around the room was clean, or at least fresh enough that no one would notice they’d been worn a few times over. It was a system; sometimes a flawed one as more than once a particularly rank shirt or jeans found its way to the other clothing but, it worked nine times out of ten. Castiel picked his way over to the bunk bed and slipped beneath the blankets on his bed, a quilt he’d bought from a Sunday morning garage sale on the other side of town (the matching one above him on Gabe’s bed) and underneath that one the pink and blue fleece with a thick fringe around the edge that Anna had made for him in her brief stint at Girl Scouts. Cas folded his body so that no part of him was slipping out into the cold night air. Now, underneath the semi-warmth of the blankets he realized how foolish it was for him to stay out so long, he shivered. Halloween wasn’t that far away now and that meant that it wasn’t long until the first snow and following that the first snow storm and the first cancelation and the first of many cold related car problems for Cas and Gabe and even sometimes Michael.

The winter meant problems. Ones his family had faced before and would face again but, problems none-the-less. Cas sighed into his pillow as he curled up more, he knew sleep wouldn’t come if he was too cold.

-

Cas leaned against the pillar outside of the school and watched the black monster pulling into the parking space in the student parking lot, purring low and dangerously before it was cut off by Dean. The car seemed dangerous as if someone with a long and sordid past should be racing it down highways and easing it into a different space in a different state each night, the person driving it looked like someone who could grow into that man, under the right, or rather wrong, circumstances. Dean looked tired and wary as he slipped out of the driver’s side door and locked it before closing the door with a loud click. He scanned the parking lot before letting his eyes fall on Cas’ figure leaning near one of the side doors.

Cas watched him catch notice and didn’t move as he crossed the parking lot to get to him. “Hey, Cas,” he said as he got close enough but, didn’t stop moving until he was standing next to him, “got a reason for scoping me out so early in the morning?” Dean asked but, he kept his tone light.

“Hello, Dean.” Cas greeted, seemingly ignoring the teasing question. He pushed himself off the pillar. The move landed him much closer to Dean than they’d originally been but, neither of the boys moved to change it. Cas had never had a problem looking anyone in the eyes before but Dean’s eyes seemed… captivating. Before, in Mr. Shurley’s class room he’d simply noted that they were green and moved on but, now so close he could see the ring of gold-brown around his iris and the easy smile they seemed to carry with them now not entirely hiding the thoughts behind them. The eyes in question also seemed to not be able to hold Cas’ gaze as they darted around his face, taking it in? Cataloguing it? Cas didn’t know. A silence, that didn’t seem wholly awkward, hung in the air until Cas broke it. “I’m going to need your address, so I can get to your house. You said your practice ends at seven?”

Dean nodded slowly but after a second of thought said, “It would be easier if you give me your address and I can just pick you up after I get out of practice.” Dean grinned and Cas could see he was pushing for this.

Cas squinted at him. “I could still be in work at that time.” He countered.

Dean sighed. “I could pick you up there instead then. Why don’t you give me your number and then you can text me where you are.”

Cas weighed the options in his head before relenting, “Fine.” He sighed and recited to Dean his cell number. Dean tapped it into his phone and Cas felt his own buzz in his pocket. He took it out to see the message:

**Unknown: ;)**

Cas added the contact and look back up to Dean, who was smiling. It made the corner of his eyes crinkle a little bit and Cas would put money on the fact that those would turn into wonderful laugh lines if he kept smiling like that. Cas however could only cock his head to the side in bewilderment at the grinning boy. “That’s for not letting me give you a ride home on Tuesday.” Dean laughed as he backed away from Cas and sent another wink at him, this time in real life as he pushed through the doors and into the halls of the school. Cas could only stare after him.

-

During Pre-Calc, as the class was working on the practice equations that Mrs. Mills had assigned, Cas’ phone buzzed in his pocket again. Thankfully he was too far back in the class for the teacher to hear. He slipped the phone out his pocket and swiped it open.

**Dean W.: Do u know anything about chem??**

**Me: I suppose I’m adequate. Why?**

**Dean W.: What r the chemical elements organized by??**

**Me: Their atomic number. Why?**

**Dean W.: Thanks! with u around I might not fail any class ever again**

**Me: I’m your tutor, not your cheat sheet!**

There was no response to that and the rest of the day passed without incident. Or, it would have had Uriel decided to act out of character at lunch instead of doing what he’d been doing the last few days. And that was complaining about Dean Winchester.

Today, his offence was sitting at his table at lunch which, without Uriel’s help neither Cas or Meg would have found him. “A couple of day ago it was just him and the red head, now,” Uriel seemed to accuse as he glared daggers across the lunch room at Dean’s full table, “just look.”

Meg and Cas did. Now, Dean had a slew of people sitting around who were apparently hanging on his every word. He seemed to be telling a very wild story that involved a lot of hand gestures that made people’s jaws drop repeatedly. “Half those people aren’t even on the football team.” Meg said and for once Uriel agreed with her.

“Yeah, some of the electronics club is there. You see that geeky skinny looking one and the guy next to him with the mullet? Between those two they can hack the school system and get you any grade you want.” Uriel huffed as he turned around and glared at his pizza on his tray.

“Oh, maybe he doesn’t need me then after all.” Cas said more to himself than anybody.

“What do you mean, Cas?” Meg asked peering closely at her friend from across the table.

Cas looked up from his pizza to see both of his friends staring intently at him. “Oh,” He said softly as if realizing he spoken the last statement aloud. “Nothing.” He lied.

“He was asking about you.” Uriel said in a strange tone of voice. “On Tuesday, at practice, he was asking about what kind of person you were and shit like that.”

“What did you tell him?” Cas placed his pizza back onto his tray, forgetting about it.

“I told him that he needs to ask you himself or stick to the rumor mill.”

“Shame,” Cas deadpanned, “you should have told him about the five-headed dragon I turn into on the full moon.” Uriel and Meg burst out laughing and when it finally died down Cas spoke again. “Don’t tell anyone but, Dean’s failing English and Shurley wants me to tutor him. That’s all.”

“Really, he’s failing?” Uriel looked almost delighted to hear the news. “How badly?”

“I’m not telling you and stop looking so happy.” Cas scolded and Uriel tried to fight the conniving smile that had graced his face after days of scowling at the thought of Dean Winchester. Cas for all it was worth tried to change the subject to something more interesting than Dean Winchester’s grades like, anything.

-

After school Cas slipped into the Lincoln which was waiting outside the school and took the blue shirt that Gabe handed him. He unzipped his hoodie and pulled off the t-shirt underneath, shoving them into his school bag, so he could pull on the other t-shirt, which was difficult to do in such a little space while Gabe hurtled through the town to the resident’s home. Now in a blue shirt which Gabe assured him was the ‘uniform’ for the kitchen workers, Gabe started up the car and pulled out

Even though it was called ‘Fitchburg Rest Home’ it was technically located a mile outside of Fitchburg in a smaller town called South Fitch. The rest home had been built back in the day before Fitchburg had been split up into two different towns on account of the fact that it was ‘too large to be manageable’. Of course, back then, the rest home had been an insane asylum and that was only changed after half of it was burnt down in a large and mysterious kitchen fire.

It was a very square, three story brick building with large peaked windows and the flowers out front in the flower beds were starting to die because of the frost. It painted a very gloomy picture. They pulled up to it at three forty three and Gabe got out locking the doors after Cas followed him.

“It’s kind of a maze in there,” Gabe explained. “And it doesn’t help that the kitchen is on the basement floor so I’ll show you to it before my shift starts.” They both walked into the building.

It was a maze and it didn’t help that the units on which the residents live were so strangely placed and labeled. There was 1A and 1B but, no others like that, 3 and four where actually the same unit and, there were parts of the building that you couldn’t get to unless you left the building and reentered it through another door. The entire building was on a hill and built specifically so that every floor had an exit to the outside, depending on which part of the building you were in you were either on the first floor or in the basement.

The kitchen was just down the hall from the dining room and the office, that doubled as a storage room, which was labeled ‘Director of Dietary’ on the door. It was in this room that Cas was sat down in a small chair and faced by a shortish man named Dan. “I would conduct a formal interview but we’re desperate and I know Gabe, for all his wackiness, he’s a good guy. So, I’m hoping that you’re a good guy, too.” He rummaged around in the desk behind him, producing some papers and a pen.

For the first half an hour that Cas was there all he did was sign papers. So many of papers that Cas lost count of them and stopped caring what they were about. As Cas was signing the last one, a paper describing the general job of anyone who worked in the kitchen, when Dan interrupted his near constant speech about the kitchen. “The person who trains you will give you a more detailed schedule of that shift and, oh, it’s almost four. We need to get you clocked in.” Dan stood and speed walked out of the office and down the hall and into a small alcove with a small black machine that popped out of the wall. He pushed some buttons on the key pad and told Cas to press his finger to the scanner next to it.

“Thank you.” A robotic woman’s voice said.

“Okay, now you’re clocked in and you can get started on your shift.” They went back down the hall and Dan called out to a man named Evan who was pulling a large metal cart towards the other end of the cramped kitchen. He looked around the edge of it and walked over when Dan waved him over.

Evan was assigned to Cas to train him on his shift. It was the longest three hours of Cas’ life. First they served on the unit which housed all the Alzheimer’s patients. “It can get a little hectic sometimes.” Evan had warned as they road up one of the elevators with a large steam table with dinner in it. And it did get a little hectic a fair few times but nothing too major. “You’re lucky,” Evan had said as they left to go serve on the next unit. “I have seen some things.” He raised his eyebrows without further comment and set off explaining the meal tickets to Cas.

The final plate had been served and Cas glanced at the clock, it was only 5. After bringing down to the kitchen and cleaning all of the steam tables and bringing down the dishes from all the units it was only a bit before 6. The last thing to do was clean the back line and the dining rooms. “Straightforward stuff, right?” Evan had asked after explaining it to Castiel. “Good, because I need to get back to the other shift and help them in the dish room. It’s hell in there with only three people and you seem competent enough to clean some tables.”

“I think I can do that.” Cas agreed.

“Good, through those double doors is the back line, past that is the staff dining room and then on the right is the resident’s dining room. Godspeed.” Evan clapped Cas on the back and walked into a large room with a massive and loud dishwasher that had dishes lined up in front of it that were being pulled in and pushed out the other side, steaming. Cas sighed and walked through the double doors, grabbing a rag and some of the industrial spray they’d used earlier that night. Through the window into the dish room that was around the corner from the back line Cas could hear the voices of the other shift. They were laughing and talking loudly over the machine and all seemed like likeable people expect for their marked disinterest in Cas. Other than a passing remark and Evan’s instructions on the job they hadn’t really spoken of anything. As Cas wiped down the dried bits of food on the back line he’d considered that they’d know each other for quite some time now, Evan had already been there two years and he was the youngest of them at twenty-three. They were all good friends by now, and probably wouldn’t want any more, especially in the form a teenage boy.

Cas thought about Meg, Uriel and Balthazar, they’d all known each other since kindergarten, and they were Cas only friends, other than Gabe but, Gabe had assured him they ‘couldn’t be friends, they were brothers’. Meg was friends with many other people, most of them didn’t go to high school any more or had dropped out at some point, Cas didn’t see much of them. Balthazar had friends back in England who he saw on vacations and he was friends with almost everyone in school because, ‘hey, who didn’t want be friends with the foreign kid’ as Balthazar had said. Uriel was quite popular with the football players, cheerleaders and other athletes in the school as they were prone to do, and as a result always had someone around to be with. As Cas drained the water from the back line he thought back on all the time he’d spent alone.

There were times when the four people he really talked to were all busy, it never bothered Cas before, they were other people with more friends and sometimes they didn’t have time for him. He’d never been able to imagine himself as someone with a large amount of friends. Like Dean, at lunch today, with all those people talking around him and talking to him, it seemed, to Cas that it would be a sensory overload.

He wondered, for a fleeting moment really, if Dean ever felt like there were too many people around him. If he felt suffocated and tense with all those people around him, sometimes. Cas reminded himself that he and Dean were not friends, he was simply asking for help and Cas had been within reach when he’d called for it. Cas had finished cleaning the tables in the dining rooms and he spared a glance at the clock, disparaged to see that it was 6:59. He shot off a text to Dean that he was done with his shift and walked back through the kitchen putting the cleaner back and throwing away the paper cap he’d had to wear all night.

His phone buzzed as he got back to the time clock.

**Dean W.: Perfect timing just got off practice. where r u?**

**Me: 147 county rd. it’s about a mile south outside of town.**

After he’d changed back into his shirt and hoodie fifteen minutes later, Cas was sitting outside the front of the building when Dean’s big black car pulled up. From the outside Cas could hear the guitars and drums of a song getting quieter as Dean reached forward and twisted the controls.

“Hey, Cas! How was work?” He asked as Cas slid into the passenger side.

“It was fine. Busy.” Cas said as Dean slung his arm over the seat and twisted around, to back out of the parking space. Cas idly noted that, in this position, Dean’s hand was almost grazing his left shoulder, his fingertips curled just so that that barely brushed against the seam of his hoodie.  He twisted back around and pulled out of the parking lot but left his arm to rest on the back of the seat but, now it was pulled back more towards the center.

Dean nodded. “Yeah but, do you like, or?” Dean let himself trail off with a wave of the hand that was inbetween them. He glanced over at Cas with an easy smile as he awaited the answer that came slowly.

Cas shrugged. “I suppose, I mean I don’t really need to like it to earn the money.”

Dean huffed out a laugh and put his arm back on the steering wheel to make a turn. All of a sudden, with the removal of the arm, Cas could feel every inch of space between them and it made him feel small. Cas had never felt that way before, he was always taller than Anna and Gabe and never far behind Michael. At school he was always in the middle or the back of group pictures, he’d never been remotely small and now with the simple removal of an arm on the back of the bench seating in the car he felt every inch of space around him and-

He realized Dean had said something to him. “I’m sorry, what?” Cas asked still shaking off the feeling of the finite amount of space he occupied. Dean threw his arm back on to the seat.

 “I said, my little brother, Sam, is worried about money for some reason, wants to get a paper route or something like that. I told him I’d get a job too, but-” Dean let the sentence trail off. After a second or two of silence Cas realized he should reply.

“Well, you might be too busy with football and tutoring and school.” Cas offered and Dean shrugged again, now he wasn’t smiling or looking at Cas instead he was chewing his lip and staring at the road with a strange expression. Cas didn’t look away from Dean. He’d been told most of his life he stared too much and right now in this car wasn’t an exception. It made Cas realize things about people when he stared at them. “How old are you?” Cas asked suddenly suspicious.

Dean broke out of his reverie and shifted uncomfortably under Cas stare now that he noticed it. “I’m sixteen. Why?”

“You can’t get a license in Massachusetts until you’re seventeen and even then it’s with restrictions.”

“Look,” Dean sighed and pulled his hand down again to pull his wallet out of his pocket, “I got my license in Maine. I know it’s illegal here but without the car me and Sam are up a creek without a paddle.” He threw the open wallet in to Cas’ lap and in the clear pocket Dean’s smiling face looked up at him.

Cas nodded and handed back his wallet, he knew what Dean meant about being up a creek without a paddle, about a week after Cas had turned fifteen, Gabe had fallen off the roof and fractured his arm. Cas had been the only one around and had to drive him to the hospital, it had been enough hard to concentrate with Gabe laid out in the back seat moaning over his arm. Cas related as much to Dean and they passed the rest of the car ride talking about other more arbitrary topics.

-

The Winchester home was small but clean, almost suspiciously clean considering that two teenage boys lived there, there didn’t seem to be much in the way of furniture except for the bare basics. Dean threw his football gear off to the side of the door and from up down the hallway that lead to the entry way Cas and Dean heard a thumping.

“Dean!” a young boy with floppy hair and long limbs came racing around the corner to them. “I made dinner because you have work to do with Cas!” He ran past them through another door that went, presumably to the kitchen.

“Thanks, Sammy, what’d you make?” Dean called after him as he toed off his shoes and pulled off his over shirt before glancing over at Cas who was clearly uncomfortable at the boy stripping down in front of him. “Oh! Sorry, I usually just take all the extra stuff when I get home, uh, you can throw your shoes next to the door and the living room is right through there.”

Cas averted his eyes and toed off his shoes keeping his bag slung over one shoulder padded into the living room. It, too was sparse and neat, with a TV, a couch and, a coffee table inbetween them being the only furniture. He sat down on the edge of the couch and it wasn’t a few minutes before Dean walked into the room with two plates and his bag hanging off of one of his arms. “Here.” He said as he passed Cas a plate and plopped down next to him putting his own on the table and putting his bag on the other side of him. “I figured you hadn’t eaten yet. So, I, uh, made you one, too.” Dean explained gesturing to the sandwich on the plate. “You’re not a vegetarian are you?”

“No, I just didn’t realize-” Cas stared down at the sandwich. _Didn’t realize what?_

“Didn’t realize I could be a nice person?” Dean grinned and nudged Cas with his elbow. “We can work and eat, that cool with you?” Dean asked as he pulled out a folder. Cas nodded and he continued. “Shurley said that the test tomorrow was going to be on identifying the devices, which is great because that’s the thing I understand the least.” He finished sarcastically.

For the next, hour and a half Dean and Cas poured over the papers in the folder and broke them down.

“Okay, Dean.” Cas said pointing to a line half way down the poem. “What device is used here?”

“It’s a simile, no,” Dean paused, “there’s no like or as so it’s a metaphor.”

Dean grinned at Cas and he couldn’t help but return it. “Yes, and-”

“And because birds keep getting compared to freedom throughout the poem it’s an extended metaphor, right?” Dean continued excitedly.

“Exactly, Dean.” Cas smiled and they both fell back into the couch cushions, it was easy to smile and relax around Dean. The night had gone by fast and easy, teaching Dean the material had been exceedingly simple to do. “You’ll do fine on the test tomorrow.”

“Thank you so much Cas, I don’t think I’d have be able to without you.” They shared a companionable silence for a moment before Dean shot up like a bullet. “Jeez, it’s almost nine o’clock. Here, I can give you a ride back to your house.” Cas froze and Dean picked up the, now empty, plates from the table.

“No!” Cas started and Dean shot him a worried look as he walked toward the kitchen.

“Really it’s no tro-”

“No, really, I’d prefer to walk. Thank you for the dinner, Dean.” And before Dean could get out of the kitchen Cas was pulling on his shoes and tripping out the door. Dean walked into the main hallway as he heard the door shut.

Dean stared at the closed door dejectedly. “Oh, that’s fine,” he muttered, “hey, maybe you could come to the game tomorrow and watch me play.” He continued sarcastically to the door. “I heard there’s a party at someone’s house afterwards, you should come, it won’t be half as lame then. Awesome!” He threw his hands up after muttering. “It’s a fucking date.” And turned around to see Sam, standing in the doorway to the back hallway, watching him with a bemused expression on his face. “I mean n-not a date like,” He faltered.

“What are you doing?” Sam asked.

“I don’t know.” Dean’s shoulders slumped a little.

-

Cas was halfway down the street when he finally started breathing again and realized how cold it really was out. He shoved his hands into his pockets and felt the pad of paper and pen Gabe had tossed to him the night before.

_“Write something about the freakin’ stars why don’t you?”_

He stared up at the stars but all he could remember was the gleam in Dean’s eyes when he’d gotten off topic, again, and was telling Cas this story about when he was younger and Sam and him had been playing superheroes on top of the roof of a pool shed at a motel in Maryland. Bright and happy.

He pulled the pen and post-it’s out and scribbled down the first line.

‘ _Eyes full of stardust_ ’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you'd like to [follow me on tumblr](http://themostbadassangelinthegarrison.tumblr.com/) that's great too
> 
> Anyway, hope you like this chapter and have a great week. Stay classy. Or communist, whatever floats your boat.


	4. The Big Game Day

Misunderstandings abound.

How can be sure of what I’ve found

If you continue to sound

So friendly?

-

Dean grimaced down at Sam. “Are you sure you’re okay with this?”

Sam sighed loudly for umpteenth time as he zipped up his windbreaker. “Yes, Dean, I am sure I want you to go to that “stupid high school teenager party with shitty beer and bad top forties music”.” He even used air quotes.

“Don’t quote me in that tone of voice.” He said, frustrated as he followed Sam out the door to the Impala.

Sam threw a bitch-face over his shoulder at Dean.  “And I think you should invite your friend Cas.”

“We’re not really friends.” Dean unlocked the Impala and waited until Sam slipped into the passenger seat to continue. “Do you think he’d go for that kind of thing?”

“Uh, well, he is your _English tutor_ and he doesn’t exactly look like much of a sports enthusiast but, it is important to not judge a book by it’s cover. So, maybe, you should nut up and ask him?” Sam clicked his tongue and did the shooty fingers at him.

“Bitch.”

“Jerk.”

-

Dean stared into the rearview mirror at his face. He furrowed his brow. “You can do this, Winchester.” He almost growled to himself. “You’re the man.” He stared into his own intense eyes for a moment and _did not_ shriek when he heard the warning bell ring from inside the building.

He scrambled out of the car and jogged to the front door where Charlie stood waiting. “You looked like you were doing some pretty serious self-evaluation there, so I decided to leave you to that.” She said as he got closer. They walked into the building together and it only took a moment of silence between the two friends before Charlie broke it. “So, what were you thinking about?”

“Just, uh, psyching myself up for the game tonight.” He lied as they reached Charlie’s locker.

“Liar.” She scoffed. “You are the most confident person I’ve ever met when it comes to playing sports, not that I’ve met many people who voluntarily play sports.” She shrugged. “I digress. You are not nervous about playing sports but, you are nervous right now.” She put her books in Dean’s arms and shut her locker. “What’s up?”

Dean panicked for a moment and Charlie shot him a suspicious look. “My brother!” Dean almost shouted at Charlie as they slipped into their seats in the back of Mr. Shnidley’s classroom with earned him a disapproving glance from the teacher. “I have to leave my brother alone tonight so I can go to the party and I’m feeling a little worried.” _‘That’s plausible.’_

Charlie shot him another that said ‘I know you’re lying but, I’m letting you off this time’ as Mr. Shnidley began to drone on about something. She opened up her notebook and scribbled something on top of the page and slid it over the desktop to Dean.

_‘Being an only child would really work out in this situation.’_

-

By fifth period the nervousness was in full swing. The cafeteria was crowded and noisy but Cas’ table stuck out like a sore thumb, only housing three people in the midst of tables that were overflowing with students. He walked past his table and dropped his bag next to Charlie with a quick ‘be back in a second’ in her ear. She watched as he moved down to the other row of tables and straddled the bench that Cas was sitting on, right next to him.

Cas turned to look at Dean, utterly unimpressed Dean noted, but didn’t move away and continued to stare. “Heya, Cas.”

“Hello, Dean.”

Cas wouldn’t stop staring and Dean found himself vaguely lost in it. “Um, I was wondering if you knew about the football game that’s happening tonight and, uh, if you don’t have work, were you were going to go?” Dean asked finally blinking and stumbling.

Cas opened his mouth to speak but before he could actually say anything Uriel popped out from the other side of Cas. “He is coming to the game-“

“I had no plans to.” Cas interjected, turning to look at Uriel who continued as if he hadn’t spoken.

“He’s coming to see me play.”

The girl who sat across the table smirked and snaked her hand over the table laying it over Cas’ who looked down with surprise at it and then looked up at her as her face changed. “Yeah, he was going to meet at half time, right?” Dean looked from her hand to the girl and her smile turned sickeningly sweet to devilish. “Meg Masters, niceta’meetcha.” She took her hand off Cas’ and held it out to Dean, who took it limply.

“Dean.” He replied lamely. She dropped his hand and brought hers back to her side of the table. He looked back to Cas who had gone back to _staring at him with those laser eyes,_ Dean realized almost angrily. He huffed, “Well, if you’re already going to the game then you probably are already going to the party.” Dean made a move to stand but Uriel stopped him.

“The party?” He asked suspiciously.

Dean grinned inwardly. “The party.” He clarified not taking his eyes off Cas, who showed no reaction. “Benny Lafitte’s party at his house, win or lose.” He went on.

“The senior Benny Lafitte?” Uriel asked.

Dean really did stand up this time and unstraddled the bench. “Is there any other one?” He asked rhetorically before walking away.

Cas, Meg and Uriel all watched Dean stride away, walking as if he had all the confidence in the world. Cas sighed. “When were you two planning on telling me my plans for the evening?” He asked borderline angrily.

Uriel ignored him. “Are you going to that party?” He demanded.

“I don’t do parties.” Cas replied and it suddenly dawned on him. “And I’m not going to the football game either.”

“No you have to!” Uriel almost begged but he would never admit to that.

And for the first time in recorded history Meg Masters agreed with Uriel Chambers. “Yeah, seriously meet me on the bleachers at halftime, we’ll stay long enough for the football players to get on the field and scram.” Cas gaped and Uriel and Meg shared a look of two cats that just got not only the mouse but every last one of his mouse friends and mouse family.

“What is this going to accomplish?” Cas asked, bewildered.

Now it was Meg’s turn to gape at Cas. “You didn’t see gushing green eyes over here two seconds ago asking to take you to the dance, did you? Because I did and it was sickening.” Uriel snorted but, didn’t add anything.

Cas looked over at Dean talking animatedly with the red-haired girl next to him. “I don’t think it’s like that.” He muttered to no one but himself.

-

During ninth period Cas’ phone buzzed in his pocket.

**Dean W: So r u going to the party?**

**Me: I really shouldn’t.**

**Dean W: Do u have work tmrrw?**

**Me: No.**

**Dean W: Then y not?**

How could Cas spill to Dean that he didn’t like to be around most people and that the arrangement worked out quite well because most people did not like to be around Cas.

**Me: I don’t know.**

**Dean W: Will u think about?**

**Me: I will think about it.**

Cas felt bad the moment he hit send.

-

Cas made good on his promise to go to the game that night. However, he did spend the first half of it perched underneath the bleachers with Kali and Gabe, alternating between passing a cigarette back and forth with Kali and a water bottle full of a clear liquid-that-was-definitely-not-water between the three of them.

“Are you positive that you don’t want to go to the party after the game?” Gabe asked again for what seemed like the hundredth time.

“Look, Gabe, you know I don’t do social.” Cas replied. He rarely admitted things like that around people who weren’t Gabe, even it was just Kali, but the alcohol had made his tongue looser. Kali offered the cigarette to Cas who took a long drag and passed it back.

Gabriel gave him a long suffering look. “Come on, you know as well as I do that if you just pre-game hard enough the party’s no big deal.” He held the water bottle out to Cas who took it. “And look you’re half way there already.” He finished triumphantly.

“Gabe,” Kali warned, “don’t push him. If he doesn’t want to go he doesn’t have to.” Gabe immediately backed down after that and Cas knew he wouldn’t push the subject further.

“Thank you, Kali.” Cas handed her the bottle dodging around Gabe’s hand as a small punishment. “And, no offense but, why are you two going anyway? I mean, Gabe you're, out of High School. And, Kali don't you have a reputation to uphold, or whatever?”

“Gabe sighed. “I can count on one hand the number parties going on within a fifty mile radius of this high school tonight. It’s one, Cas. One.” Gabe finally got back the bottle from Kali.

“And besides Gabe's not going to be the only person there who isn't currently enrolled at Fitchburg, so he won’t stick out too much.” Kali explained but, smiled anyway. “With your white hair and wrinkles covered these whippersnappers will never know who really crashed their party.” She cackled like an old witch and Gabe joined in loudly, earning a totally unsolicited ‘shut up’ from the seats above them. It only increased their laughter.

Cas took a last swig from the water bottle when he heard the first notes of the marching band beginning to play at half-time. “I told Meg that I’d meet her at half-time.” Cas explained as he stood, slightly swaying. He was about to walk away before he remembered. “Gabe,” he held out his hand expectantly, “give me the car keys.”

“Oh come on,” Gabe started to protest but, Kali cut him off.

“Gabe, do it.”

“I’m not letting you get into a car wreck because you’re too blitzed to walk straight.” Cas said still holding out his hand.

“You drank too.” He countered wiggling the half empty bottle.

“But, you will be trashed after the party and Cas’ buzz will wear off before the game is over.” Kali reminded him.

Gabe opened his mouth to counter but a death glare from the both of them made him snap his mouth shut. He dug around in his pocket for a moment and slapped the keys into Cas’ waiting hands, all the while muttering about how he wasn’t even planning on getting that wasted. Cas shoved them in his pocket and threw a wave over his shoulder as he walked to the side of the bleachers.

“Bye, Cas!” He heard Kali and Gabe call out to him before he ducked out of the shadow of the bleachers he glanced over his shoulder to where Kali and Gabe were crouched, sitting next to each other. Her hair was wild and free as his fell over her shoulders and the just slightly too large leather jacket that she wore. It was moments like this that Cas almost forgot that on Monday he would see Kali walking the halls of his high school with her hair pulled back and ‘respectably tamed’ and in place of the ripped and loose jeans she wore now would be replaced with clean stylistically faded jeans and almost too white to be real sneakers.

Cas walked out into the lights of the field. He squinted against them and scanned the crowd, finally locking in on a dark pile of hair in the top row. He bound up the steps to Meg. “Hello, Meg.” He slung an arm over her shoulders as she stood up to greet him.

“Clarence, are you drunk?” She mock scolded as he leaned a little bit too heavily on her side.

Cas made a ‘so-so’ gesture with his hand and grinned. “What’s the theme of the show?” He asked as the first movement of the marching band show ended.

“Music of the 50’s and 60’s.” She answered simply before Cas gasped and was pulling her up onto the bench behind them. “What’re you doing?” She shrieked.

 _“At last, my love has come along.”_ Cas crooned along with the trumpets.

“Cas!” Meg shrieked and laughed as he dipped her over his arm as he sang out _‘my lonely days are over’_.

Someone in front of them turned around and gave them the evil eye. “Cas, stop!” She pushed him up but he kept swaying with her. “Don’t dip me again or it’s your head. You are never _this_ affectionate, must have been hitting the cotton candy vodka again.” She hissed in his ear. “Did Gabe give it to you?”

Cas _‘hmmed’_ and swayed for a moment longer. “We were under the bleachers.” He explained.

“Okay, alright, keys in the back pocket?” She slipped her hands into them and searched around for a moment before pulling them out. “I’ll be driving you home tonight. I hope you weren’t planning on going to that party at Benny’s later.” She murmured.

“No.”

“Not even for gushing green eyes?”

He laughed but then paused. “Oh, no.” He whispered.

As the marching band’s rendition of ‘At Last’ was hitting it’s final note Meg pulled away from Cas. “Come on, we should get you home before you puke on the guy in front of us.” At that the man in front of them turned around and gave them yet another evil eye.

Cas gasped and looked at Meg as if he just realized the secrets of the universe. “You should stay the night!” He proclaimed excitedly. “We can stay up late watching old b horror movies and go to bed when the sun comes up. It’ll be just like when we were kids and I still lived on Terrace Ave!” Cas stared at Meg with big puppy dog eyes and she groaned.

“Fine!” She relented. “But, I’m not cleaning up your puke if it comes to that.”

The football players were taking the field again as Meg and Cas made their way down the bleacher steps. Cas paused on the last level and looked at the players who were taking a quick warm-up lap around the edge of the field. One of them turned their helmeted head and looked to him. Cas didn’t know if the running player was Uriel or Dean or even if they were looking at him at all but Cas still raised his hand in a half wave and before Meg turned around and pulled him out of the bleachers and to the parking lot.

-

Cas realized that the hand that had been idly playing with his hair had ceased and he looked up from where his head was pillowed on Meg’s lap to see that she was dozing, her head resting on her hand that was perched on the armrest. The couch was uncomfortable and Cas could feel a spring digging onto his back, the right thing to do would be to wake up Meg and move them so they could go to sleep on his bed but, instead Cas closed his eyes and let the sounds of “Planet of the Vampires” lull him to sleep.

-

The music and noise of the party was deafening to Dean and that coupled with the fact that it’s guests were entirely lacking in dark haired, blue eyed, English tutors, Dean was disappointed. Not because he was so sure that Cas was going to come but, more at the display that Dean had witnessed during the halftime show. Cas swaying with and being groped by Meg before letting himself get pulled off of the bleachers by her. Dean had already chastised himself for thinking that they weren’t in a relationship in the first place. He wouldn’t, no, he couldn’t make a move on Cas now that he was with someone else.

In the past Dean had never minded if someone else was in a relationship at the time, as long as they made the first move. Hell, just last year he hadn’t cared that Katy was with Brad when they’d made out behind the gym. He hadn’t cared because he had been moving at the end of that week anyway. He hadn’t cared because he was always just a few weeks away from leaving that school to move onto another one.

So, no, he wasn’t going to make a move on Cas.

 _‘Hell,’_ he rationalized, _‘I don’t even like dudes.’_ He took another long pull from his beer and moved through the crowd to the back porch. _‘I’m not into that even if I maybe once or twice thought about a guy or two like that. I mean who in their right mind doesn’t think that Harrison Ford is a sexual god among men? I’m not about to start experimenting, jeez, what would Dad say? What would Sam say?’_

There was a lot less people on the back porch, the crisp night air driving most of them indoors where there was body heat and the hard liquor. The blue cooler that was next to the sliding door, however, was stocked full of ice and cheap beer. For the better part of an hour Dean sat out there and made a good sized pyramid of PBR’s and convinced himself that no one like Cas could like him, even if he was into dudes, _‘which_ _I’m not’_ he reminded himself.

“Jesus Christ, Winchester,” he said to himself out loud now that no one else was on the porch, “he’s a fucking genius and you’re, what?” He topped off the pyramid with an empty can and reached back toward the cooler for another. “A child, who’s failing English.” He cracked open the beer and took a swig of it and choking on it when someone cleared their throat behind him. He turned slowly to see Benny Lafitte standing in the door.

“You’re failing English and drinking alone? You must have hit rock bottom.” He went and sat down next to him.

“How long ‘ave you been standing there?” Dean said just now noticing the slur in his voice.

Benny laughed and slapped Dean on the back. “Just for a second, my mama did teach me not to eavesdrop.”

Dean just grunted and went back to sipping his beer. “My mama also told me that when someone’s drinking alone it usually means they’re hurting. I know we ain’t known each other that long but, maybe it’d help to talk about it?” Dean stayed silent and Benny just shrugged. “Not talking about it’s just as fine to me but, you’re a good kid and a good teammate. So I suggest you get off you’re sorry ass and come inside where the real drinks and real pretty girls are.” Dean perked up and Benny stood. “And you ain’t gonna find any of that out here in the dark.”

Dean followed him inside leaving the can pyramid to the elements. The music sucked him in and Dean found himself in a crowd of people who were dancing. And wouldn’t you know Benny was right, there were pretty girls in there and there was a cup of dark liquid in his hand as he danced with one of them. She had soft blond hair, soft curves and was a lot shorter than Dean. They danced for a long time and for the life of him, Dean couldn’t remember her name.

-

The sun was bright and his head was pounding. “Ugh.” Dean muttered as he rolled over into the sheets of Benny’s guest bed. A loud knock on the door and a booming southern voice singing out “Won’t You Be My Neighbor” was heard before the came bursting open. Dean sat up slowly and accepted the coffee that was thrust into his hand. “Won’t you be my neighbor, Dean?” Benny asked laughing.

“I’ll be your neighbor when me and Sam move up in the fucking tax bracket, how ‘bout that?” Dean mumbled but turned a grateful eye up to Benny as he handed him two Tylenols. “Thanks for letting me crash here last night.”

“No problem, brother, I would’ve let you sleep all day but, it’s almost noon and my parents get back at three.” Benny looked almost apologetic for tossing Dean out.

“Shit, do you need help cleaning up?” Dean asked, standing and downing the rest of the coffee.

Benny chuckled. “Dean this ain’t my first rodeo, me and Liz got it taken care of.” He laughed again. “And I regret to inform you that your pyramid didn’t survive the night.”

Dean laughed with Benny. “I’m sorry man, I’ll head out now.”

“I’ll walk you to the door, sir.” Benny said bowing at the waist like a high end butler. The boys laughed again.

“Say, Benny,” Dean began as they plodded down the stairs. “How long ago did you move from the south to Boston?”

“‘Bout when I was seven.” Benny shrugged as they reached the door and Dean stared at him. All he did was laugh. “You can the boy out of Louisiana but, you can’t take Louisiana out of the boy. Bye, brother.” Dean walked out onto the porch and began to walk home, fishing around in his pockets for his cell to call Sam.

-

The sun was bright and his head was pounding, as were the cabinet doors ten feet away from him in the ‘kitchen’. “Gabe.” He heard Meg groan above him. Cas shifted and turned over so his face was buried in the back of the couch.

“Wakey-wakey, eggs and bakey!” Gabe shouted over to them. “Come on it’s almost one.” He said after he got no response from the two friends curled up on the couch.

Cas grunted and pushed himself up a little. “I find it appalling that you don’t get hangovers.” He grumbled to Gabe.

“I’m not even hung over and you’re the worst.” Meg moaned from next to him.

“I could be worse.” Gabe warned right before he flicked on the radio on the counter to a station that seemed to only play seven songs on repeat. It was met with twins groans of disgust and anger. “Now, I’m the worst!” He sang out.

It was clicked of and all noise immediately stopped before Cas turned over and saw Kali standing in the entryway to the kitchen. She walked up to him and pulled him flush against her by the collar of his shirt. “Babe,” She said her voice low and threatening. “Shut the fuck up. Cas isn’t the only one nursing a migraine in this goddamn house.”

Cas finally pushed himself up and tuned out the low voices of Kali and Gabe across the house, he felt something digging into his butt. Cas pulled the offending item out of his back pocket, it was his cell phone. **Dean W: Four New Texts** it read on the lock screen. He swiped across it and saw them all in succession spanning from one ‘o clock to one o’ one.

**Dean W: Pleas. comr**

**Dean W: U shoud b her e CAS**

**Dean W: Dzncu Ng**

**Dean W: Dan cing !!!!**

Meg hmm’d from next to his shoulder and Cas jumped, dropping the phone into his lap. But, she’d seen and laughter was bubbling up on her lips. “Aw, drunk texting?” She cooed. “Our little boy has grown up so fast.” Cas shot up from his spot on the couch and felt his stomach lurch.

He ran to bathroom and stood in there panting but didn’t throw up. After a moment the phone beeped in his hands - _‘low battery’_ – it alerted him. Cas left the bathroom and escaped to his bed room where he hooked up the phone on his charger next to his bed. He sat down heavily and took a moment before composing his next text.

-

Dean felt all the blood drain from his face as he stared down at his phone.

**Cas N: Well, if I’d known Dan Cing was going to be there I definitely would have come.**

“Dean, are you okay?” Sam asked from the other side of the couch. Dean felt his stomach lurch. “Oh God, are you going to hurl?” Sam asked now looking as horrified as Dean did. Dean scrambled up and ran to the back hall slamming the door to his bedroom behind him, he sat down heavily in front of the door.

**Me: Oh my God, Cas. I am so sorry. Can you just delete them and forget they ever happened?**

A few terrifying, long minutes later, Dean’s phone beeped again.

**Cas N: Honestly I find it quite flattering. And you don’t know the number of times I’ve gotten drunk texts from Gabriel and Balthazar. I am used to it.**

Dean snorted and relaxed. _‘Who found drunk texts flattering?’_ Dean thought to himself as he pulled himself up from the ground and flopped himself down on his bed.

**Me: How can you fond drunk texts flattering??**

**Me: *find**

**Cas N: Well, someone can’t think straight and they think of you.**

**Me: Oh, I guess I see your point.**

**Cas N: I hope you’re not terribly hung over like I am.**

**Me: Oh, so Meg pulled you away from the second half to go drinking?**

Dean grimaced, there was no way Cas wouldn’t see that for exactly what it was, fishing for information. His phone beeped anyway.

**Cas N: Oh no, I was drunk before I came to the game. I had planned on staying for the rest of the game but Meg thought it better if I play out the rest of my buzz away from the public.**

Dean grimaced for an entirely different reason.

**Me:**

Dean hovered over the keyboard for what felt like an eternity. How do you ask someone if they just had drunk sex with the pretty girl they home with, without using the words ‘pretty’, ‘girl’, ‘drunk’, ‘sex’, ‘home’, or ‘with’ in the sentence?

**Me: So, you and Meg, huh?**

God, Dean hated himself sometimes.

**Cas N: Meg and I have known each other since we were in kindergarten.**

Dean moaned. “Dear God, they’re like best friends who became a couple couple!” His phone beeped but he groaned again. “He’s probably going to tell me he buys her tampons!” Dean felt sick again as he unlocked his phone.

**Cas N: She is one of my best friends.**

“Oh!”

**Me: Oh!**

**Me: I thought you were together.**

**Cas N: At one point in middle school but, we weren’t that fit for each other in that sense.**

Dean thought he could hear the angels sing and laid the phone against his forehead. It beeped again.

**Cas N: Do you have anyone like that?**

-

Cas frowned down at the phone like it was it’s fault for him sounding so ambiguous.

**Dean W: Well all of my friends here I’ve only known for like a few months so I guess Sam?**

Cas frowned harder. How was he supposed to do this smoothly?

**Me: No, I mean like a girlfriend? Like that girl you sit with at lunch?**

He frowned impossibly harder.

**Dean W: Ha! Charlie is gay as hell her words not mine**

Cas flopped back onto his bed and groaned. “I can’t do this if you don’t answer the right part of the question, Winchester.” His phone buzzed again and he scrambled to check it.

**Dean W: But no girlfriend…**

**Cas N: Oh.**

_‘Lame.’_ Cas thought.

-

 _‘Play it cool, Winchester, cool.’_ Dean stared at the two letter word Cas had texted back. _‘What am I supposed to say to that?’_ The phone beeped before he could think of a reply.

**Cas N: I’m getting my full work schedule on Sunday, so maybe on Monday we can figure out another day for your tutoring?**

“Ah, a _subtle_ reminder that you are my English tutor and not my friend.” Dean mumbled. “Thank you, Cas.” His brain screamed _‘get out before you dig yourself too deep, Winchester’_. He sighed.

**Me: Thanks Cas will do have a good weekend.**

**-**

Cas sighed, a clear rebuff. It’s not that he didn’t want to stop talking he just didn’t know what else to say.

**Me: You too, Dean.**

He tossed the phone still attached to the charger to the ground near the socket, near the head of his bed and laid there for another moment. Another sigh threatened to escape his lips. “It’s not like he’s actually interested in you, Novak.” Cas groaned to himself.

-

“Come on,” Dean chastised himself to the empty room, “it’s not like he’s actually interested, Winchester.”

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Planet of The Vampires' is the most important piece of cinema released in the 60's and no one will convince me otherwise. You must watch it, there will be a test.  
> 


	5. I Will Stop This

It will be easier for me

To venture to the other side

Of the galaxy, Alone

Then it would be for me

To venture from

What I say

To what I mean

-

Fall began to ease it’s way into winter and Halloween came with little fanfare for the Novak household. No one had bothered to decorate the trailer, all of them knew that no trick-or-treaters would venture out to their side of the town. Cas and Michael stayed in, silently agreeing to avoid each other despite the small space, and Gabe and Anna went out to different party destinations. Halloween fell on a Friday but, still Cas hunkered down in his bottom bunk and was taking notes from the massive science textbook opened next to him. He hadn’t done very well on his test last week and there was nothing better to do, every party being hosted in town had a dress code and while he’d chuckled and applauded Kali and Gabe’s dual devil/angel costume, he never had the urge to don one himself. Cas glanced up at his clock and seeing that it was almost midnight, realized he hadn’t eat since lunch at school.

Cas sighed and tossed the notebook full of cramped writing on top of the textbook and made his way down the hall to his kitchen to make himself a sandwich. It was a sad affair, they’d run out of cheese earlier in the week and the only bread they had left was the discount pumpernickel. Cas checked the date, it expires tomorrow. He sighed and fished through the fridge for a lunch meat. What he found was an expired pack of bologna and a deli bag of turkey with two slices left inside. “God damn it.” He muttered as he nixed the top slice of bread and bit into his meager sandwich. It only kind of half way sucked and Cas washed it down with a beer he found shoved into the back of the fridge. Cas entertained the idea of turning on the tv and watching late night infomercials but a deep snore from the bedroom off the living room made Cas pause in his actions as he remembered the fifth occupant of their trailer; uncle Zachariah.

No one was really sure if he was actually their uncle or not but he’d shown up about a week after the children had realized that their father wasn’t coming back with a handwritten note from father explaining who he was. It wouldn’t have been the first time he’d left them in the company of strangers. For years now he’d lived with the children, never speaking to any of them but Michael, and that was only to direct. _‘I need my pills’_ he would complain and gripe to Mike, the prescription was expensive but without it Zachariah would be in serious pain, probably not able to slip away through the door to the side porch off his room, during the day only to reappear days later asking for more. ‘ _More money, more food, more heat,’_ Cas thought angrily, _‘he always takes and then just disappear.’_

The snores in the next room faltered and Cas paused staring at the door for what felt like years before they started up again. Cas finished the beer and entertained getting another before reminding himself that winter would soon descend on their little town which would mean snow days and winter break, which would mean all of them stuck this tiny trailer together at the same time. It wasn’t something that happened often but, when it did, it was World War Three.

Cas left the empty bottle on the counter, telling himself he’d take it out in the morning and padded down the hall to his room. The first thing he noticed when he reached his dark room was the light of his phone on his bed illuminating the sheets that it was on. It was a text, Cas swiped open his phone.

**Meg M: Two New Texts**

**Meg M: Clarence! You have got! TO GET HERENOW!**

**Meg M: 24 maple drive ugh NOW!**

**Me: I don’t have a costume. Sorry.**

She replied instantly.

**Meg M: YOU DON’T NEED A COSTUME! You just need to be here NOW!**

Cas furrowed his brow and pulled on his sneakers. The last time Meg had been this urgent was when she’d been caught by her period early and made Cas go out and buy her tampons. He sincerely hoped this wasn’t the situation again.

**Me: What’s wrong?**

 Cas typed out before slipping into the Lincoln and turning the key in the ignition. He felt the phone buzz in his pocket halfway down the road but, didn’t stop to check it until he hit a red light farther down it. He groaned out loud and almost punched the steering wheel in his frustration.

**Meg M: IT’S GGE!!**

“GGE” was the often annoying abbreviation of the always annoying nickname Meg had dubbed Dean with a few weeks ago, the day of the football game, Gushing Green Eyes. Ever since that night Dean hadn’t invited him to another and Cas had never bothered to ask or show up to any of them. Meg, however, made a point from that night on to show up to everyone and text Cas the whole game giving him a play-by-play of every move on the field made by Dean. It seemed she had now sunk so low that she was stalking him.

**Me: No**

**Meg: No?? PLEASE CLARENCE! You have to see this.**

**Meg: It’s /very/ relevant to your interests. /VERY/**

Cas stared down at the phone, glaring as if it could text back Meg and eloquently and simply explain why Cas driving to a party where Dean Winchester and, he suspected, alcohol were involved. The light changed. Cas blinked and threw the phone on the passenger’s side and made the turn, he wasn’t going to give Meg the satisfaction of replying, even if he was going to the party.

The party was large, if Cas was being modest. If he wasn’t, he would be sure that every teenager in a one hundred mile radius was out at the barn on Maple Street. The music was deafening and the mass of people had spilled out beyond the giant open barn door. Cas could see flashing lights and the shadows of more people coming from the inside, even still in his car and about a hundred meters away Cas could still feel the bass of the music.

Cas groaned. How was he ever going to find Meg in that mess? He reached over to his cell and saw that he had three new texts from Meg. He ignored them in favor of calling her. The music was even louder over the phone but, he could still hear her shout an excited ‘YES!’ when he told her he was outside. A few minutes later she slipped into the car, still squealing a little. She only did that when she was drunk.

“Okay, okay, okay.” She panted out, trying to calm and taking a deep breath before squealing again and trying to pull Cas out of the passenger side door. Cas pulls his hand out of her vice like grip and pulls her back into the car by her waist,

“I’m not going in there until you tell me what’s going on.” Cas explains once the door is shut again.

“It’s Green Eyes.” She states indignantly.

Cas rolls his eyes. “Yes, I know, but, what is he doing that is causing such a ruckus?”

“He is dancing,” she says testily, moving into Cas’ space and pushing a finger into his chest with each word, “with a girl.” She backs off for a second and apparently dissatisfied with his reaction, get back in his face and hisses, “Dirty dancing.”

“Why do you or I care about-”

“Because If I have to hear about your freaking lesson plan for Winchester one more time or hear you gush about how smart he really is and if he’d just trust himself that he could do _so_ well.” Halfway through the sentence she’d adopted a mocking tone and it only got thicker as she went on. “Castiel Novak, you have got it bad and it’s stinking up the place!”

Cas reached his boiling point. “Meg!” He shouted at her effectively shutting her up. “Why? Why do you care? Why do you care?” He was on the verge of reaching out and shaking her shoulders when all of a sudden she matched his voice for loudness and shouted back.

“Because he’s straight!” She screamed. “And he’s in there fucking a girl with his clothes on on the dance floor.” Her words rang in the small space of the car and the two friends just stared at each other. She starts again but, quieter this time, more gentle. “Remember in the ninth grade when I died my hair blonde for the first time and the ends got all brassy?” Cas nodded and looked down at his hands, folded in his lap. “Remember when I made you cut it all off for me?” Cas nodded again and looked up to her face, her eyes were shiny and Cas knew his were too as she wrapped her arms around his neck. “Don’t make me cut off your hair.” She whispered. “Don’t dye it blond.”

Cas returned the hug slowly and whispered back. “I like you hair better when it’s dark anyway.” She chuckled and sniffed and Cas sniffed too but, didn’t laugh.

Meg and Cas held each other for a short time before they disentangled and Meg murmured “I’m sorry, Cas.”

“Me, too.” Cas murmured but, not making an effort to continue the conversation, only readjusting himself so that he was sitting forward in the seat again. “You’re drunk.” He stated simply. Meg opened her mouth to speak but, shut it a second later and just nodded. “Did you drive yourself or did someone else?”

“Balthazar and I came together.” Meg said and she gestured to her outfit. “He was Peter Pan.” Cas looked down at the green shimmery dress and cheap wings strapped to her back. She reached up and touched her hair. “I had a wig, she explained “but, you know.” She nodded toward the barn where the party was still raging on. Cas met Meg’s eyes with a blank stare and narrowed eyes. “Oh my God!” Meg exclaimed, scandalized. “You don’t who Tinkerbell is?”

“No, I don’t know who Tinkerbell is.” Cas griped.

“Okay!” She relented, throwing her hands up. “Take me back to my home base so I can grab the movies and then we can pass out on your couch half way through them.” She grinned when Cas finally started the car and pulled out onto the road.

 “Oh, we can’t be in the living room tonight to watch the movie, Zach’s home.” Cas said as they pulled up to Meg’s house. She groaned and told Cas to ‘give her a minute’ that was more like several minutes before she returned.

She slipped back into the car, now wearing sweatpants, a t-shirt and a sour expression, and passed a dvd case over to Cas. He ignored it in favor of Meg. “What’s wrong?” He asked noting the way she held her stomach.

“I threw up.” She muttered.

Cas tossed the case between them on the seat and started the car again. “Let’s get you home. We can watch the movie in my room but, we have to keep the volume down because Michael’s room, y’know.” Meg agreed sleepily from the passenger seat.

 She was fast asleep by the time they got back to Cas’ trailer. He helped her out of the car and eased her inside half carrying her dead weight. “Cas ‘m sorry.” She griped into his shoulder as they got to Cas’ room.

Cas shrugged her off onto his bed where she immediately spread out like an octopus and shoved her face on to his pillows with a satisfied snort. Cas settled down next to the bed and reached over to the pile of books underneath the bed. He flipped to the last page he was on and began to read by the weak light of the lamp that sat in the opposite corner. It was only when Gabe stumbled into the room that Cas realized that the sun was rising.

“Heya, baby bro,” Gabe whispered after seeing Meg on the bed. “Damsel in distress?” He asked pointing at her sleeping form.

Cas snorted, pushing himself up and ushering Gabe out of the room. “Meg Masters could eat us both alive if she was so inclined. She is hardly a “damsel in distress”.” Cas murmured as they headed toward the kitchen.

“Cas, honey, what have I told you about the air quotes?” Kali sighed from over her plate of eggs at the kitchen table.

Cas leaned against the fridge as Gabe continued into the room and over to the stove where a frying pan sizzled. “That I’ll never find a person who appreciates their subtle humor because they’re not subtle and no one thinks they’re funny.” Cas repeated back to her.

“And yet he continues to go to the beat of his own drum.” Gabe said, wiping a fake tear from his face. “Just how I raised him.” Gabe walked over to the living room side of the room and reached over to turn on the tv.

“Wait, Gabe!” Cas hissed as he saw him reach out, Gabe’s hand stilled over the button. Cas jabbed his finger at the door to Zachariah’s room. “He was here when I came in.” He explained, still hiss whispering.

Gabe made the ‘oh’ face and begrudgingly returned to the stove where he transferred the half the scrambled eggs in it to a paper plate. “You want the other half?” He asked showing the pan to Cas who denied it. Gabe shrugged and slipped it all onto the plate. “So, Cas, what are your plans for the day?” Gabe asked as he settled down at the table with his plate.

“After Meg wakes up we’ll probably watch this Peter Pan movie so I can learn about Tinkerbell and get maybe get some sleep later. I have work tomorrow; six to two, so I should go to sleep early.” Cas answered as he picked his fingernails.

Gabriel turned to him with a confused look on his face. “What the hell is a Tinkerbell?”

-

Tuesday came in with a roll of thunder. Cas grimaced at the rain clouds, that were heavy and threatening precipitation, as he stepped out of the Lincoln. He had it in the morning and to go to work but, as Gabe got out at five and didn’t want to wait around until seven to drive Cas to Dean’s house, he would have to get a ride from Dean. This was all fine, but, it was around nine o’clock when they were done that this situation became a problem. Every Tuesday and Thursday Dean would offer Cas a ride back to his house and Cas would decline and rush out before Dean could try to convince him otherwise but, although the nights had been cold, it hadn’t been raining.

_“If you ever want to scare someone away, girlfriend, best friend, who ever,” Gabe had slurred into his ear one of the first few nights the Gabe had discovered drinking and found solace in Cas’ listening ear, “just bring ‘em home whenever dear old Zach and Mikey are home. That’ll get ‘em off your case real quick.” Young Castiel had watched with wide eyes as Gabe took another pull of the drink in his hand. “Any time after dark, and they’ll be o u t, out!”_

He reached the main hall and saw Dean walking with the red-headed girl and Cas’ shoulders slumped. Outside thunder rumbled in the distance, the radio had warned that the rain would start around three o’clock and continue on until Wednesday morning. Cas wasn’t going to cave now and let Dean see the real crumbling foundations of Castiel’s family. No one in the town would ever speak directly about ‘the Novak boys’, it was their little taboo, all the gossip about his family. The warning bell rang and the hallway emptied considerably, Dean was gone now too but, the heaviness in Cas’ chest didn’t subside. An arm heavily flopped over Cas’ shoulders and Balthazar’s face appeared at his side.

“Cassie, you look like the world has just dealt you a bum deal.” He said guiding him toward their Pre-Calc class.

“It did.” Cas groaned.

Balthazar nodded. “Is there anything I can do to help?” He asked as he took his arm off Cas so they could both move through the door.

“Can you control the weather?” Cas asked mournfully as they both took their seats and searched through their bags for last night’s homework.

Balthazar leaned over as Ms. Mills started taking attendance. “Cassie, if I was that powerful I wouldn’t waste it on making sure it didn’t rain. I would do important things, like making sure Celine Dion never sang again.”

-

Work had been… sloppy and messy and now waiting for Dean underneath the awning in front of the building was the last thing Cas wanted to be doing. He stared down at the pale blue shirt he’d worn for work, or what could be seen of it beneath the mess of pea soup that the bumbling cook, Ken, had spilled down his front when he’d bumped into him. Cas isn’t entirely convinced that it was an accident.

Cas closed his eyes when he heard the rumble of the Impala’s engine from the road. It pulled up directly in front of him. Cas sighed he couldn’t close his hoodie without the soup getting on the inside and laundry day wasn’t until Sunday. He slipped into the car.

“Heya, Cas.” Dean greeted him , as usual, Cas looked over at him watching as his eyes tracked down to the mess on Cas’ shirt. “Whoa, what happened to you?”

“It was an “accident”.” Cas explained and grimaced when Dean burst out laughing. “What is it?”

“The-” Dean began through his laughter but, didn’t continue until he’d caught his breath. “It’s the air quotes!” He explained. “They’re so funny; I’ve just never seen anyone else do that before.” Dean trailed off and stared back at Cas. “I’m sorry I just-” He began.

“No, don’t apologize; I’ve just never met anyone who didn’t hate them.” Cas cut in, a small smile twitching onto his face.

“Oh.” Dean grinned. “When we get back to my house I can lend you one of my shirts, kay?”

“That would be fine, Dean, thank you.” Cas felt that warm feeling in his chest again and, damn, he was right back in again. Meg’s warnings held no weight in the light of Dean’s grin.

-

The rain was still coming in down in sheets and it was almost nine. Dean was on top of the world. ‘Tonight’s the night, Cas is going to have to let me take him home.’ Dean was hardly concentrating on the work in front of him, or anything for that matter because now Cas was calling his name.

“Dean, Dean, are you listening?” Cas said, a lot closer to Dean than he had anticipated as he turned his head to look at him. All Dean could take in for a moment was Cas’ blue laser eyes, as their faces were mere inches apart.

Dean chuckled self-consciously. “Jeez, Cas, personal space much?” He said, weakly.

Cas inched away imperceptibly. “Oh, I’m sorry.” There was a strange pause before Cas continued reaching out to point out one of the verses on the page in front of Dean. “The, um, the meter that you labeled in that verse is wrong.” But, Dean couldn’t look away from Cas.

“Oh.” He replied shortly. Cas looked back at Dean something in the air shifted, they stayed like that for what seemed like forever.

“I suppose,” Cas began slowly, “that you’ll want this shirt back?” He tilted his head as he asked the question and Dean was not thinking about how that put him at the perfect angle to lean in and kiss Cas. No, he wasn’t thinking that in the least. “Dean?” Cas asked. Was it Dean’s imagination or did Cas sound a little bit more hoarse than usual? Cas cleared his throat. “Dean?” He asked again, leaning away, a blush coloring his cheeks lightly. “Do you?” He asked a little breathless before blinking his eyes once. “I mean, do you want the shirt back?”

“No!” Dean almost shouted. “I mean, uh, I mean you can keep it.” Dean said, stumbling over his words only slightly. And that didn’t fill Dean with something weird, the thought of Cas wearing his clothes, around his house, in front of other people, maybe even in school. Cas turned away from Dean on the couch and gathered his books into his bag. Dean watched him for a second before commenting, “So it’s, uh, still really raining out there, huh?”

Cas didn’t look away from stuffing the plastic bag, which contained his stained shirt, into his backpack. “It is.” He answered simply.

“Do you want a ride back to your place?” Dean asked, with a valiant attempt to keep the hope out of his voice.

“No, Dean.” Cas stated firmly, already moving around the couch to dart out of the front door.

Dean scrambled after him. “Wait, one second.” He called after him. Cas turned around and gave Dean that look that made him think that Cas wanted nothing to do with him, ever. That look was the reason Dean didn’t text him for answers in chemistry anymore. It was an equal mix of ‘What do you want?’ and ‘What did I do?’. Dean took a breath. “I know you won’t let me drive you home but can I least give you something so you won’t get pneumonia on the way back?”

Cas stared for another full second before his expression shifted to something Dean didn’t recognize. “Yes, Dean.” He said softly.

Dean turned and opened the hall closet that was next to where Dean, Sam and sometimes, Cas threw their stuff and kicked off their shoes. “I found this in some boxes in the attic a few days ago and I think it’s waterproof.” He said as he pulled out a long tan trench coat from off one of the hangers inside. Dean, of course, was lying. After hearing an offhand comment that Cas’ winter jacket had been the only item in the storage shed to be ruined by mold he fished the coat from where he’d found it after living in the house for only a week, waterproofed it and hung it up in the closet.

Cas took the coat from Dean’s hands and stared down at it. “It seems,” lovely, thoughtful, perfect, Dean thought to himself, “a bit big?” Cas finished uncertainly.

Dean frowned. “Well I figured you could keep your hoodie underneath it or a sweater or something, when the winter sets in.” He shrugged as if it was no big deal but, Dean’s heart was hammering.

“That’s very, uh, thank you, Dean.” Cas said, slipping off his bag so he could put the coat on. It hung off his frame and made him look smaller than before but, Cas straightened out his shoulders for a moment and titled his head to the side. “How do I look?”

“You look great, Cas, yeah, great.” Dean clapped his hand onto his shoulder.

-

“Who gave you that?” Meg said around a mouthful of pizza, pointing to the coat draped over Cas lap.

A smile fitted into Cas’ features as he looked down to it and toyed with the sleeve. “Dean gave it to me last night, when I had to walk home in the rain.”

“Dean?” Meg and Uriel hissed in unison.

“He was a perfect gentleman about it.” Cas said mockingly haughty.

“I thought you were just tutoring him.” Uriel exclaimed. “Not exchanging gifts.”

“It’s not that, he just didn’t want me to get sick and wet on my way home.” Cas defended.

“I don’t like it.” Uriel said.

“I don’t like _him_. ” Meg agreed.

Cas bristled. “Dean is a good person.” He said to Meg and then turned to Uriel. “And I know he’s the reason the team has been winning games, so you’ve really got no reason to dislike him. What has he done to you two that’s made you not want him and I to be friends?” Meg and Uriel stared down at their trays with equal looks of shame and then shared a look with each other. Before either of them could open their mouths Cas stood up, throwing the coat on as he did. “I don’t want to hear it.” He snapped and with that, walked out of the cafeteria and didn’t look back.

Later, in eighth period Cas checked his phone. **Two New Texts.** One was from Meg which Cas ignored for the time being and the other was from Dean. Cas spared a glance up to the French teacher, who was blissfully unaware of anything her class was doing, and looked back down at the phone.

**Dean W: where you fighting with your friends earlier?**

**Me: Yes, why?**

**Dean W: you looked rlly mad I was wondering if youre alright**

**Me: I’m fine. They were angry with me about something stupid.**

**Dean W: is there anything i can do?**

Cas paused over keyboard, there were, in theory, a lot of things Dean could do to make the situation better, but none of those things would make Cas feel better. Before Cas could respond his phone buzzed in his hand.

**Dean W: how about I take your mind off it. We can hang out.**

Cas’ stomach gave a lurch but his fingers acted faster than his brain.

**Me: When?**

The seconds between Cas hitting send and Dean replying felt like every moment between the beginning of the universe and when the first caveman discovered fire.

**Dean W: tonight? If you don’t have any hw that is? :)**

**Me: Tonight sounds fine. When?**

Cas slipped the phone into his pocket and raised his hand. “Oui, Castiel?” The teacher said pulling herself out of the book that had been distracting her.

“Je peux aller aux toilettes?” Cas asked tentatively. The teacher assented and Cas made his way down the hall until he was in the bathroom, where he stared into the mirror. “You can’t do this, Castiel. You’re his tutor, not that that really matters . You can’t do this to yourself, he’s straight, Meg said so herself. But, she is really hell-bent on protecting you from him , even though you can protect yourself.” Cas laughed at his reflection. “What’s he going to do kiss you and then beat the shit out you?” Cas paused. “That is a very real possibility, Castiel Novak.”

Cas’ phone buzzed in his pocket. “I am stopping this.” He said as he pulled it out and read the text.

**Dean W: i can pick you up after work me and sammy where planning on a indiana jones marathon tonight. sound good?**

**Me: I’ve never seen that before.**

“I will stop this.” Cas reminded himself, as he did nothing to stop himself.

_-_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't let your family members have children because then you will have to take care of said child for a week while they recuperate from surgery and it will distract you from important things (read: this)  
> Two weeks.  
> P.S. the next chapter is when we'll have their not a date


	6. Christmas Lights and Family Fights

After all

I may be sentimental

And try to remember

A smile, your laugh

A photograph

And find

That I cannot

-

Dean adjusted the collar of his leather jacket and scowled at himself in the rearview mirror for the third time. _‘Not a date. Not a date. Not a date.’_ Dean mentally chastised himself. “Buddies,” he said out loud to the empty car, “friends, hanging out, watching movies, with my little brother.” He reminded himself. Dean glanced down at the clock for the third time and frowned, not out of anger but worry, it was fast approaching ten after seven and Cas got off at seven. The weather had canceled practice and Cas knew as much, which is why Dean had been here at six-fifty, instead of seven-twenty, waiting for Cas to get off his shift.

Dean tapped his foot again and tried not stare at the clock as it changed to seven-eleven. _‘How should I handle this rejection?’_ Dean thought, rather calmly, considering the situation. _‘He probably just doesn’t think of me as a much of a friend as I do.’_ Dean frowned and stared down into his hands. _‘Jeez, I’m not even smart enough to be friends with the guy in a normal situation, why would he be friends me when he knows how-’._ A movement caught Dean’s eye before he could finish the self-deprecating thought. It was Cas, all but stomping out the front door, trench coat whipping in the wind something wrapped in tinfoil held in his arms, in an attempt to shield whatever it was from the rain.

“Dean, I am so sorry.” He began as he slid into the car, placing the tinfoil package between them. “One of the people on the other shift had to leave because they cut themselves on a plate, so I had to help them finish in the dish room but after that, at six-fifty, my supervisor told me that I still had to finish the rest of my shift, despite the fact that she said she would do it and-”. Cas stopped his endless sentence and sighed. “I’m sorry I’m late but, I did steal this pie to make it up to you.” He gestured to the tinfoil and looked at Dean with the most sincerely contrite face Dean had ever seen.

Dean stared for a moment before remembering himself and blinking. “You stole a pie for me?”

Cas glanced down at it and then back at Dean. “I know it’s not the best apology gift but it is something.” Cas frowned down at it before starting up again. “I’m sorry Dean it was stupid, I shouldn’t have-”

“Cas.” Dean cut him off. “Pie is the best idea in any situation. I could,” _‘kiss you.’_ Dean cut himself off with a hollow laugh before he really did finish that sentence. “I could eat an entire pie by myself.”

Cas smiled at him happily. “That’s good, Dean. I’m glad. It’s chocolate chip pecan.”

Dean gaped at him before he started to pull out of his parking spot. “It’s what now?”

“Chocolate chip pecan pie, is that okay?” Cas asked, .

“Damn it, Cas.” Dean grinned at him before he pulled out onto the road. “You _are_ perfect; pecan pie is my absolute all-time favorite.”

By the time they pulled into the drive way of his house, Dean was all but salivating at the thought of the pie sitting between him and Cas. He had entertained the thought of skipping dinner and going straight for it but, he knew Sam would pull out a bitch face and force him to anyway. “Sammy, I’m back from picking up Cas!” He called out as he opened the door and walked in, shucking off his damp coat and shoes.

Sam walked out of the kitchen with a big grin on his face. “The spaghetti is almost done, Dean. Hi, Cas!” Cas returned the greeting.

Dean started toward the back of the house. “Awesome, I’m going to go grab the movies from my room, Cas why don’t you get comfortable in the living room and we’ll be in there in a minute!” Dean grinned when Cas smiled up at him from where he was unlacing his shoes. Dean slipped around the corner and took a settling breath as he entered his room. _‘Cas is here, in my house, not for any school related reasons. Cas is here.’_ Dean grinned at the thought. _‘Cas is out there with my nerdy little brother.’_ Dean hastened to find the DVD’s in his closet.

When he returned to the living room with the two cases in hand Sam and Cas where already sitting on the couch with plates of spaghetti in their hand, a third on the coffee table in front of them. Sam was in the middle of apparently quite a funny story because Cas was chuckling and hanging on to Sam’s words as if he intended to memorize them. “… and he kept talking about the kraken and I raised my hand and said ‘Sir, I’m not sure I understand what a mythological sea creature has to do with the Declaration of Independence.’”

Cas laughed again. “I had Mr. Green when I was in middle school, too and he _always,_ without fail, started talking about those National Treasure movies at least once a week, so, it’s not really that much of a stretch of the imagination that he’s moved on to Pirates of the Caribbean .” Sam burst out laughing around a mouthful of spaghetti.

Dean realized that he was standing in the doorway creepily watching his tutor/friend and little brother swap stories about people he didn’t know and moved into the living room to announce his presence. “Hey I got The Last Crusade and Kingdom of The Crystal Skull.” He said as he crouched in front of the DVD player and inserted the first disc. When it loaded and the previews began playing, Dean turned around and looked at Cas seriously. “Now, you have to promise me something,” He warned as he took his seat next to Cas on the couch. “You tell anyone, even if the goddamn Queen of England asks, you saw these movies in order.”

Cas nodded his head solemnly but, Sam snorted. “Dean is such a freak about watching shit in order.” He muttered to Cas.

“It’s important.” Dean shot back as he navigated the main menu. “Whenever I can get the first two we’ll have to watch them.” He shot a glance at Cas and was glad to see him smiling back at Dean.

“I would like that a lot, Dean.” He said before turning back to the TV where suspenseful music was playing over long panning shots of a desert. Dean, however didn’t look away from Cas for another moment, watching as the light of the blue sky on the TV played against the angles of Cas’ face. _‘Goddamnit, Dean.’_ He thought to himself as he turned back to the screen just in time to catch the first lines of the movie being shouted through the canyon.

-

The Last Crusade ended sometime after nine-forty, Sam glanced at the clock as the credits rolled and Dean got up to switch the discs. “I’m turning in, you know, school tomorrow and everything.” He said as he stretched toward the ceiling and yawned.

Dean looked up from where he was crouched in front of the TV and gasped with mock horror. “Sammy Winchester, I am ashamed! Chickening out on the second half of movie night for school, and in front of a guest, too?”

Cas shook his head and looked up at Sam, playing along. “For shame.” He said sadly.

Sam only chuckled. “Okay, now I’m definitely leaving before I have to witness you two getting even more buddy-buddy.” Sam walked to the back hall throwing a ‘good night’ over his shoulder before Dean and Cas heard his door click shut.

Dean walked back to the couch and plopped down on the couch next to Cas where he hadn’t moved from the center cushion. “So, did you like the movie?” Dean asked.

“I did Dean, actually I saw a lot of ties back to the Arthurian Legends and-” Cas cut himself off. “I’m rambling, aren’t I?”

“A little bit but, it was interesting.” Dean admitted with a small laugh. “Did you like anything else about it at all?”

“Indiana Jones, he reminded me of you.” When Cas was met with a perplexed stare from Dean, he continued on. “He was intelligent and witty but, he was also very physical and athletic.” Cas explained.

Dean scoffed and looked away. “Come on, Cas, I’m not-” he stopped and made a vague hand gesture. “Y’know.”

“No, I don’t know.” Cas replied shortly.

Dean sighed. “Intelligent. I’m not smart like you or Sam or Charlie or anything.” He groaned and hit the play button on the remote. “I don’t want to talk about this right now.” But, Cas snatched the remote out of his hands and paused the movie and turned to face him fully on the couch. Dean made a valiant effort not to focus on the fact that Cas’ knee was now touching his thigh.

“Dean, why do you think that?” He asked seriously.

Dean gave him a flat look. “Cas, you’re my tutor, you have seen, up close and personal, the amount of brain-power I have devoted to school.”

“Exactly,” Cas took a breath before he continued. “Dean, if you put half as much effort in to school as you did football or taking care of your brother you’d easily be an A-B student instead of a B-C one.” Cas ducked his head down into Dean’s line of sight so he could make eye contact with him. “Everyone has different priorities; sometimes I don’t do my work either but, none of that has to do with your level of intelligence.” Cas looked so sincere that Dean was inclined to believe him.

Dean kept his head ducked down but he looked up at Cas through his lashes. “Thank you, Cas.” He said quietly. Cas took a little breath, it seemed ragged, and the knee that pushed against his thigh shifted ever so slightly.

“You’re welcome, Dean.” Cas replied, even quieter, they stayed like that, turned into each other and staring, before Dean cleared his throat.

“We should, uh, get back to the movie. Right?”

“Yes!” Cas said a bit too loud before shifting back to stare at the TV and Dean hit play. If Cas’ legs stayed wide enough that the two boys’ knees and thighs brushed together every time one of them shifted, well, that wasn’t worth mentioning.

-

A little bit over an hour into the movie Dean’s eyes began to feel heavy and they began to drop closed every few seconds. _‘Cas will wake me up when the movie’s over.’_ Dean thought before fully letting his eyes shut and body relax.

Cas was engrossed in the movie when a pressure settled against his shoulder, he looked over and his mouth was met with the top of Dean’s head. He stilled at pseudo kiss and waited for Dean to recoil. He didn’t. Cas leaned forward just enough to see that Dean’s eyes were closed and his breathing was level and deep. Cas let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and relaxed against the couch, shifting his arm slightly so that Dean could lean more heavily against his side.

With Dean’s weight and warmth at his side and the sounds of Cate Blanchett and Harrison Ford arguing on screen, Cas’ eyes begin to feel heavier, dropping like lead. He too slipped off to sleep.

-

Dean shifted and nuzzled into his pillow. His pillow, which was warm and smelt like a strange brand of laundry detergent, he could even hear his pillow’s heartbeat. Dean frowned, _‘That’s not right.’_ Dean cracked open his eyes and watched as his hand twitched, seemingly of it’s own volition, where it was splayed out across Cas’ belly. _Cas’ belly._ Another arm was draped over Dean’s and took him, what felt forever to realize that that arm was connected to the chest that Dean was currently using as a pillow. _‘Cas’ belly. Cas’ arm, then Cas’ chest, right?’_ As Dean’s mind slowly got itself organized, Dean’s thumb was rubbing small circles into Cas’ stomach. About a half a minute later, when Dean realized what his thumb was doing and immediately stopped it, he’d come up with a list of facts.

                                            -Dean was laying in the crook of Castiel Novak’s arm.

                                            -Castiel; who was his tutor/friend (but most importantly his ~~friend~~ tutor).

                                            -This wasn’t so bad (maybe if they weren’t wearing jeans or if they’re were in a bed it would be more comfortable).

                                            - Don’t think about that right now. Don’t. Think. About. That.

Dean relaxed against Cas’ chest for a moment and let the feeling of being held settle with him. Cas’ left hand, the one that currently wasn’t cradling Dean, was slung over his chest resting against the point where Dean’s and his met. His fingers curled and twitched for a moment and it seemed like caress. Dean closed his eyes now fully intending to fall back asleep, he could deal with waking up next to his tutor tomorrow and _‘god damn, that TV is bright.’_ The menu screen for the movie was playing on repeat and even though the TV was muted it was enough to keep Dean awake.

He swept his eyes up and down the couch before he found the remote, resting at the V where Cas’ legs met.

Don’t. Think. About. That.

Dean sighed and slipped his hand down to reach for the remote. Cas _‘hmmmed’_ and spread his legs a little wider, causing the remote to fall between his legs. Dean’s hand stilled on it’s descent and Dean mentally berated himself. _‘Jeez, Winchester, last week at that game at North Rock, you took down that kid and he must have been over two hundred pounds.’_

He continued moving his hand down and pointedly ignore when his hand brushed Cas’ thigh as he closed it around hard, warm plastic.

Dean scoffed to himself as he switched off the TV. _‘He must been at least three-hundred.’_

-

“Well, I for one think you should do it.” Charlie said, slipping her books out of her locker.

“There’s nothing _to do_.” Dean groaned. “And even if there was, I wouldn’t do it. Cas is my tutor and I need him to pass English.”

“Dean,” Charlie started sympathetically, “last night I stayed up and played minecraft until one in the morning, you stayed up late and cuddle with a dreamy boy,” her voice turned to desperation, “please let me live vicariously through you and date him!” She clutched the front of his hoodie and pulled him to her with a pained look on her face. When she pulled his face to hers she whispered. “Go, my son, be queer for the both of us.”

Dean threw his head back and laughed, pushing her away from him. “It’s my dying wish!” She cried out, smiling. But, her face softened and so did her voice. “But, no really go ask dream-boat-boy out.”

“You- You’re a lesbian, you don’t even-“Dean started, grasping at straws now.

“Ah, ah, ah,” she cut him off, “Dean Winchester, just because I like girls does not mean I can’t appreciate the dreaminess of one Castiel Nov-”

“Excuse me?” A rough voice said from behind them.

Dean and Charlie whipped around, only to be faced by none other than dream-boat-boy himself.

“We were just talking about girls.” Dean blurted out quickly while Charlie shot him an ‘are you serious right now?’ look.

Cas tilted his head to the side and fixed his stare onto Charlie. “I’m not a girl.”

Charlie laughed nervously. “Of course not, Castiel.” She reached up and clapped her hand on his shoulder before pulling away quickly. “You are definitely a guy.” She grinned tightly and turned to Dean. “I’m going to get to class.” She said before shooting him a look that said ‘justfuckingdoit’.

Dean was still staring after Charlie when Cas spoke again. “I’m sorry, Dean.” He turned back to Cas and saw puppy-dog eyes to rival Sam at his whiniest.

“What for?” Dean asked, bewildered.

Cas kept on with those damn puppy dog eyes and his shoulders slumped, only slightly. “I mean about last night.”

“Oh,” Dean said simply, staring away from Cas pointedly, about to continue before Cas interrupted.

“I just wanted to apologize for imposing.” He rushed out and started to walk away from Dean but, he couldn’t have Cas thinking that was a reason to apologize _and was that a blush on Cas’ face?_ No, this was not something Dean could just let go.

“Cas, wait.” Dean said, gripping Cas’ arm and wheeling him around to face Dean again. “Last night wasn’t an imposition, or whatever, it was nice, having a friend over.” Now Dean could clearly see the blush on Cas’ face.

 “A friend?” Cas clarified looking at Dean with hope in his eyes.

“Yes, and maybe falling asleep on the couch afterwards wasn’t too bad.” Dean finished trying for offhand but failing by a mile. He knew he sounded eager, of all things, but he couldn’t seem to control his face or actions around Cas. “Maybe we could like, make it a thing, y’know? You could come over stay the night. Me and Sam have never really had anyone to do that with before it could be really fun. And this way you don’t have to slip out before any of us wakes up.” Dean was rambling now and knew it. It was what he did when he was nervous because really what he was suggesting was for Cas to come and sleep over again. “I mean you don’t always have to sleep on the couch or I mean _we_ don’t, um, or-”

“Dean,” Cas cut him off with a small smile playing over his lips, “how about if you ever want me to come and stay over again, just call. I’ll come when you call.” Cas adjusted the strap of his back pack, causing Dean’s arm to slip off his arm and fall back to his side. “I’m not working tonight so I’ll meet you at your house at seven, okay?”

“Okay.” Dean said numbly.

Cas shifted slightly. “If that’s okay?”

“That’s awesome.” Dean said quickly. Cas smiled and backed up a little before turning around and disappearing into the crowd of students. The warning bell rang and the crowd thinned a bit as Dean finally started making his way to class. He felt like he was floating but, as he entered the classroom and was greeted with a lascivious grin and wink from Charlie, Dean crashed. Now he was going to have deal with Charlie’s teasing for the next forty-five minutes.

-

Cas parked on the sidewalk despite the empty driveway and turned off his car. He glanced at the clock, it read six fifty-eight, and Cas resolved himself to stay in his car until Dean arrived. ‘ _It would be weird,’_ he rationalized, ‘ _to just be in the house without Dean. I’m not even sure if Sam likes having me ar-’_

“Cas!” Cas was cut from his thoughts by a shout from the house. Sam stood on the front doorstep waving to Cas. “Come in!” He called and Cas slipped out of the car, locking it up before moving over to Sam.

“Hello, Sam. How are you?” Cas asked as Sam lead him inside.

“I’m fine. Are you good with just ordering pizza tonight?” Sam asked, heading into the kitchen without glancing back. “I mean you must get sick of it but, there’s only so much two teenagers can cook. Well, really one but who’s counting?” Sam slid onto the counter and scooped up his phone to start dialing.

“Pizza is great but, you don’t have to ask me. It’s your house.” Cas leaned on the counter next to Sam who stopped dialing and looked over to him.

“Uh, Cas, you’re here quite a lot and from what Dean tells me you’ll be hanging out a lot more. So, yeah, dude you get a say when you’re here.” Sam smiled and hit the call button his phone bringing it to his ear and the conversation to an end. Cas dropped his head and looked down at his hands remembering all the times, even in his own family, when he hadn’t gotten a say in anything. The contrast brought a smile to his face.

After Sam was done placing the order, a silence fell over the two boys before Sam cleared his throat and slipped off the counter to face Cas.

He cleared his throat again. “I need to talk to you about something.” He said simply and Cas waited for him to go on. “Dean is,” Sam bit his lip and searched for the right words. “Dean doesn’t really know how to go for something,” He started slowly. “When he, like, _really_ wants it because he thinks people don’t or, um, can’t-”

“Sam, what are you getting at?” Cas interrupted.

Sam took a deep breath and seemed to steel himself. “I think Dean-”

“I’m home!” Dean called from the entryway.

“I think Dean is home.” Sam said, exasperatedly, throwing up his hands and stalking to the other side of the room, as if needing to dispel energy from his body.

“Cas,” he said entering the kitchen, “is that your car out there?” He face was a mix of awe and revulsion.

“Yes.” Cas said simply but expecting a tirade from Dean. He had heard him talk at length about how much he dislikes it (well, dislike hadn’t been the word he’d used) when drivers didn’t take care of their cars.

“Oh, it’s kind of-”

“I know.” Cas cut him off, he was waiting for the inevitable anger.

Dean went to the window in the peered out it. “How does she run?”

“Not well.”

“I could, uh, do some work on her for you.” Dean said conversationally. “You know when the weather’s better.” Cas and Sam had the same look of confusion on their faces when Dean turned back around. “What?”

Sam just shook his head and sighed. “I’ll be out later when the pizza comes.” And he stalked back to his room.

-

About an hour later Dean and Cas were sitting on the couch, Cas pouring over a book and Dean was tapping a pencil against the paper he was supposed to be working on instead of writing it. “So, uh, Cas, are you working a lot this weekend?”

“No, not really.” Said Cas not looking up from his book. “People are saving their vacation hours for the holidays, so there are less slots to be filled.”

“Oh, do you want to come over this weekend? I mean, I think the library has the first two Indiana Jones movies.” Dean said not looking up at Cas but, when he did Cas was staring at him.

“Dean that would be wonderful.” Cas broke into another smile that made Dean’s heart leap.

“Awesome.” Dean paused glanced down at his work and then back at Cas. “What about the holidays?”

Cas shrugged and looked back down at his book. “My family doesn’t celebrate really Thanksgiving and Christmas. Gabe and I usually go out to a party in town, or something, on Christmas but, that’s the about the extent of our festivities. Are you doing anything?”

“We moved around so much that me and Sam never really had a chance to.” Dean shrugged.

“You could spend it with Gabe and I.” Cas said simply but, the silence that followed was anything but.

“I could.” Dean’s mouth was suddenly and inexplicably dry.

“You could come and pick me and Gabe up.”

“At your house?” Dean asked, turning to face Cas on the couch.

Cas nodded slowly, something like fear behind his eyes. “At my house.”

A grin cracked Dean’s face. “That would be awesome.”

-

Thanksgiving passed and Christmas was upon the little town of Fitchburg in no time at all. Since that night at Dean’s house, Cas had come and slept over at least once a week, most of the time “accidentally” falling asleep on the couch with Dean. Always waking up, curled into the other’s arms, with shy smiles and no one in the house commented when Dean took to leaving an afghan slung over the back of the couch. The snow came snow days were had and Cas’ lips began to dry and crack. He took to ripping off pieces of the skin absent mindedly and that just gave Dean another excuse to stare at his mouth when he wasn’t talking. Still, despite the invite to Cas’ house on Christmas Eve Dean was denied the opportunity to see it before then.

“It’s like he’s saving it for marriage or something.” Dean griped as he and Sam brushed their teeth one morning.

“Ooh, maybe that’s it. Once you see it you’re in for life.” Sam said sarcastically.

Dean just glared at him in the mirror.

Despite all of Dean’s complaining, when the day came he was nervous. He drove down street after street, going through graffiti covered overpasses and ancient homes with wilting roofs before reaching the dirt covered gravel road with piles of dirty snow high on each side of the street, almost blocking the mobile homes that stood behind them. “It’s in the back of the park,” Cas had told him, “white with two porches, right before the cul-de-sac. You won’t be able to see the street number.”

Sure enough there it was, Dean pulled into the drive way on the side of it and cut the engine. The trailer was more dirty-white then actually white, it looked as if there was a patch of mold growing on the back end, the metal of the door was rusting and the screen on it was holy. Cas appeared in the doorway a moment later. He swept out of the door and Cas walked up to the driver’s side of the window, he was only in a t-shirt despite the cold. Dean rolled down his window and Cas leaned down to Dean’s level.

“Do you want to come inside?” Cas asked his face was even and guarded.

That did it for Dean. “Yes, I do.” He said firmly. Cas moved back from the door to allow room for Dean to get out but he didn’t move farther than that.

“Then I have to tell you about someone.” Cas said ominously. Dean just nodded for him to continue. “I have a fourteen year old little sister.” He said letting the sentence hang in the cold air. He let out a puff of breath before continuing. “But, she pretends not be our sister because she has a different last name than us. It makes it easier for her in school to not be associated with us.” Cas stared down Dean.

“Okay, wha-” Dean started.

“She wants me to swear you to secrecy, that you won’t tell anyone about her. I told her I trust you and that you would do it. Do you still want to come inside?”

Dean gulped, he’d kept a lot of secrets in his life and this would really just be one more to add to the list. “Yes, I do.” He repeated.

Cas turned on a dime and lead him into the dimly lit trailer. Off to the right was a hallway and immediately to the left was a kitchen with a table fitted in the space between the door and the wall. It was a tight fit. Cas moved into the hallway and stopped Dean from following. He nodded to the other end of a table where a red-headed girl sat. “Dean, this is Anael. Anael, Dean.”

“It’s Anna, Castiel, I told you not to call me that.” She said gravely.

“Fine,” Cas relented, “Anna keep Dean company while I go get some stuff and Gabe.” He hurried off down the hall and into a door which a low bass sounded from.

Dean stood next to the door for a few minutes before Anna spoke. “Sit down, Dean.”

“Dean, you don’t want to get into this.” Anna said as he sat down at the opposite end of the table from her.

“What do you mean?”

She sighed and all of a sudden looked a lot older than fourteen. “This family, we’re all messed up. The last thing I want is for us to drag you down, too.”

Dean scoffed. “You’ve got a lot of nerve saying that, the way you pretend to not be their sister. I don’t think you know how much Cas and Gabe care for you.”

“I do know!” She protested and Dean opened his mouth to speak but she spoke before him. “I know Gabe gets high all the time so he can pretend he doesn’t care about what Michael and Uncle Zach think of him. I know he really cares about the people he works with and he wishes he could go back to school and become and RNA but he doesn’t want to waste the family’s money.” Her eyes were glassy now and her voice got quieter. “I know Cas only tells the truth when he’s drunk and I know he drinks to forget. I know he sat me down at this table one night when I was ten and told me he’d always keep my secret because if I didn’t then I’d leave and he doesn’t want me to be alone.” Her voice broke a little. “He doesn’t want me to be alone like he was when he was younger. I know what it was like before I was born and I know about Luc and,” Her eyelashes were wet, she closed her eyes and a tear rolled down her cheek.  “I know about their mother.” The silence in the room was stifling for a full minute before she opened her eyes and spoke again. Her gaze was fierce and unyielding but her voice was hushed. “Do not tell me I don’t know.”

Dean opened his mouth but no words came out. There was nothing he could say.

Cas chose that moment to come out of his bedroom, stumbling only slightly, Gabe and a girl following close behind. Gabe and the girl, who Dean remembered seeing at school once or twice, slipped out the door immediately, letting the screen door bang behind them. Cas, however, approached Dean from the back and hooked his arm in front of Dean’s neck and slid the half drunken bottle of whiskey into Dean’s lap. “Hey, Dean, how’s about we blow this-” but his words faltered when he saw Anna sitting at the table. He stood up straight. “Anael, what’s the matter?” He murmured as he walked over to her side of the table. He went down on his knees next her chair and reached out to cradle her hand in his. To Dean he looked like a sinner praying on his knees to a saint, begging forgiveness. He leaned forward and pressed his lips to her knuckles and rested his head where their hands met on top of her thigh. His face was turned away from Dean but he could imagine the look of concentration on his face.

Anna reached her other hand over her lap and brushed it down the side of Cas’ head. “Everything is fine, Castiel.” She circled her hand around his back and folded herself in half to lay her head on top of his. She was facing Dean but, her eyes were closed and fresh tears were slipping out and pooling on the bridge of her nose and sliding down the side of her face. “I want you to go have fun at your party, okay?” She pulled herself up and sniffed a few times but before she could untangle her hands from Cas’ to wipe away the tears, Cas lifted his own and wiped them away. He pulled her face down to meet his, their foreheads touching and their eyes closed.

Dean felt every part the intruder in this scene, trying for the life of him to become a part of the chair he sat in so as not to interrupt the brother and sister in their moment. When Cas’ had used Anna’s real name and she’d done the same in return it was as if walls had been erected around them and they were now trading state secrets in only those few syllables. It was that moment when Dean realized it didn’t matter how much of a secret Anna was, she was still very much a part of Cas’ life, a very important part it seemed.

Cas finally leaned himself away from Anna and like that the walls were gone. He stood and tapped her on the nose. “I will have fun at that party just for you.” He smiled wide and fake and she did the same back. Cas walked back over to Dean and lifted the bottle from his hands. He took a long pull of it before heading out the door.

Dean stood too and looked at Anna. She opened her mouth to speak but he spoke before her. “I’m sorry.” He glanced behind him at the door when Cas called for him from the yard. “I’ll look after him.” Anna smiled slow and sad. For second Dean wondered how anyone could think they weren’t related because to him, in that moment, they could have been twins.

-

The night was long, after finally seeing the Novak household, everything else paled in comparison. Dean drank one or two beers and mostly stuck by Cas’ side, who was, seemingly, on a mission to get as drunk as possible. At some time around midnight someone set up an impromptu poker game in the back of the kitchen and Cas and Gabe both got pulled into it somehow. Cas was very good at poker, even drunk his game face was unbreakable and that seemed to rub Gabe the wrong way because you could read his hand all over his face.

This seemed to rub Gabe in so much of the wrong way that he accused Cas of cheating and insisted that they ‘take it out front’, all the while Dean trying to persuade the boys not to.

They did take it outside and after Cas threw a killer left hook to Gabe’s face, Gabe started fighting dirty. It ended with a split lip, a black eye and most likely a bruised chest for Cas, and Dean sincerely hoped Gabriel was going somewhere with someone to look after his injuries because he was definitely worse off than Cas. All this reminded Dean that Cas was really incredibly strong. As Dean had pulled him off Gabe he’d felt the solid muscle of Cas’ abdomen and his flexing biceps. It was easy for Dean to forget that he was so muscular, hidden away underneath clothes that were sizes too big because he shared them all with Gabriel.

“I didn’t fucking cheat.” Cas slurred in the passenger seat of the impala, where he searched through his coat, that Dean had held all night, to find the bottle hidden away in the pockets. “Right, Dean? I didn’t fucking cheat.” He found the bottle and drank the remaining whiskey inside.

Dean didn’t answer in favor of questioning Cas. “Do you want me to take you home?”

“Can’t. Kali can’t take Gabe back to her house so, they’re going back to our house.” He laughed until he hiccupped “I mean _my_ house.” Then leaned over to Dean’s side of the car. “You can just, pfft,” he made a gesture out the window, “me out on the street, I’ll walk it off or something.”

“The fuck you will,” Dean said scandalized, “you’ll freeze to death out there.” Dean sighed and started the car. “I’ll take you back to my house.”

Cas leaned back to his side of the car but didn’t stop staring at Dean as they pulled out onto the street. “I’m not going if you don’t want me there.” Cas said quietly.

The party had only been a few streets away from Dean’s house and he was almost home in no time at all. “Of course I want you there.” He looked over at Cas as he pulled into the driveway. “Of course I want you,” Dean gulped at the look on Cas’ face, “here.” He finished with a break in his voice.

Cas and that face followed him all the way into the house and down the back hall. Cas was starting to have trouble forming coherent sentences and most of them started with ‘ugh’ or ‘Deany-meany-beany’ or something of that nature. Dean lead Cas back to his bedroom. “I don’t want you to be alone in case you start to, like, choke on your vomit or something, okay? So we’re going to sleep in here, it’ll be like the couch except less crowded, right?” Dean was standing by his bed and turned to look at Cas who was standing a lot closer than he’d remembered. 

All Cas did was ‘hmm’ lowly and leaned into Dean’s space.

“Cas what’re you-”

Cas cut him off by pressing his bloodied lips to Dean’s. It was an effective silencer. Cas released Dean’s mouth and grinned before falling sideways, full clothed, on Dean’s bed, were he emitted a loud large snore.

Dean stared at him his heart hammering in his chest, so loud it could wake up the entire neighborhood. Dean methodically removed Cas’ hoodie, shoes and pants before taking off his own and slipping under his covers next to him, probably without blinking or breathing.

He laid under the covers next to Cas’ sleeping form and stared at the ceiling. _‘Cas kissed me.’_ The only thought running through his head. _‘But, he probably won’t remember it tomorrow.’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Give a mouse a muffin and he'll ask for a glass of milk.  
> Give a girl another week to write a chapter and she'll still procrastinate.
> 
> If it's any consolation, actually writing the chapter was a lot smoother process because I had longer to plan so that's great. See you in two weeks. :)


	7. Fireworks

The Universe holds it’s space

The space holds the Earth

The Earth holds ground

The ground holds the city

The City holds the buildings

The buildings hold the people

The people hold each other

Why can’t I do the same?

-

_“From New Year’s to The Fourth of July and back again ‘Big Bob’s Firework Emporium’ has got you covered! Sparklers for the kids and screamer’s for the even bigger kids.”_ Cas groaned and rolled over, the sounds of the T.V. playing in the living room seemed to be bouncing around in his skull. _“With locations all up and down the eastern coast you can bet that no matter where you are or the time of year Big Bob has got you covered.”_

Cas shifted to his left, only mildly surprised when he didn’t hit the wall. “Christ, if they turn that up any louder Zach’s gonna come out and ream them.” Cas griped into his pillow.

It was only when a bright loud laugh rang through the air that he realized he wasn’t in his house. “They can’t even sell fireworks in Mass., what a weird commercial.” The voice that accompanied it said. These sheets were not his own. _That laugh and voice belonged to Sam Winchester. He was in Dean’s bed._ All of these realizations hit Cas at once and it was only shortly after he sat up in bed did he realize the strangest one of all:

_‘I’m not wearing any pants.’_ Castiel lifted the sheets off his body to confirm his suspicions and was horrifyingly proved correct. Shame made the blood in his face heat up and Cas covered his face with hands, wincing from the pain in his chest, then grimacing because of the pain in his eye and then giving up on facial expression all together when he felt his lip throb from where it was undoubtedly split.

Everything hurt and the night before was a hazy mess of Dean, Gabriel and a short-lived game of poker, that Cas couldn’t fathom why it had ended. Cas had only hoped that in his drunken inhibition-less state he’d hadn’t thrown himself at Dean. _‘Maybe,’_ he mused, _‘Dean knocked me out when I did. That would explain all the bruising.’_ Finally, after the initial wave of embarrassment had passed Cas raised his head from his hands and surveyed the room until he found the familiar pile of his clothes. They were folded and hanging out of a chest of drawers in the other corner of the room. Cas immediately amended his earlier thought. _‘Dean wouldn’t hurt me like that, he’s a good person.’_

A Cas got up pulled on his jeans he finally looked around the rest of the room. It was very… bare, especially for a teenage boy. No posters from video game cases or racy skin mags or bands or anything of the sort, it was nothing like Cas and Gabe’s room which walls were practically papered with the stuff, mostly Gabriel’s fault but Cas wasn’t complaining. The closet was cracked open a little bit and inside there where three or four plaid shirts and Dean’s just-a-bit-too-big leather jacket. “Don’t snoop, Castiel.” He muttered to himself as he pulled open the other drawers to see what was inside. The top drawer, that Cas’ clothes had been hanging out of was partially filled with socks and underwear, all very nondescript, the next had haphazardly folded shirts and the third was filled with rolled up pairs of jeans. The last two, however, were empty.

Cas frowned and pulled on his hoodie, his eyes searched the room again to find his shoes tucked in the corner next to Dean’s. They were equally as old and scuffed, even though Cas’ had salt lines peppering them. Instead of slipping them on Cas picked them up by the strings and poked his head out of the door to the hallway. The coast was clear and Cas idly wondered if he would be able to slip out, past the living room and the kitchen before Dean noticed he was gone. He ducked back into the room and considered the window which would open into the backyard but the fence was high and wooden and the gate opened to the space between Dean’s house and the next that passed by one the window’s in the kitchen. Cas sat down on the bed again and began to lace up his shoes and consider his options when Dean slipped through the door quietly, back first keeping his head outside of the door until the last second.

“Hello, Dean.” Cas said and Dean whipped around and pushed his back against the door.

“Oh, Cas, didn’t know you were up already.” He chuckled nervously and glanced down at Cas’ feet where he was starting to tie his left shoe. “Are you leaving already?” Dean looked back up to his face with a concerned look.

Cas stood up and didn’t look away from Dean’s face until he remembered that it was ‘creepy’ that he stared so much. “I would’ve thought that you and Sam would want to conclude the holiday in relative peace.” A beat in which Cas considered his next words carefully. “I do apologize for whatever transpired last night. I don’t remember much of it.”

Dean made a noise that sounded like relief and Cas looked back up at him, leaning up against _his_ doorway to _his_ room, that only a few minutes ago Cas had been rolling around in his bed with no pants on. Cas took in the absurd looseness of Dean’s pajama pants, hanging low on his hips, and the equally absurd tightness of the plain white t-shirt he was wearing. The thin sleeves pulled tight over his biceps, probably developed from months of throwing footballs across fields. Cas became aware of his knees, specifically the back of his knees that were pressed against the edge of Dean’s bed and in conjunction with the awareness of the strength in Dean’s arms Cas was struck by the _absolutely absurd thought_ of Dean pushing him back onto the bed and kissing him silly. Cas became aware of his throat going dry.

Cas realized that he was staring at Dean, again. But, Dean was staring at Cas too, so maybe it made it okay. A voice in the back of Cas’ head disagreed though. _‘It’s not okay that you have such perverted thoughts about this boy.  Do you know how much he would hate you if he ever found out? He would tell the entire school so that they would all hate you, too.’_ The voice sounded a lot like Zachariah as hissed in his mind but Cas tried to dampen it so he could listen to Dean speaking now.

“And I was thinking, if you really don’t want to stay to at least eat something you should at least let me take a look at your, uh, wounds. I have something we can put over your lips,” Dean gulped rather loudly and gave a weak chuckle when he continued, “in our medicine kit.”

Cas took a moment before he replied. “If you’re fine with me staying I’d like to.” Dean led him to a small bathroom and instructed him to sit on the toilet while he dug around in the cabinet underneath the sink. When he pulled out a large silver case and hefted it up onto the sink he very carefully avoided eye contact with Cas. “You might want to take of your shirt, too, I saw Gabriel get some pretty good hits in there.”

“Gabriel?” Cas asked as he lifted his thin t-shirt over his head.

“Yeah,” Dean answered as he rooted around inside, “after the botched poker game you and Gab-” All sound fell from Dean’s  mouth as he turned around with a small tube in his hand and looked at Cas, his eye flitting between his face and his chest, finally settling on his chest with a horrified look on his face.

_‘Am I really that bad looking?’_ Cas thought as he felt a heat rise in his cheeks. He glanced down at his chest to see what Dean was looking at and then felt the blood drain from his face when he saw the large heel shape bruised blow his sternum. It was dark and angry and Cas immediately felt the pain of it just from looking.

Dean made a choked noise and let the tube slip from his hand, Cas watched as it clattered against the tile floor and Dean raced from the bathroom, only to reappear a few seconds later with a bag of frozen peas in his hand. He kneeled down on front of Cas and gently laid the bag over the bruise. Cas let his hands fall to the sides and looked at Dean’s stricken face. “I’m so sorry.” Dean said weakly, glancing up into Cas’ eyes. “This is really all my fault.”

Cas raised his hand to the one that was holding the bag of peas up, instead of taking it from Dean, like Cas had originally planned, he ended up just cradling Dean’s hand in his own. “I don’t see how that’s possible.” Cas said gently.

Dean grimaced. “I was pulling you away from the fight and Kali was getting Gabe out of there, He was close enough to land this kick but I had you hooked underneath the shoulders and you couldn’t block yourself.” Dean paused and slipped his hand away from Cas’. “I’m sorry.” He repeated letting his eyes fall to the ground.

“Dean, it’s okay. The bruise will heal and by the time I get home Gabe and I will be fine.” Cas kept the bag of peas on his chest as Dean found the little tube and pressed some onto his finger.

“This might sting a little bit.” Dean said, his finger pausing just above Cas’ lip.

Cas met Dean’s gaze. “It’s okay.” He said quietly. Dean gently smeared the gel over his lip with minimal wincing on Cas’ part. They never broke eye contact.

After the gel had been spread _quite thoroughly_ Dean lowered his hand and cleared his throat loudly. “I’m going to go back to the living room, um, you can finish up, I mean,” Dean stood and backed out of the door. “I think there’s some sweats in my room you can borrow, I mean, if you don’t want to wear pants, uh, jeans.” Dean swallowed and closed his eyes briefly. “Just, uh, be comfortable, ‘It’s A Wonderful Life’ is coming on TV and Sam really wants to watch it so,” Dean made a vague hand gesture before fully backing out of the bathroom. A muffled ‘sorry’ came through the door a second later.

Cas sighed. “It’s okay.” Cas opted to stay in his jeans but, he did return his shoes to Dean’s room.

-

A few hours later Cas, Dean and Sam were sprawled out on the couch as Clarence made his decision to stay alive. Dean was practically laying between Sam and Cas, his leg bumping into and occasionally resting against Cas’ thigh.  Dean sighed. “Well, I never thought that would end.”  Dean clicked off the TV and Sam harrumphed.

“Jeez, Dean, I liked it.” He said crossing his arms.

“I liked it, too. A lot of food for thought.” Cas agreed and Sam grinned at him.

“I’d like to thank all the angels in heaven for blessing me with two giant nerds in my living room.” Dean said standing up and moving into the back hall. He ducked into his room and immediately reached under his bed for two small wrapped presents. Dean made his way back out to the living room but stopped before entering when he heard Sam and Cas talking hushed tones.

“Do you see what I’m saying about my brother, Cas?” Sam whispered.

“I think I do but, Sam do you think you could be wrong?” Dean peeked around the edge of the door frame and the look on Cas’ face was incredibly tense.

“Hey, guys!” Dean said smiling too widely as he finally rounded the corner holding the packages behind his back. Cas and Sam moved away from each other and turned toward Dean, who tossed the presents over the back of the couch and into their laps.

Sam instantly began ripping at the paper. “Dean, is this for real?” He exclaimed holding up the five paperbacks in his hands.

“No, they’re fake.” Dean said seriously resting his weight on the back of the couch, Sam shot him a bitchface in return. “They were having a sale at the bookstore downtown and I know for a fact that in eleventh grade honors you have to read that Dante book, so you can be ahead of the game as usual.”

Cas still hadn’t unwrapped his present but stared up at Dean curiously. “How do you know we’re reading Dante’s Inferno?”

Dean chuckled. “Cas I do listen to you speak, you know that right?” A small smile graced Cas face and he finally turned his attention to the present in his lap.

Cas opened it carefully under the watchful eyes of the two boys until Sam gave a light chuckle. “Cas, stop acting like you’ve never opened a present before.” He joked.

Cas gulped. “It has been a while.” Inside the wrapping was a black cd case. “AC/DC Back In Black?” Cas read out loud.

“Yeah, this is the band I was playing for you a couple of days ago. You said you like them, right?” Dean couldn’t see it from his vantage point but Sam could see the brightness in his eyes.

After a beat of silence that made Dean’s heart rate speed up exponentially, Cas spoke. “Yes, Dean, thank you so much.” Another beat as Cas blinked his eyes too rapidly and Dean couldn’t find his voice. “I didn’t get anything for you, I’m so sorry.” Cas finally looked up at Dean the worry on his face apparent.

“Well, you can make it up to me some other way.” Dean said without missing a beat.

Cas thought for a moment. “New Year’s!” He finally said excitedly. “There’s a place about a half hour from here where you can see the best fireworks. I’ll drive us all up there to watch them.”

Dean opened his mouth to reply but Sam cut him off. “That sounds awesome! What time do you think you should pick us up? Around ten sounds great, right?” For a split second Dean thought he saw a look pass between Cas and Sam but brushed it off when Cas wholeheartedly agreed with him.

Soon after the brief exchange of gifts Cas told Dean that he should be getting back to his house before his four o’clock shift. Dean headed back to his room to throw on his jacket and shoes and Cas followed him back to his room to put back on his shoes. They sat on the bed together lacing up their shoes, legs and thighs still brushing like they’d been earlier.

-

Cas got out the car the split second Dean had put it into park in his driveway. “Thank you, Dean, for everything.” He said as he moved away from the car quickly disappearing into the house.

Dean shifted the car back into reverse. “Yeah, Cas, you’re welcome, have good day at work.” He said to the empty passenger side seat as he pulled out.

Inside the trailer it was dark, it was always dark, like some black cloud had moved in one day and no matter how sunny it was out the light got caught up in it. Cas closed the screen door silently and was concentrating on not stepping on the creakiest of boards. It was because of all this that he did not see Michael and Anna sitting at the dining room table.

“Castiel, where have you been?” Michael said quietly and dangerously, causing Cas’ heart to almost leap out of his chest.

He turned around slowly to see Michael where Anna had been sitting last night and Anna sitting directly next to him fiddling with something in her lap. “I, uh, I stayed over at a friend’s house after the party Gabe and I went to last night.”

Michael leaned back in the chair and considered this for a moment. “That Masters’ girl?” He asked with a sneer.

“No.”

“Balthazar’s?”

“No.”

Michael grew frustrated. “Who then?”

“Someone.” Cas answered shortly and started to turn back around.

“Castiel, we need to talk, all of the family. Do you know where Gabriel is?” Michael said a little louder than necessary.

Cas glanced at the clock on the wall above Michael’s head and sighed. “Probably still over at Kali’s. Look, just tell me and I’ll swing by her house after my shift to tell him, okay? I have to get changed and get going or I’ll be late.”

Michael tsk’d at him. “No, I think you should call out of work today and go pick up Gabe now, this is an important family matter, that we will _all_ need to discuss.”

“I can’t just call out of work on such short notice for-”

Michael stood up, the chair scraped against the ground. “No, Castiel. Call out and pick up your brother, this is extremely important.”

The stare-off between the two boys lasted only few seconds until Cas relented and grabbed the keys off the hook. “I’ll be back in a bit.” Cas sighed as he went back outside.

-

“I don’t know, Sam, _isn’t it weird to make plans with someone and then disappear off the face the planet?_ Because, I think yes, yes it is.” Dean huffed as he pulled into the parking space at the far end of the lot.

“Maybe he ran out of minutes, you know it’s happened to us before.” Sam replied slipping out of the car and shutting the door with a little more force than necessary.

Dean followed him out and they both started toward the supermarket at a rapid pace. “I know he hasn’t because yesterday when I texted him if I could come over or pick him up to hang out he texted me back but all it said was ‘don’t come’. Look.” Dean took his phone out of his pocket, unlocked it and handed it over to Sam.

**Me:** Hey how’s the bruise healing?

**Me:** Did u get my last text?

**Me:** Do you want to hang out i can swing by and pick you up if thats cool?

**Cas N:** Don’t come.

**Me:** Okay.

**Me:** Are we still on for New Year’s?

“And there’s nothing else?” Sam asked handing the phone back to him.

Dean pulled a cart out of the corral and pushed it through the automatic door. “Well, I did try to call him but, it rang once and went to voice mail.”

“Ooh,” Sam winced, “that means he rejected your call.” Dean just stared down at the list in his hands.

“We need chicken.” Dean answered lamely.

Sam’s face softened. “Maybe he’s really busy or something.” Dean just sighed and Sam grew frustrated. “Maybe this is his way of telling you he’s canceling your date.” He snapped.

Dean whipped around to point at him. “It’s not a date; you’re coming too and anyway Cas isn’t like that, he wouldn’t just ignore me and hope I forget if he didn’t want to go.” Dean stalked off toward the meat section and Sam followed. It was only a few minutes later when the two boys were looking at chicken breasts wrapped up in cellophane that Dean spoke again. “Do you really think he’d do something like that?” He asked quietly.

Sam sighed. “No, Dean, it’s just the only thing you’ve been talking about for a while.”

Dean huffed. “It’s been five days, if you count today, since I saw or talked to my friend. We’re supposed to see him tomorrow but as of press time there has been no communication as to whether or not he’s even coming.”

-

Gabe gave Cas one final push out the window and he toppled out into the snow bank below. Cas popped up a second later, a scowl on his face and snow dusting his body. Gabe clamped a hand over his mouth to stifle his laughter.

Cas ignored that and glanced around to watch for anybody who could potentially ruin this plan. “Are you sure this is going to work?” He whispered.

Gabe frowned at him. “It doesn’t matter if it works or not. Operation get baby bro laid was a-go a soon as we shoveled this snow under our window and look I’ll text if anything happens.”

Cas glared back. “I am not getting laid. I’m hanging out with my friend and his little brother.”

“I don’t care what you want to call the plan, just go get some Winchester booty.” Gabe said sliding the window shut softly. With that Cas ducked down and crept to the road, trying and failing, to make as little disturbances in the snow as possible. When he reached the road Cas started to run, the clock in his bedroom had read 10:45, he was late already.

Cas finally reached Dean’s street but didn’t stop running until he was at his door. He knocked, not too loudly, and the few moments in between that and Dean answering the door felt torturously long. When Dean finally did open the door he was wearing sweatpants, a t-shirt, and a sad visage that immediately brightened when he saw Cas.

“Cas!” He exclaimed reaching out of the house and pulling him into a hug. “Where the hell have you been? I was worried sick, did you get any of my texts?” Dean pulled himself away from Cas and looked at him again. “Did you run here?”

“Working and dealing with family stuff,” Cas said, still panting a little, “uh, my, uh, phone got stolen, and yes, I did run here.” Cas avoided Dean’s eyes to stare at their feet. “I’m sorry I’m so late, we probably won’t make to the cliff in time since the fireworks start in,” Cas glanced at his watch, “ten minutes.” Cas’ shoulders slumped and he just wanted to disappear.

“That’s fine, Cas. Now, get inside before you freeze. You’re covered in snow, why?” Dean pulled him inside and took off his coat and hoodie for him.

Cas knelt down to untie his shoes and felt the coldness settle into his bones now that the adrenaline had worn off. His teeth began to chatter just as Sam came around the corner.

“Cas!” He exclaimed rushing forward and grappling Cas into a strange hug that was mostly just Sam grabbing his head.

“Sam was worried too, I take it?” Cas asked with a small laugh.

Fifteen minutes later Cas, bundled up in a pair of Dean’s sweat pants and leather jacket, Dean, wearing a horrendous sweater that Sam got him for Christmas, and Sam, practically unidentifiable underneath all the scarves and jackets Dean had piled on him, were all perched on the roof of their house that Dean had shoveled off earlier that day.

“I’m glad you made it.” Dean whispered to Cas as the first couple bursts of light filled the air.

“I’m glad I’m here.” He replied.

“Why do they start so early?” Sam complained from the other side.

“They used to go on until one in the morning but the town complained that ‘it was too noisy’ so they moved it to before instead of after.” Cas explained. “But, don’t worry, these are paltry compared to the finale.”

The boys sat in relative silence watching as every few minutes another spark flew into the air. Finally a massive ten exploded in the air, then a nine and so on, until it reached one.

“Happy New Year!” All three boys yelled as one laughing themselves silly as they almost fall off the roof. More massive explosions light up the sky and then it’s over.

“Well,” Cas said with a small sigh, “that’s the end of the new year. Now we just have to wait it out until the next one.”

Sam yawned and Dean ushered him off the roof but, neither Dean nor Cas moved to do the same. A few minutes of content silence passed between them until Cas spoke again. “I only have one problem with fireworks.” He began, very low, so that Dean had to lean in closer to hear him. Cas turned to look at Dean before continuing, and realized they were much closer than he ever remembered being, but made no move to pull away. He couldn’t stop his eyes from flitting between Dean’s eyes and his lips. They were really very close to each other. “I never really liked the shade-” But Cas cut himself off, when he pressed his mouth to Dean’s.

And then their were more fireworks going off but, only in Cas’ chest and he thought that he could them in Dean’s too. And his lips were as soft as they looked and Cas found out that Dean’s hair was softer than it looked when he brought his hand up to cradle his head.

Dean’s hand moved to Cas waist and alternated between gripping him tight to rubbing soft circles into his skin. Dean hmm’d and turned his head a little bit more to the left. Cas flicked out his tongue and Dean eagerly opened his mouth to Cas’. Dean’s hand slipped under Cas’ shirt and traversed the skin underneath, going from pushing his hand almost completely up the shirt to skirting over the waistband of the sweatpants. A few moments later they broke apart for air, leaning into each other’s space and panting. Dean’s hand resting on Cas’ hip and Cas’ rubbing circles with his thumb just behind Dean’s ear.

“Dean.” He whispered with a grin into the cold night air. Dean responded with his own smile, sweet and simple that reached his eyes so perfectly.

Then, just below Dean’s hand, Cas’ phone buzzed with a text message.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't tell the days of the week apart. (I sincerely thought today was Saturday for some reason...) Ugh, anywhose sorry about that and we'll be meeting again in two weeks time. Have a great time!


	8. Sisters and Brothers and Fathers and Mothers

I felt as if I began to breath

But I was still under the water.

_-_ Emmanuel Allen, Excerpt from: _“A Conversation Between Two Lovers”_

_Poetry of Children_

-

Cas was talking about the color of fireworks, or something like that, and Dean really should have been paying attention, but the skin of Cas’ lips were so pink and chapped from the cold and that was a much more distracting topic. Dean leaned a little closer to Cas and thought, ‘ _maybe if I get closer I’ll be able to pay attention to-’_ but, Dean’s train off thought ground to a halt when Cas turned toward him, the words about fireworks dying on his lips. Cas leaned and Dean pressed his mouth against those pink chapped lips and it was everything he thought it would be and everything more.

Dean’s heart was beating as loud as a bass drum in his chest and he wouldn’t have been surprised if Cas pulled away to address the issue but, he didn’t. Instead Cas slid his hand up Dean’s arm to his head, cradling it and gently rubbing circles into his hair. Dean reached his hand out and gripped Cas waist, just above the waistband of his sweats. Cas’ skin seemed hot as hell beneath his hand, which Dean was sure was freezing cold. Dean pressed his hand into Cas’ hip to warm it up. It was only until after he turned his head and allowed Cas’ tongue in that Dean realized his hand had been inching up Cas’ shirt.

_‘Too much, too much.’_ Dean chastised himself, immediately running his hand back down the length of Cas’ side. He hit the waistband again and concentrated on that. _‘As long as feel the waistband I’m safe.’_ But soon, Dean felt the band slipping over Cas’ hips and that threw Dean for a second loop. Dean needed to breathe and get his bearing before he stripped Cas down right here on the roof. Dean pulled away at the same time that Cas did, they were both breathless and Cas grinned at Dean. Dean had witnessed some of the times that Cas had smiled at people, real and fake, and this one seemed too good, too perfect to really be real but, it was. The relief and happiness was apparent in Cas’ eyes and it only took Dean half a second to latch onto all of that and return the smile, not as broadly but just as sincere.

Cas was about to open his mouth, to say something, but a light buzz below Dean’s hand cut him. Panic filled his eyes but he didn’t look away from Dean, the two boys seemed to be frozen. It buzzed again and Dean realized what it was; a phone. But, not just any phone, it was Cas’ phone. Cas’ phone that Dean had been told had been stolen only a few hours earlier.

Dean reached down into the pocket of Cas’ sweats and pulled out the phone, sure enough it was the same black and silver, slightly chipped on the corner, phone that Cas had had since the day they met.

“Stolen?” was all Dean could muster up after a moment of staring at the offending piece of plastic in his hand.

“It wasn’t.” Cas said, regretfully, bringing his hand up to take it from Dean, who let it drop into his hand instead of letting Cas touch him.

“Weird thing to lie about,” Dean said, as he scooted toward the edge of the roof to where the ladder was leaning, “if you hadn’t wanted to talk to me you could have just said so.” Cas was silent and Dean turned around so he could start climbing down when he caught sight of Cas staring at his phone he had a stricken look on his face. Dean’s heart softened marginally and so did his voice when he spoke next. “Cas, what’s wrong?”

Cas looked up Dean and expression was so mournful and hurt. “I,” he swallowed, “I can’t go home tonight.” He turned back to his phone and began typing something, his hands were shaking. “I’ll need to find somewhere to stay.”

“Cas come down and come back inside.” Dean said and began to lower himself down the length of the ladder.

“Oh,” Cas said quietly, climbing down above Dean, “you’ll need your clothes back.”

Dean hit the ground and began walking toward the back door but, promptly turned around when he heard Cas step onto the ground behind him. “Cas?” He asked catching his wrists and causing Cas to look up from his feet. “Why did you lie?” He whispered, hoping Sam wasn’t eavesdropping.

Cas never left Dean’s eyes. “The reality of the situation seemed unbelievable and if you did believe it, it would have seemed too much to burden someone so important to me with.”

Dean pulled Cas closer and wrapped his arms around his shoulders, letting his head rest on Cas’ shoulder. “I thought that was reason people were important to others, so they can trust people with things that seem unbelievable.” Cas made a small noise of affirmation and rested his hands on Dean’s hips. A noiseless moment passed before Dean broke it. “Will you tell me?”

Cas tightened his hold on Dean’s hips for a fraction of a second before he replied. “Yes.” He stated simply letting his head dip to the spot where Dean’s neck and shoulders met. “But, I’ll have to do it on another day, when we have more time.”  Cas’ breath warmed Dean’s neck.

Dean smiled slightly, turning his head into Cas’ face and letting their lips brush, “We have all night and tomorrow.” Cas straightened up and looked Dean hope and relief filling his expression. Without speaking the two boys leaned in and kissed each other chastely.

“It’s strange, isn’t it?” Cas murmured against his lips, his voice warm and sweet. “That half an hour ago I couldn’t do this?” He pressed another kiss to Dean’s lips, it was longer this time and his grip on Dean’s hips tightened minutely.

Dean chuckled and leaned away. “I see your game.” He teased and he stepped away, putting his hands over Cas’ and releasing them from his hips. Dean brought Cas’ left hand to his lips and kissed it’s knuckles, and then dropped his hand expecting Cas to let his slide away, instead he slipped his fingers between Dean’s and stared down at their hands, interlocked.

“After I tell you truth, right?” Cas smiled weakly in the half light of the new year and Dean squeezed his hand.

“Maybe.” Dean answered, squeezing back.

-

Cas sat, cross legged, on the end of Dean’s bed, pulling at a loose string on his shirt. “I don’t think I know where to start He said finally, glancing up at Dean where he was leaning against his headboard. Cas looked down again and Dean could see the deep frown working over his face.

“You should just start at the beginning.” Dean said softly, he knew that this would be as hard for Cas to tell as it would be for Dean to hear.

Cas laughed a little bitterly and looked up at Dean without moving his head. “The beginning?” Cas considered this for a moment. “Dean, I don’t even know when the beginning was? You’re asking me when my entire life went to shit and all I can say is that I never realized it.” Cas seemed lost.

“Oh.” Dean murmured, for lack of a better thing to say. “Then tell me everything you want to.” He sighed. “Cas, I- I really like you and if you think there’s anything that you could do that would change that you’re wrong. I don’t really care that much that you lied; I just want to know why. Come here.” Dean opened his arms and Cas moved up the bed into them. Dean maneuvered them so that both boys were lying on the bed facing each other, Dean’s arms around Cas’ middle, Cas’ arms folded between them. “Just close your eyes and tell me what’s wrong.”

Cas closed his eyes and for a moment everything was silent. “My brother,” he said quietly, “he came back into to town, whether anyone wanted him to or not. Michael put us all on lockdown and forbid us from letting anyone come to the house.” Dean tightened his hold on Cas for a moment not saying anything. “And it was kind of okay-ish. I mean as okay as things like that can be but, that only lasted one day because then Zachariah finally came home.” Cas didn’t continue for a moment, he seemed to wiggle deeper into Dean’s hold, pressing his head into the space between Dean’s neck and shoulder.

Cas was so warm in Dean’s arms, hot really. Dean ignored the confused noise that Cas made and pulled him away from his body for a second and noted that his face was flushed. Dean unwrapped one of his arms and pressed the back of his hand to Cas’ forehead. “Cas, do you feel hot?”

Cas frowned. “No, Dean, I’m freezing, we were just outside.” Cas shivered minutely and tried to burrow back into Dean’s space but Dean sat up and pressed the back of his hand to Cas’ forehead again.

“Cas,” Dean sighed feeling the heat of his body again. “I think you’re sick.” He swung his legs off of the bed and moved to stand but, Cas caught his arm.

“Dean, just wait.” Cas murmured from the bed.  “Just let me finish the explanation and then-”

“I’ll be back in a second, I’m just getting some Advil from the medicine cabinet.” Dean said without turning to face him, Cas let his hand slip off of Dean’s arm.

“Oh.” Was Cas’ only response.

Dean turned around swiftly and pressed a kiss to Cas’ cheek. “I’ll be back in a second.” He said before standing and leaving. Cas sighed contentedly and Dean was back within half a minute with pills clutched in one hand and a glass of water in the other. “Here.” He said passing Cas the pills after he sat up in the bed. Cas popped them in his mouth and gratefully accepted the water downing it in two long gulps.

Dean was pulling back the covers so he and Cas could slip under them when Cas spoke again in a quiet tone. “Dean, you have to understand, Michael really is a good person and a good brother. He just shouldn’t have to be the one who takes care of us all the time and when Zachariah puts these ideas in his head he just,” Cas sighed again as Dean settled down next to Cas and wrapped his arms around him again, Cas fitted himself to Dean’s neck again. “He just get influenced by him so much, sometimes I feel like he can’t just think for himself when Zach’s around. It’s infuriating.” He finished, slightly muffled against Dean’s shoulder.

Dean pressed a kiss to his temple. “Cas, what happened when Zach came home?”

“He said we should let Lucifer come back.” Cas sounded utterly dejected but, Dean was hung up on one little detail.

“Luuuuucifer?” Dean asked, pushing himself away from Cas again to look at his face.

Cas slumped and pushed his head into Dean’s pillow. A moment later a muffled reply of “Yes, Lucifer.” was heard.

“Like, Lucifer?” Dean said after a moment of pondering this.

“The name Lucifer is like Lucifer, Dean.” Cas replied testily peaking his away from the pillow to glare at Dean.

“Lucifer.” Dean repeated finally. “Ok, Lucifer and Michael and Gabriel and Castiel and oh, wow, I see the theme now.” Dean said, realization apparent on his face. “Your parents were…” Dean trailed off.

“From what I can gather it was all my mother’s idea.” Cas said dryly. “But, my father decided to continue “the theme” when Anna was born by calling her Anael.”

Dean moved his arms back around Cas. “Okay, some parents make all their kids names start with E’s or K’s or whatever, yours went with angels.” He said, shifting his head so that Cas could fit his head back next to Dean’s. “Did, uh, Luci come back?”

“Zach contacted him but as of yet we haven’t heard anything. I’m worried he might try to move back in.”

Dean hmm’d and after a moment of silence spoke again. “So, why didn’t you text me back?”

“Up until about a half hour ago, I thought I was harboring completely unreciprocated feelings for you. Honestly, I have no idea what came over me that gave me enough courage to kiss you.” Cas laughed a little and Dean smiled with him. “I didn’t want to tell you what was going on because I didn’t want to scare you away. I know it was selfish and rude but I wanted to be able to come back here again and I didn’t think you would let me if…” Cas trailed off from his rambling.  “Much of the time I’d rather be here.”

Dean smiled softly even though Cas couldn’t see it. “I like having you here. And I understand.” Cas left a small kiss on Dean’s neck which made Dean smile wider until Cas kissed him again farther up the neck, Dean’s eyes had slid shut by the time he reached his jawline and began working his way over to his mouth. Cas kissed him with a hot intensity before breaking away from him and looking contrite.

“Oh, I’m sick, I shouldn’t-” He began but Dean cut him off with another kiss.

“What if I don’t care?” He asked nipping at Cas’ bottom lip, Dean pulled away and Cas tried to chase his lips but Dean was talking again. “How did you get out of Novak maximum security?”

Cas began to kiss him between words, keeping his eyes closed and each peck a little longer than the last. “Gabe” kiss “helped me out” kiss “in exchange for” kiss “helping him get out” kiss “later to see Kali.” He kissed him one last time and this time he flicked his tongue at the seam of Dean’s mouth, who opened it gladly. As they explored each other’s mouth for the second time that night, Cas let his hand wander down to Dean’s hip where he began to inch farther and farther back until he was cupping Dean’s ass, palming it softly.

Dean gasped a little and broke off the kiss. “Maybe we should, uh,” he panted as reached behind him and gripped Cas’ hand, “uh, just slow down.”

“I’m sorry.” Cas said quickly, retracting his hand back over to his side of the bed. “I’m sorry, I just thought, um, I don’t know. I’m sorry.” Cas disentangled his legs from Dean’s and pointedly looked anywhere but Dean’s face, embarrassment shading his face.

Dean sputtered for a second before pulling Cas back to him. “It’s not that I don’t _want_ to, I really do, it’s just I’ve never really, you know, and Sammy’s in the next room and, you know?”  Dean felt his face heating up before he uttered his next words. “I’ve never really been with a guy before, like, ever, you know, and I don’t know if you have but it’s kind of new territory and I don’t know if I’m ready to go that, uh, fast. Jeez, I sound like such a frickin’ girl.” Dean mentally hit himself for sounding like such an idiot. He wouldn’t have been too surprised if Cas had just walked out right then. Disappointed, yes but surprised? No.

But Cas didn’t walk out. Instead he wrapped his arms around Dean and pulled him closer. “I get it.” He murmured, letting their heads rest close to each other before closing his eyes.

Dean closed his eyes, too, before whispering to Cas. “Good night, Cas.”

“Good night, Dean.” Was the reply he heard before drifting off.

-

It was a shitty thing to do, even in Cas’ opinion and he was the one doing it. Cas slipped out of the front door of Dean’s house as the sun rose over the tree line. _‘I’ll text him later.’_ Cas thought checking the battery on his phone and seeing the meager 15% it held. _‘After I get back home and charge my phone.’_ Cas took up a jog and made it back to the trailer park with in a half an hour. He walked all the way to the bend before his house and shot a text to Gabe.

**Me:** Anyone up yet?

Cas peeked around a tree and could see the corner of the Lincoln from that vantage point but nothing else. His phone buzzed.

**Gabe:** no come to the window I’ll hoist you up.

Cas followed the footprints he’d made in the snow last night to the pile underneath their window. Gabriel slid open the window as he got near enough and stuck his arms out. “Come on, Romeo, I don’t have all morning.” Cas jumped up onto to the pile and gripped Gabe’s arms allowing himself to get yanked in. On the other side the two boys collapsed into a pile, Cas crushing Gabe. He groaned, “When did my little bouncing baby brother turn into such a heavy mess?”

Cas rolled off him and ignored the comment. “What happened last night, why couldn’t I come back then?” Gabe propped himself up and leaned against the pile of laundry in the corner.

“So eager to escape the arms of one Dean Winchester, were we lover-boy?” Gabe teased, earning a glare from Cas. Gabe sighed. “Zach-attack went on a rampage last night. He was mad about Luc, he’s not moving back in with the Brady Bunch by the way, he’s staying with friends a town over. We were up pretty late and I didn’t want to have to try and get you in during that fiasco.” Cas nodded but made no comment. “So,” Gabe said after a moment, “was it a home run or did you not even get up to bat?”

Cas gaped at him. “What Dean and I did or did not do is none of your business.” He replied, scandalized.

Gabe shot him a skeptical look. “Okay, you did do something but not _the something._ ” Cas flushed at that and Gabe ‘ah-ha’d’. “I was right. You got something, tell me everything, well, not _everything_. Spare the details, please?”

Cas flushed even deeper. “We kissed.” He muttered staring at his shoes. “And then he gave me some medicine because I got sick and we kissed some more.”

“You’re sick?” Gabe asked, concern apparent on his face. “Are you going to call out of work or go in anyway?”

“No, it was really a one off thing, the fever cleared up in the night. I’m fine now.” Cas pushed himself off the ground and went to his bed, rooting around for his phone charger underneath the clothes. “I think I should go to Dean’s after work.” Cas said, pointedly staring at his phone.

“I think that’s a good idea, I’ll head over to Kali’s tonight and we can tell Mike and Zach we’re camping or seeing a movie or some shit, you know.”

Cas glanced over at his big brother. “Thanks, Gabe.” He said quietly.

-

Dean was a few minutes early, well, maybe not a few maybe a half an hour early picking up Cas. So, sue him, he wants to see Cas in his working environment and any way Cas had told him time and time again that the last hour was the slowest, wandering around from unit to unit picking up carts. With any luck Dean could catch him and follow him around while he finished up. It wasn’t weird at all, okay?

At the instructions of another employee, that Cas could be found on the uppermost floor of the building Dean entered the stairwell and ran face first into Cas, who was entering the hallway from the other side of the door.

“Dean!” He blurted out. “Why are you here?”

Dean chuckled a little and stepped forward so the door could swing shut behind him, when the latch clicked into place Dean leaned forward and laid a kiss to Cas’ cheek. “Does a guy need an excuse to come see his boyfriend in his natural environment?” Then, upon realizing what he’d just said, Dean’s world stopped spinning, his heart stopped beating and his brain turned to mush. _‘Boyfriend? Really Dean, are that much of a sap? I mean Cas probably doesn’t even want, like, a real relationship. He just wants to mess around and here you are stalking him and telling him you’re his boyfriend! Jeez, Winchester.’_

But Dean’s thought process was cut when he saw the dreamy look on Cas’ face. “I like that; boyfriend.” Cas leaned forward and kissed his cheek.

Dean let out a huff of air and felt his cheeks heat up. “I like it, too.” He said simply. “I was going to text and tell you I was here but, I left my phone at home.”

“That’s fine.” Cas said with a smile and wrapped his arm around Dean’s waist and led him toward the door. “I just have one more cart to move and then I can clock out.” The cart was a quick move and they were gone within ten minutes. Dean and Cas were chattering away by the time they got back to Dean’s house.

“All I’m saying is; speak-and-spell? Probably demonic.” Dean joked but the laughter that came bubbling up died as they turned the corner to the living room where Sam stood staring at Dean’s phone. “Sammy, what’s up?”

Sam looked up at Dean his face a mixture of shock and anger. “I just got off the phone with Dad.” He said quietly.

“Oh, uh, did he get a hold of the satellite phone?” Dean asked, trying to look casual in that not casual at all way that people sometimes did.

Sam looked between the phone and Dean for a moment before he said, his voice low and dangerous. “When were you going to tell me Dad’s not a fisherman?”

“What?” Dean squeaked out.

“When I answered the phone,” Sam said holding the phone out like a piece of evidence, “he thought I was you. He started talking about all this shit like dead-end leads and compromised informants. What the hell does that mean, Dean?” Sam took a step forward and his voice raise with every word. “What does it mean?” He repeated, almost yelling now.

Dean turned his body toward as but kept his eyes to the ground. “Cas, I’m really sorry but, I think you should go.” Cas agreed and all but ran out of the house with a whispered ‘I’ll call you later’ thrown over his shoulder.

Dean turned back to Sam slowly. “How could you keep something like that from me?” Sam yelled, throwing the phone on the couch.

“I was just trying to keep you safe, like Dad told me to.” Dean said quietly.

Sam laughed loudly and manically. “Keep me safe from what? The freaking truth, Dean? How in any way shape or form could not telling me what our father is really doing when he drops us off in random town’s for a month or two keep me safe? You know if he really was worried about us being safe he wouldn’t drop us off at some stranger’s house for weeks on end while he’s off, doing god knows! If he really cared he’d leave us somewhere permanently and not let you fail every five seconds because he can’t keep us in one place!”

Dean gulped. “What are you talking about, Sam? This is permanent.” He finally looked up at Sam.

Sam pointed at the phone on the couch. “’Until the end of the school year, Dean.” He hissed. “That’s all we got, ‘til the end of the stinking school year and he’s uprooting us. Again.” Sam gave Dean a long look before pushing past him and storming into his room, slamming the door behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (dun dun dunnnnn)  
> PLEASE READ: At the end of this week I'm going on vacation to see my relations and I am all types of uncertain if the place were we will be staying for two weeks will have wifi. That unfortunately falls right over Chapter nine. So, if there is wifi this message is for naught and I'll post in two weeks BUT if there is none then two chapters after four weeks.  
> Anyway see you next time, folks. (Whenever that may be!)


	9. Miscalculations In Our Final Days

I went to the beach one day

And was loathe to find that anyone could compare.

The sea could never match in any way

The waves of your soul so fair.

_-_ Emmanuel Allen, Excerpt from: _“Your Eyes Are Not Green, They Are Galaxies”_

_Poetry of Children_

 

Cas hunkered down on the frozen park bench and opened up his phone, pausing over the screen before tapping the button on it.

**Calling… Dean W.**

“Hey, Cas.” Dean greeted him after picking up. His voice sounded rough and low but, still Cas could feel like he could breathe again.

“Hello, Dean.” The silence that met the two boys next was unbroken for a few moments before Cas spoke again, quieter this time. “Dean, what happened? Are you okay?”

“I just,” Dean cleared his throat but, it didn’t do much good. “I just fucked up, really badly. Sam is so fucking mad at me right now and I don’t know what to do.”

“Where you ever intending on telling him, um, whatever it is that your father really does?” Cas asked as he picked at the sleeve of his trench coat.

“Yes.” Dean answered quickly, almost angrily before sighing. “I mean, I think I was going to. Maybe, I would have waited until we were a lot older and he could, I don’t know, understand. I knew he’d be mad when he found out, I never thought it’d be this bad though.” Dean sighed again but, this time he sounded close to tears. “God damn it, Cas I just don’t fucking know what to do.”

“Dean, do you want me to come over?” Cas said calmly, fighting every nerve in his body that screamed _‘be there right now, screw what he says!’_

“Cas, I’m-” Dean choked a little. “You-” He stopped again and seemed to fight for steady breathe or a moment before slowing a whisper to slip out. “Please.”

Cas stayed on the line even as he jogged down the street even though neither of them spoke until Cas could see Dean’s house where he was standing on the porch, shivering in the cold air, puffs of white breathe trailing up underneath the street lamp. “Dean.” Cas breathed out, simultaneously speeding up and hanging up his phone. When he reached the porch Dean met him on the steps and threw his arms around his middle, burying his head in Cas’ neck. Cas wrapped around him immediately

“Cas.” He said after a moment with a faint sniffle. “Where did you go?”

“To the park.” Cas answered evenly. “Gabe told Zach we were going to be out all night, so if I went home without him now it would be suspicious.” Cas shrugged and Dean pulled away fixing him with a confused look.

“You’re a fucking angel. I kicked you out and you sat in the cold so your brother wouldn’t get in trouble?”

Cas just shrugged and wrapped his arms around Dean again, drawing him back in. “It doesn’t matter.” Cas said pressing his lips to Dean’s temple. “How long have you been outside?”

“Since you called.” Dean muttered simply and Cas moved them back into the house, only taking his arm off Dean to open the door. Once they were inside, however, Dean quickly changed his tune; he stared at Cas for a moment, with an almost pained look on his face, before he surged forward and pressed his mouth against Cas’. At first it was almost tender and sweet but Dean nipped at his bottom lip and it turned hungry. Dean pressed on Cas’ chest until he took a few steps back and hit the wall, Cas felt Dean’s hands begin to push his coat and his hoodie off his shoulders.

Cas broke away for a second and looked at Dean, his pupils were big and dark but they seemed unfocused. Dean quickly leaned back in to recapture Cas’ lips but Cas brought his arms up from Dean’s hips and tenderly cupped his face, their lips a hairs breadth away from touching. “Dean,” he whispered, “I want to do this. God, I do but, I don’t want to just be a distraction from what’s going on.” Cas pushed himself off the wall and Dean backed up into the middle of the hallway. The space between them seemed like a chasm.

“I’m sorry.” Dean replied simply, his eyes looked down the hall and then at is feet, avoiding Cas’ eyes.

Cas stepped up to him this time, taking face in his hands again. He kissed him chastely on the corner of his mouth. “Don’t be sorry, Dean.” Dean finally looked at him and let his hands snake to Cas’ hips.

“Are you still going to stay?” Dean asked, quietly.

“Of course.” Cas kissed him again, more firmly this time and broke away to lead Dean down the hall to his room. After a few moments of fumbling in the dark, both boys were stripped down to just their underwear and climbing into the bed on either side. Although it had seemed strange stripping down in the dark, not looking at each other and blushing at the sounds of the other’s rustling clothes as they hit the floor but, when they finally met in the middle of the bed, Cas automatically curling around Dean’s back, pressing kisses into his neck. Dean hummed sleepily in response.

“As much as I love this,” Cas murmured in between kisses “I still think you should at least talk to me about what happened after I left.”

Dean’s back stiffened for a second before he turned his head into the pillow. “Can we talk about it tomorrow?” Came the muffled reply.

“Okay.” Cas letting his body relax into Dean’s and sleep took a hold of him.

-

The sun peeked over the trees that lined the street and shot itself straight into Cas’ eyes. Cas groaned and turned his face into the warmth of the back of Dean’s neck, wrapping his arms tighter around his chest.

“Hhm, Cas.” Dean said sleepily. Cas didn’t respond, only kissing the back of Dean’s neck, content to just slip back into sleep. Dean slit one of his eyes open and peered over his shoulder at Cas, a small mischievous smile playing on his lips. “Cas.” He said again, wiggling his body against Cas’.

In the night Cas had slung his leg up over Dean’s hip and now that Dean wiggled again, more specifically wiggled his butt again, Cas could feel himself growing harder in his boxers. Cas ran his hand down the front of Dean’s chest and stomach until he reached the top of his waistband and his hand stilled. “Is this?” He asked, not finishing the question as his fingers curled slightly letting only his fingertip skim across the top of the hair growing just above Dean’s boxers.

Cas could feel the shiver that ran through Dean’s spine before he nodded his head eagerly. “Please.” Dean rasped. Cas obliged and finally slipped past the elastic band, gripping him tight, Dean was hot and heavy in his hand. He was rewarded with a deep groan and another very deliberate grind from Dean. It reminded Cas that his own cock was now rock hard and shoved up against Dean’s ass. Cas brought his hand up and thumbed the head of Dean’s cock while trying to wiggle his arm out from under Dean. “Cas, you gotta let me, ugh, you’ve-” Dean gasped as Cas began to move his fist faster. “Jeez, Cas,” Dean said as he pushed himself away from Cas and flipped over to face him. “You just have to let me touch you.” Dean groaned before diving back to Cas’ lips and yanking his boxer’s down his hips, letting his cock spring out, precome beading on the tip. Dean stilled and looked down, his eyes were wide and Cas couldn’t tell if it was excitement or apprehension.

Cas took Dean’s chin and guided his eyes back up to Cas’ face. “What’s wrong, Dean?” Cas asked, gently rubbing small circles just below his ear.

“I’ve never, uh, been with or, uh touched a, uh-”

“Another guy?” Cas asked and even as Dean nodded Cas could see the fear in his eyes. “We can take it slow. We don’t even have to do anything, I promise.” Cas could practically feel Dean’s muscles relax from the other side of the bed.

“I want to, you know, do something.” Dean said quietly, a light blush coloring his cheeks and highlighting his freckles. “But, slower does sound good right now.”

Cas smiled and leaned in slowly before capturing Dean’s lips in a slow sweet kiss. “That’s fine.” Cas whispered back, still smiling sweetly.

They kept kissing and Cas kept his hand on Dean’s waist slowly rubbing it up and down, minutely. Cas’ boxers were still pulled down over his thighs and Dean had quickly moved from running his nails over Cas’ back to palming his ass and digging his nails into the flesh slightly. “Cas.” Dean gasped breaking apart from the kiss. “You can, yeah, go for it.”

“Okay.” Cas slid his hand down stopped right before the base of his dick.

“Do it.” Dean hissed and Cas began jacking him again, slower than he had been earlier.

“Dean, I know we’re taking it slow but, you can touch me, too, you know.” Cas murmured. When Dean did and Cas let out a loud groan Dean ‘ssh’d’ him, much to Cas’ surprise.

“Sammy, he doesn’t know.” Dean panted. “We’ve got to be quiet, I’m sorry.” They licked into each other’s mouths again and continued pulling on each other.

In a matter of minutes their legs were tangled together and Cas was closing his hand around both of their dicks, rubbing the combined precome down the length of them. It was Dean’s turn to groan and Cas caught it, pressing his mouth against Dean’s and swirling their tongues together. “Shh,” he whispered teasingly as he broke away, “we’ve got to be quiet.” Dean gritted his teeth and took a breath when Cas gave a long pull on their dicks. “You close?” Cas whispered against his mouth.

Dean open his eyes and stared straight it Cas’ eyes before vigorously nodding his head.

Cas abandoned himself and concentrated solely on Dean, reaching his other hand down to massage his balls and jack Dean faster. “Come on,” Cas murmured in Dean’s ear, “please, come for me.” Dean bit his lip and whimpered right before come came spilling out over Cas’ hands and onto their chests.

“God, Cas.” Dean groaned. “That was amazing.” Dean kissed Cas again, as he reached out to grab Cas’ dick and gripped it, slowly jacking it. Cas came with a shudder but, Dean was the one that groaned into his mouth. “That was so hot.” Dean whispered letting his head flop down onto the pillow.

Cas just smiled as he watched Dean’s eyes slide shut and reached down to strip them both of their underwear, using them to clean up the mess on their chests and hands. “Dean, are you asleep?” Cas whispered after throwing the two pairs of boxers on the ground.

“Yeah.” Dean said softly.

“Okay.” Cas said, wrapping his arms around Dean once again and settled next to him on the pillow, pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth.

-

Cas woke up on his back, blanketed by Dean’s naked form. “Dean,” Cas grunted, gently prodding him in the side. “I can’t breathe with you crushing my lungs like this.”

Without opening his eyes or giving any indication that he was conscious, rolled off Cas and tucked himself into his side. “How am I supposed to carry out my assassination plot if you keep waking up in the middle of it?” Dean asked sleepily with a small smile on his face.

“You’ll just have to be more stealth about it.” Cas replied wrapping arm tighter around Dean’s shoulders.

“What time is it?” Dean asked, as Cas tried to peek over Dean’s shoulder at the alarm clock on his bedside table.

“A little after twelve.” Cas murmured trying to curl into Dean again and fall back asleep but, Dean was already scrambling out of bed.

“Jesus fuck!” Dean exclaimed falling out of bed while simultaneously trying to pulling on the pair of jeans he had been wearing the night before. “Christ, Cas, I’ve got to go. Sam’s got a dentist’s appointment at one. Fuck.” Dean said as he stumbled out the door while trying to button up his shirt as well. Cas sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes and began to contemplate whether or not Dean would mine if he borrowed a pair of underwear when Dean padded back in looking dumbfounded and holding a yellow post-it note in his hand. “Dean, I got the next door neighbor to give me a ride and I will walk back. I would have taken the bus but Dad was a little short this month, we’ll talk when I get back. –Sam”

Dean and Cas sat in silence for a moment. “I’ll go.” Cas said quietly, standing and wrapping Dean’s sheet around his middle. “You should go pick him up.” Cas crossed the room and kissed Dean on the mouth.

Dean let the post-it note slip from his hand in favor of cupping Cas’ face. “You can borrow some clothes if you want and I’ll text you later.”

-

“It’s funny,” Zachariah said as if were talking about something gross he’d stepped in, “at this point both of your insubordination shouldn’t really be a surprise at this point.” He leaned himself down on the dining room table so that he was eye level with Gabriel and Castiel. “What do you have to say for yourself?”

Gabe opened his mouth to speak first but snapped it shut when Cas spoke quickly. “It was my idea.” He blurted out. “I wanted to go and-”

“Yeah, see the movie; I’ve heard your lies.” Zachariah sneered.

Cas stood up abruptly, almost knocking over the chair he’d been sitting in. “No, we didn’t see the movie, okay? We lied about that but I needed to get out of here and away from you.” He snapped. It was really only a half-truth. “I made Gabriel take-”

“You can’t make Gabriel _do_ anything.” Zachariah spit.

“While that is true Zach,” Gabe said standing calmly and pulling Cas away from where Zachariah was leaning over the table to get into Cas’ face, “I did take Cas out and we hung out at my friend’s house, we both really needed a break from work and a break from this house.” Gabe said with an air of finality as he pulled Cas about face and pushed him down the hallway.

When Cas reached the door to their room he turned around to see Zachariah red faced and shaking. “I have told you time and time again to not call me that. I am your uncle Zachariah and you will address me as such.”

Cas could see the nonchalance rolling off of Gabe in waves. “Got’cha, Zach.” In a matter of seconds Gabriel was behind him pushing him into the room and locking the door behind him. From out in the kitchen the brothers heard Zachariah give an undignified squeak and Gabe threw Cas an amused look over his shoulder. “I think I just ruined any chance of us leaving this house. Sorry, Cas.”

Cas grinned and chuckled. “Don’t worry, it’s not like either of us need our paychecks.” He joked.

-

Monday passed easily, with the few exceptions of Dean and Cas tip-toeing around each other in the hallways. They had both agreed, in some late night texts, the night before that they wouldn’t tell anyone about them. Cas being worried about if anyone in his family, other than Gabriel, found and Dean not really sure about how Sam would react. Although, practically all day long, Cas had tried to tell Dean that he would most likely accept him.

**Me:** I’m sure he’ll be fine with it

**Dean W:** idk man im just not sure how he will see it, he’s more like my dad than he thinks

**Dean W:** and /I know/ how my dad feels about stuff like this

Cas sighed and shoved the phone back into his pocket before exiting the bathroom and returning to class. It was the last ten minutes of French, his second to last period of the day. He’d just have to get through English and he’d been able to go home with Dean and finally touch him. That is if Sam wasn’t home. “Why does everything have to be so complicated?” Cas sighed as he opened the door to the classroom and the bell rang, signaling the end of the period.

Cas doodle in his notebook until the end of class. As the final bell rang and as everyone was getting up and out of the class, Mr. Shurley called out to Castiel.

“I wanted to show you something.” He said as Cas got closer to his desk. Mr. Shurley pulled out a magazine and flipped it open to a page in the middle. It was a registration form on one side and the opposite was a picture of a teenage girl looking thoughtfully at her laptop as random words flowed out of it.

“What is it?” Cas said, hoping he could get this conversation over with soon so he could go meet Dean in the parking lot.

“It’s a contest for juniors and seniors, a poetry writing contest.” Shurley said pushing the magazine in his hands. When Cas gave no visible reaction to it, Shurley sighed. “Cas you should enter.” He explained after a moment. “The girl who won a few years ago got a lot published and-”

“The prize is what?” Cas asked, incredulously as he peered closer at the ad. “5,000 dollars?”

“ _And_ a chance to have your work published in the magazine, the rules are all right there.” Shurley said pointing to some fine print on the bottom of the page.

Cas finally tore his eyes away from the fine print long enough to look at his teacher. “Mr. Shurley, I really have to get going but, can I take this with me? So I can think about it.”

“Yes, of course, I’ll see you tomorrow Cas.” He said to Cas’ retreating form.

Dean was waiting for Cas, whose head was still buried in the magazine, in the parking lot. “What’cha got there Cas?” Dean asked as they slid into the car and drove down the road toward the middle school. Cas explained what it was and finished only after the now ever silent Sam slid into backseat.

“That’s a really good idea Cas. I think you should do it.” Dean said as he pulled out of the parking lot filled with minivans and parents ushering there kids around.

Cas’ head snapped up. “I mean kids from all over the country enter the competition, I probably won’t even-”

“Well I think you’re better than all of them.” Dean said as he glanced over at Cas, gracing him with a warm smile. A moment passed between the two of them that was broken when Dean had to look back at the road. “How was your day, Sammy?” He said after a second of silence.

Sam only responded with a huff and a pointed stair out the window.

-

The end of the year got closer and closer and soon finals were looming over the heads of the students at Fitchburg High. Cas had just submitted the poem for the contest the week before, with the anxiety of creating an award winning poem off of his shoulders he could  concentrate on the equally anxiety inducing task of studying for finals.

“I don’t even get why you’re studying.” Dean griped one afternoon as they poured over science textbooks and French flash cards. “You got such good grades, you could probably get a thirty on all your finals and still pass with honors.”

Cas looked up from a conjugation chart and looked at Dean closely. “What’s been up with you lately?” Cas asked. “For the past month or so, you’ve barely put any effort into your work and you act moody and weird whenever we study. Are you okay, Dean?”

Dean pushed the book of Cas’ lap and leaned closer. “God, Cas.” He sighed, trying to push their lips together.

Cas pushed Dean off him. “Dean! This happens every time I try to talk to about this shit. Two weeks ago Mr. Shurley asked me if I was still tutoring you, why the hell would he ask me that?” Dean stood up in a frustrated huff.

“It doesn’t matter, Cas!” He exclaimed after pacing his room. “It doesn’t fucking matter what my grades are, okay? Now will you just get up here and let me kiss you?” Cas stared up at Dean while he grew more frantic but, there was a scared look in his eyes. “Please?” He asked again.

Finally, Cas stood and took Dean’s hands in his own. “Don’t be so scared, Dean. Everything will be fine.” Cas leaned forward and pressed a chaste kiss to Dean’s mouth. “We can stop studying for tonight, okay?”

Dean’s hand shook a little bit before he answered. “That sounds good.” He said weakly, laying another kiss on Cas’ mouth. “What time is it?” He whispered after a moment.

“Almost five, why?” Cas answered between kisses.

Dean immediately broke away. “You should actually go right now.” Dean said, a gruff tone now over-taking any softness he’d had in his voice before.

“Okay.” Cas said slowly, gathering up his things into his backpack. “I’ll come by tomorrow, okay?” He said as they made their way to the front door. When Dean’s only response was to open the door and stand of to the side of it, Cas moved his head to meet Dean’s lips for a goodbye kiss but Dean recoiled, harshly.

“You should leave.” Dean said quietly. Cas stood in the doorway too shocked to move. “When you come by tomorrow, don’t knock just walk in and come straight to my bed room, okay?” Dean whispered.

“Okay.” Cas replied, feeling a growing pit in his stomach that didn’t subside even when the new day dawned and Cas found himself in front of Dean’s house again.

“Don’t knock.” Cas reminded himself as he headed up the porch and through the door. The house seemed larger and more silent as Cas went to the back hall and pushed open Dean’s door to find it empty. The pit in his stomach grew into full blown dread as Cas took in the stripped bed frame and empty drawers of Dean’s room. The closet, however, stood ajar and inside hung Dean’s leather jacket. Cas crossed the room and ripped it from the hanger it was on and held it close to his chest as he searched the rest of the house. Every room as vacant as Dean’s.

Cas felt something bump against his thigh as he moved back into the living room. It was something inside Dean’s pocket. Cas fished it out and revealed it to be Dean’s cell phone. Cas turned it over and turned it on, revealing that that the memory of the phone had been wiped, no more contacts, no pictures, no more texts. Cas checked all the other pockets, the only other thing he found was Sam’s phone but it was in the same condition as Dean’s. There was nothing in this house, well, the only thing purposely left in this house was clutched tightly in Cas’ hands.

The balloon of dread and foreboding in his gut had popped, leaving Cas in an empty house with an empty mind.

Cas stumbled out into the noon day sun just as a beige car pulled up to the curb and a man got out yanking something from his backseat and marching up Dean’s front lawn with it. As the man got closer, Cas could see that it was a sign.

“What happened to the people who live here?” Cas croaked, alerting the man to his presence.

The man jumped as he turned around seemed visibly shocked to see Castiel standing there. “Oh, uh, they moved out, I suppose. The man who rents this place out called me a few weeks ago and told me to put this sign back up today.”

“Why today?” Cas asked.

“Said the family that lived here would be moved out by today, why? Did they leave a big mess?” The man groaned and turned back to hammer the sign into the ground.

“No, it’s spotless.” Cas finally answered and moved away from the realtor and back to his car. The jacket sat on his lap the whole ride home. Cas walked into his room where his brother laid sprawled out on the top bunk, his brain still functioning on autopilot.

“What cracking, Captain Crunch?” Gabe said launching himself off of the top bunk with a thud.

Cas, however, didn’t respond and plunked himself down on the bottom bunk, concentrating on the serious task of chewing off a sliver of his thumbnail. The other hand clutching the jacket in his lap.

Gabe sat down next to him with a heavy sigh. “What’s eating you, lil’ bro?” Cas moved on to his middle finger in response. Gabe stared down at his own hands and concentrated on their lines. “You know, when you were a little kid you, uh, never really spoke to me much, or anyone for that matter. And it took me a while to realize that mom was really the only one you ever spoke to and after she left you didn’t really have anybody. Sometimes, I felt like I wouldn’t hear you speak for weeks at a time after we moved from Terrance Ave.” Gabe stole a glance over at Cas to see that he’d stopped biting his nails and was now staring at the floor. “It was really cool that you stood up for me, and you, _that you stood up for us_ , out there. Usually when someone yells at you, you clam up and you don’t talk about.” Gabe sighed and ran his hand through his hair as he searched for the right words. “I just, I don’t like it when you’re quiet because it means you think you can’t talk about something, that you have no one to go to. That sucks. You think you’re alone but you’re not.”

Cas looked up at Gabe and shot him a quick, half-hearted smile. “I guess I’m just really tired right now.” He said finally, moving to kick off his shoes and discard his hoodie.

Gabe stood up and didn’t mention that it was only two in the afternoon or that neither of them had had lunch or dinner yet. Gabe clapped Cas on the shoulders as he shot him another weak smile and slipped under his covers, still mostly dressed. Gabe cleared his throat. “Tomorrow is Monday so you have school and work so, uh, rest up kid. I know how exhausting those finals can be.” Gabe hit the overhead light and pulled himself into the top bunk where he stayed for the rest of the day with Cas just below him not moving or sleeping or anything, just curled up around the leather jacket, breathing.

-

The next morning when Cas pulled himself out of bed at a ridiculously early hour and shook Gabe awake, complaining quietly that he need something to eat Gabe knew that whatever had been bothering Cas the night before had not been solved by a night’s (and afternoon’s) rest. The two brothers dragged themselves out to the kitchen were Gabe started the coffee and Cas pulled the eggs out of the refrigerator. “No, go sit down.” Gabe murmured and pulled them from his hands. Cas let them be taken and sat down at the table staring out the window as the sunrise.

After a few minutes Gabe put a plate of eggs and a cup of coffee down in front of him and seated himself across from Cas. “I used to watch the sun set from my old bedroom.” Cas said simply, not even looking Gabe, who remained quiet. “I used to say goodnight to it.” Cas said, taking a large drink from his black coffee.

Gabe looked up from his own eggs with a perplexed look on his face. “Hey, Cas?” He asked quietly into the growing light. “Do you ever think that it’s time to give up the ghost? You know, about everything.”

Cas’ eyes shifted to the Lincoln that sat in the dirt driveway next to Michael’s car. “Sometimes.” He answered, turning back to Gabriel and raising his eyebrows questioningly, then the two exchanged a knowing look.

The summer passed slowly, like molasses dripping off of a spoon, and by the end of it the money Gabe had been saving and the prize money from contest went toward a newer car that had been sitting by the road on the way to work for the tail end of the summer. It was a dark blue car that was about ten years old and the back seat had some questionable stains but it ran well enough.

Cas was the one who drove the Lincoln to the abandoned brick yard outside of town, without a word Gabe got out of the driver’s seat of the new car and handed him the baseball bat that had been sitting in the passenger seat. The first and second blows landed on the hood of the car leaving an impressive dent, the third went through the front windshield. Without a word Cas handed the bat over, Gabe went after the driver’s side door, hitting it again and again until it was crumpled and the glass was shattered. The two brothers went on through the day, beating the car until it was undrivable.

Cas dropped the bat to the ground and backed up until he was standing next to Gabe. He inhaled, his breath was shaky. “Dean’s gone, Gabe.” He said after a moment of silence, he voice only cracking a little bit.

Gabriel turned to him with a confused look on his face. “What?” He whispered.

The light was fading fast but when Cas finally looked at him, Gabe could see the unshed tears in his eyes. “A few weeks before the end of the school year he disappeared, his house went back on the market and he was gone.” Gabe could see a tear or two start to make paths down his cheeks and he could only respond with a strange, horrified noise from the back of his throat. “Their cell phones got left behind and-” Cas’ breathe became more uneven to the point where he couldn’t get any words out.

“That leather jacket.” Gabe finished for him finally understanding. “I thought you two broke up but, that didn’t really seem right to me.” He said quietly turning back to the car. They stood in the fading light for another few moments of silence. “Where do you want to go?” Gabe asked in a hushed tone.

“Anywhere but here.” Cas answered evenly, his eyes and cheeks now dry.

-

The next morning Cas yawned and tried to stretch in the small cramped space as the sun peeked over the horizon. He looked around the parking lot of the rest stop they’d stopped in the night before, at the other cars but his eyes were too tired to make out any of the license plates. “Gabe,” he whispered to his equally squished brother in the driver’s seat, “what state is this?”

Gabe groaned and yawned as he turned over in seat, away from Castiel and the sunrise. “Virginia.” He replied through a yawn. “You hate the winter, so I figured the south was a safe bet.”

Cas nodded in agreement even though he couldn’t see him. “Cool, thanks, do you want me to drive for a bit?”

“Yeah, sure.” Within minutes Cas and Gabe were on the road again, heading south, Gabriel dozing in the passenger seat.


	10. The Place We Need To Be

IT is the morning after  
The repressive smell of leather  
The suffocating memory  
Of your lips forming the words  
To the songs you taught me

A day of Nothing

IT passes I forget your laughter  
Nothing brings out the coat in bad weather  
Nothing brings me to a state of reverie  
Nothing always moving towards  
I go to the ocean Nothing is what I see

I patiently wait to see something.

days of nothing came  
days of nothing move past  
days of nothing stayed  
they're the only thing that last

 _-_ Emmanuel Allen, _“Nothing Days”_

_Poetry of Children_

-

“It’s not fucking fair! Tell us where you’re taking us!” Sam’s words rang in the too small space of the car. Dean winced from the seat next to him and John Winchester practically growled from the front seat.

“Watch your language, young man, and no, it’s not fair but you want to know something it’s not your decision and it’s not your responsibility.” He said lowly.

Dean shifted in the backseat, his legs were too long and his shoulders too broad for the backseat with his screaming little brother. His equipment took up to much space on his body.

The movements made John shoot Dean a seething look from the rear view mirror. “How could you do this, Dean?” Dean saw his father’s knuckles on the steering wheel grow tighter and whiter with each passing moment. “How you could do this, Dean?” He was screaming now and his voice was higher. “How could you do this, Dean?” He wasn’t speaking English and he wasn’t his father anymore. The air around Dean became disgustingly hot and it flooded his lungs, the earth shifted beneath his feet and he fell to the ground when his left leg went numb with pain. That woman was still screaming at him.

Dean clapped his hands over his ears and put his head to the ground. “I’m sorry.” He shouted back at her over the endless barrage of noises. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Maybe if he yelled it enough the noise would stop. That’s all he wanted was a moment without the noises. “I’m sorry.” He yelled one last time but this time the noises did stop. Dean opened his eyes slowly and found himself standing in the front hall of a house. All Dean could hear was his own ragged breathing.

“Dean, are you back already?” He heard a soft voice calling to him from in the house. He walked forward a few steps and instinctively turned right into the living room where a boy with dark hair turned on the couch so he could see over the back end of it. “Dean, come here.” He said quietly. Dean went around the couch and sat next to the boy who scooted closer to him until from their shoulders to their knees where pressed together.

Dean stared down where the boy, who hadn’t taken his blue, blue eyes off him yet, intertwined their fingers. “I’m sorry.” Was all Dean could whisper as he rubbed his callous fingers over the back of the boy’s hand.

“Dean.” The boy whispered back as he leaned his face closer to Dean’s.

“I’m sorry, Cas.” Dean said his throat jamming up with a familiar tightness.

He smiled sweetly and leaned in until their lips were a hair’s breadth apart. “Wake up, Dean. It’s okay, wake up.”

Dean felt his eyes slide close as he felt his hand come up and cradle his face and he tried one more time. “I’m so sorry, Cas.”

“Dean!” Sam said a little louder, shaking his shoulder. Dean gasped as if he was coming up from the water and his eyes shot open. He pushed Sam away from where he was hovering over him in the dark.

“Jeez, Sammy, give me some space will ya?” Dean muttered as he sat up on the couch. Dean rubbed his eyes and looked over at his, very much an adult but still puppy-eyed and floppy-haired, little brother in the half light of their living room; he was crouched next to the couch looking concerned. “What?” Dean snapped.

“Dean, you were yelling in your sleep, again.” Sam said standing up slowly, picking up a book that had fallen next to the couch. “Your dreams get worse and worse the less you sleep and-”

“Look Sam, I don’t need all that psychiatrist bullshit from you. I’m freaking fine, okay?” Dean said finally noticing the book in Sam’s hand and snatching it from him.

“Dean, you’re not fine.” Sam said angrily. “You need to get more sleep; you’re running yourself ragged working two jobs.” Sam paused as if evaluating his next words. “And you need to deal with your shit.” Sam said quietly. “I think going back to therapy would be the best thing for you right now.”

Dean groaned slightly as he swung his legs off the couch. “Sam, you’re an adult now, I didn’t think I’d have to be the one to tell you that money doesn’t grow on trees.” Sam opened his mouth to speak but Dean kept on talking as he stood up and shook the tightness out of his left leg and walked toward the kitchen. “And I also didn’t think I’d have to be the one to tell you that therapy costs money, more money than those books of yours and more money than I make, okay?” Dean didn’t mean it like that, Sam knew it just as much as he did but, it was still effective in shutting Sam up on the matter.

“Well, maybe if you didn’t spend all night reading this book over and over you would get better sleep.” Sam said picking up the book off the couch that Dean had snatched from him earlier and studying the gray and black cover. “It’s funny,” he murmured, “I never really thought of you as a poetry lover.”

“I don’t ‘love poetry’.” Dean said harshly exiting the kitchen with a glass of water. “I just like that book, okay?”

Sam hummed in acknowledgement and handed it back. “You know I think Jess said something like he’s coming out with another book.” He said, yawning and starting to walk back to his room. “I don’t know, I think she saw it on his website.”

“He has a website?” Dean asked, feigning disinterest but, knowing that Sam could see through it in an instant.

“Yeah, it’s just his name .com, or something like that.” Sam said through a yawn. “Good night, Dean.”

“Thanks, Sam, good night.” Dean said not looking up as Sam shut his door. He thumbed the well-worn edges of the cover of the book, on it a little gray child sat staring up into the night sky, where “Poetry of Children” was printed, obscuring some of the stars, underneath the child, printed smaller and in black it read: Poetry by: Emmanuel Allen.

-

Cas felt a pressure settle down on his stomach and he let his hand drift down to pet the short hair of the cat sprawled over him.

“You know she’s only doing that because she wants treats, right?” He heard Gabe say from the doorway. Cas just smiled without opening his eyes and continued to pet the cat until it began to purr, the soft rumble sending warm heavy feelings to his limbs.

“Don’t care.” He mumbled feeling himself begin to drift off again. “Flattery will get her everywhere.” Cas said through a yawn.

“No,” Gabe almost whined, “it’s, like, almost two in the afternoon and you’ve been sleeping since before I left for work this last night.” Gabe said striding across the room and slapping him on the thigh, causing the cat to jump up and run away.

Cas finally opened his eyes and glared at Gabe. “Don’t scare off Skooma like that you ass.” Although he was still glaring at Gabe he scooted over on his bed to make room for him. “How is the pediatric ward doing?” He asked in a mockingly conversational tone.

Gabe got comfortable on top of the covers and scoffed, picking at the hem of his scrubs. “Never been more depressing, nightmares and the such.” He mumbled with a shrug. “How’s the sleeping all day thing going?”

“I did not sleep all day, I slept in there is a difference.” Cas huffed.

Gabe shrugged again, clearly ignoring the fine line between the two acts and swept his eyes around the room, taking in the overused scratching post in the corner, which Skooma was currently clawing while staring directly at Gabe with a murderous look in her eyes. “I don’t know why you keep that thing in here.” Muttered Gabe shifting himself lower on the bed.

“Her scratching post?” Cas asked absently, patting the bed to coax the cat in question back to the bed.

“No, her.”

Cas took a moment from hitting the bed to hit Gabe on the arm only then did the cat start to pad back over to the boys. “She always walks on her tip-toes. It’s weird, Cas, cats don’t do that.” Gabe whined.

“Skooma has always done that, she has small paws.” As Skooma made herself comfortable on Cas’ lap, Cas shot Gabe a glance. “Get over your strange fear of my cat or, get out of my bedroom.”

“It is not a fear,” Gabe said as he swung his legs off the bed and stood up, “it is self preservation. She doesn’t like me and I’m trying to keep her at a distance before she can do some damage.” Gabe straightened out his scrubs before he glanced back down at his little brother. Cas was emptily staring at the cat in his lap, petting her absently. It sent a strange shiver down his spine. He reached forward and hit Cas’ leg, causing Skooma to jump up again. Cas didn’t say anything only gave Gabe a small glare and then began to move himself back underneath his covers. “No, come on. I’m taking you out to lunch or something.” Gabe said dragging him back out by shoulder.

“Can’t we just stay in?” Gabe sighed and glared down at Cas before directing his gaze to the ratty t-shirt that hung off Cas’ shoulders

“We’re going out to eat and you need a shower or something. Not in that order.”

A half an hour later Cas sat in the passenger seat of Gabe’s car staring out the window as his hair dripped lightly on to the decidedly less dirty shirt. “So, how’s the writing going?” Gabe said after a moment of silence that wrapped itself around the car.

Cas shrugged and glanced over at him. “Lately, I haven’t been doing a whole lot of that.” Cas admitted after a moment. “There’s just not a lot to write about.”

Gabe laughed, shot a look over at his brother and realized he wasn’t kidding around. “What do you mean ‘not a lot to write about’? Cassie there is a whole world out there and you’re saying that you can’t find a single thing to write?”

Cas huffed and muttered “I did write something last night, I couldn’t sleep, if you must know.”

“Well, come on, can’t I hear it?” Gabe said after a beat of silence. Cas took out his phone and began scrolling through it furiously. Without preamble he began to read:

“the aroma of flowers  
wrinkling, dying within hours  
rosy soft cheek  
glassy eyes spill over and leak  
lace so easily ripped  
frail white porcelain chipped

the china doll stained  
the crowds have been entertained”

After he was done he shot a look over at Gabe’s face which was resolutely glued to the road. “That’s, uh, kind of dark, baby bro.”

“I know, it’s just the first thing that I’ve written in a week and Naomi was asking me about ‘the progress on the book’ and I panicked.” Cas said stuffing the phone back into his pocket.

“What did you tell her?” Gabe asked, gripping his wheel a little too tightly as he pulled into the parking lot of a diner.

“I have may insinuated that I was really racing through my writing.” Cas said under his breath as he quickly unbuckled his seat belt and slipped out of the car.

Gabe scrambled out after him. “No,” He whispered, horrified, when he caught sight of Cas’ sheepish face over the car, “you didn’t.”

Cas nodded and looked a little sick when he looked up at the faux retro façade of the diner they were parked out front of. “She may have insinuated that she wants a copy of the work I have so far by next week.”

Gabe gaped at him before running his hand over his face and doing a turn in the parking lot. “Cas, what the hell?”

“I didn’t want to tell her I have three unedited poems and a word document filled with nonsense words!” He said, his voice rising just slightly.

Gabe sighed and looked at his brother for a moment before moving to the door of the restaurant. “We’ll talk about this after we get some food in us, okay?”

Cas’ hands flopped down to his sides dejectedly. “Fine.” Cas muttered, following him.

-

Dean straightened up from underneath the hood of the car he was under and felt his back pop. “Jeez.” He said as he exhaled deeply, rolling his shoulders and hearing them pop as well. He grabbed the rag he’d slung over his shoulder and wiped his hands as he made his way back over to the office. Inside a woman wringing her hands and staring at the floor, jumped up as soon as he entered. “It’s your serpentine belt, completely shredded, they go really fast if you put a lot of wear and tear on it.” He explained.

“Yeah, I drove through Quebec and Ontario and now most of Maine to get stuck in this tiny town, if that’s what one would call wear and tear.” She said with an exasperated sigh.

Dean let out a low whistle. “Definitely, how long have you owned this car?”

“Five years, give or take.” She ran her hands through her hair and let the tie that held in her curls come off in her fingers. “It figures that I am five hours away from my destination and finally she shits out on me.”

Dean grinned and turned to Jo who sat behind the desk fiddling with a pen, acting like she wasn’t listening. “Jo,” She perked up, too quickly, “when’s my next appointment?”

“In a half hour but, that half hour is your lunch break, Dean.” Jo said with a sad smile. Dean opened his mouth to reply but Jo cut him off. “And I know for sure that a serpentine belt takes longer than a half an hour to replace.” Dean shot her a murderous look. “Ned isn’t scheduled for another hour and a half, which should be enough time.” She smiled sweetly at the woman before picking up the phone and calling him into the office.

A few minutes later, after Ned had taken over and the woman had stepped outside for some air, Dean leaned over the counter and fixed Jo with an annoyed glare. “Harvelle, you know damn well I could have replaced that belt with my eyes closed in half an hour, what the hell did you do that for?” He hissed.

Jo didn’t back down, however. “You know full well that my mom wanted to talk to you on your lunch break. I know doing a favor for a pretty girl was just a plus to getting out of talking to her.” She snapped and then pointed toward the door. “You better march yourself down to The Roadhouse right now, young man.”

Dean leaned away from her and chuckled. “First of all, don’t call me ‘young man’, you’re still in high school, second, don’t use the ‘mom’ voice it’s weird.” He pointed at her and backed out of the office still pointing at her until he was out of sight of the window.

Down the road Dean pushed into the door of The Roadhouse, inside it was fairly well lit but relatively empty. Behind the counter Ellen Harvelle, was standing, looking into the kitchen and repeating something to the cook from over the phone. Dean made all the way up to the bar and sat down before she hung up and turned around. “Speak of the devil, that was Jo telling me all about how you were trying to get out coming to see me.”

Dean groaned and laid his head on the bar. “Miss Ellen, come on!”

“And I’m sure you know why I wanted to talk to you.” Dean groaned again an Ellen continued on. “Sam called me this morning. He told me about last night.”

Dean’s head snapped up and he fixed with an opened mouth stare. “Miss Ellen, we’ve had this conversation before, I can’t go to therapy, I don’t have the time or the money.”

Ellen fixed him with a hard glare and only stopped to turn around and grab a burger and fries from the cook’s window. “Dean Winchester, you’ve been saying that for the last five years and you’ll be saying it for five more.” She laid the order down in front of him and waited until he dug in to continue in softer tone. “Dean, I’ve know you for going on ten years now, I know you just want to take care of your brother and you don’t think you need help but, me and Jo and Bobby are all here for you.”

“I’m twenty-seven years old, Miss Ellen. I know you still think of me as that punk teenager who got dropped off at your house one night but, seriously I can take care of myself. Jobs and sleeping and Sam and all.” Dean put down the half eaten burger and crossed his arms.

“You’re taking tonight off, boy.”

“Miss Ellen, I need the money!” Dean said gripping the bar top.

“You look like you’re about to fall over from exhaustion. I don’t need that in my bar, go home get a good night’s sleep tonight.” She glanced at the clock on the wall. “Your break is almost over, take that burger with you.”

“I’m not that hungry.” Dean pushed away from the bar and stalked toward the door.

“And talk to your brother tonight, he’s got something to tell you.” She called after him. If he heard her he gave no indication.

-

“Maybe, you just need to travel some. Get some experiences to write about.” Gabriel said around a mouthful of strawberry and caramel covered pancakes.

Cas sighed and glanced down at his loaded omelet before taking another bite. “I don’t know.” He said slowly, after chewing and swallowing carefully. “What if Naomi thinks I’m running away from her.

Gabe groaned. “Cas, come on, that’s a lame excuse. She knows and you know that you can write and send stuff on the road. How about you head up north, I know you haven’t seen the snow in like ten years.”

Cas nodded slowly. “You’re right. I used to think I hated it but, now I feel like South Carolina is too hot, it’s making me sick.” He grimaced as someone walked by wearing shorts and a t-shirt. “It should be colder, the leaves should be changing color, all this heat is too unnatural.” He paused to take a drink of his water before continuing. “I could stay up there for a while.” He mused.

“You gonna go back to Mass. or what?” Gabe said before digging in again, glad to hear his brother talking about something other than the fact that he can’t write.

“No, I think I’ll go farther, to Maine, somewhere nice and really woodsy.” Cas smiled for the first time in what seemed like ages.

“God, I knew there was a little hipster hiding in you somewhere.” Gabe said with a smirk and Cas laughed, full belly laughed.

He ended with a warm smile on his face. “Thank you, Gabe.”

-

“Sam, you home yet?” Dean called as he entered the matchbox apartment and kicked off his shoes. Sam came out of his bedroom, the only bedroom in the place, looking confused.

“What do you need, Dean? I thought you were working at The Roadhouse tonight.”

“Miss Ellen, told me not to come because of a certain birdy telling her I had trouble sleeping last night.” Dean said as he walked over to the couch and sat down on it heavily followed closely by Sam. “She also told me you wanted to talk to me.”

“I’m sorry, about telling Miss Ellen but, she worries about Dean, a lot. And I know that’s still new but-” Dean cut him off.

“Cut the babble, what’s up?” He said, digging in the cushions for the remote control.

“Jess is moving to an apartment, it’s closer to the university and the place is really nice but, she wants someone to move in with her.” Sam said rubbing the back of his neck and not meeting Dean’s eyes.

Dean nodded slowly and momentarily gave up his search for the remote. “She asked you to move in with her.” He said and Sam nodded even though they both knew it wasn’t a question. “When?”

“She wants to sign the lease next week.” Sam said simply.

A small, not particularly happy, smile broke onto Dean’s face. “You’re going to need help moving in.” Sam nodded in agreement but didn’t say anything further. Dean clapped a hand on Sam’s shoulder and fixed his strange smile on him. “Just give me a date and I’ll take the time off to help you.”

Sam stood up and smiled at his brother. “Dean, I’m really glad you didn’t freak about this and this way you’ll be able to sleep on my old bed instead of the couch.”

“A+ thinking there Sammy, that’s why you’re in college.” Dean grinned and stretched out on the couch. “I’m turning in early if that’s cool.” He said with a yawn.

“Cool, Dean, good night.” Sam said already walking towards his bedroom.

-

Cas grinned when he finally saw the “WELCOME TO MAINE” sign. “The way life should be.” He said glancing back at Skooma who was still unhappy in here cat carrier in the back seat. He rolled down the window and let the crisp air flow in like a splash of water to his face. “Don’t worry, Skoom we’ll be on solid ground soon enough.”


	11. By A Hair's Breadth

We are children  
Gasping, water in our lungs  
We are still  
Struggling up the ladder rungs  
We have found   
Solace in our fragile words  
We have lost something  
Dividing up our earnings in thirds

We were children  
Pulling ourselves from lakes  
We will no longer  
Wait for you to soothe our aches  
We have lost  
Each other in a crowd of voices  
You cannot go back  
To alter your choices

_-_ Emmanuel Allen, _“Children"_

_Poetry of Children_

-

Cas grunted and pushed the last box into his apartment, shutting the door behind him until it creaked into place and with one more shove it clicked. 'Maybe it was the cheapest place he could find on such short notice because it was a five story walk-up' he mused. He straightened up and looked around it again, it was small and boxy with only one bedroom and bathroom, the living room and kitchen were  only seperated by the yellowing tiles and muddy green carpet. The first time he'd seen it, it had been small but, now with all five of his boxes and his one bage huddled together in the middle of the living room, it seemed smaller and colder at the same time. The walls were strange shades of gray, as if they were implying that at one time they'd been different colors but, through time they'd evolved into one all-consuming hue. In the center of the living room sat an orange and red faded plaid couch. It was strangly fitting to Cas.

Skooma, having been the first thing brought upstairs and unleashed from her cage, walked out of the bedroom slowly, her eyes wide and her head swinging from side to side, trying to take in the whole place at once. It wasn't such a hard task. Cas collapsed onto the couch and Skooma meowed softly before hopping up onto the seat next to him. "I get it, Skooma, I really do." He murmured, absently petting the cat's head. Skooma meowed again, more insistant this time. "Oh." Cas grunted, as he pushed himself off the couch and went to his bag, fishing out two cat bowls and a small bag of food which he placed on the kitchen floor and filled. Skooma abandoned her spot on the couch and ran to the food and water.

Cas ventured to the other side of the kitchen and opened the window. The view faced the street and Cas watched for a moment as cars flew down the road and kicked up clouds of orange, red and brown leaves in their wake. It was peaceful letting the cool september air flow in past the screen in the window. Cas closed his eyes and stood their for a moment, only moving after the growl of a particularly loud engine and the sounds of classic rock drifted up to him. He sighed and moved away from the window, sprawling out on the couch again.

In some way, he was glad that this was the place he'd stopped. Even though the stop had been more out of nesessity than a concrete desicion. Cas had decided to stay in the town when something in his engine began to rattle. He'd cast a judgeful eye around the downtown area he was in. "This is as good a place as any other." He'd said to Skooma still caged and strapped in the back seat, who 'meowed' in agreement. He drove around some more, the rattling sound getting increasingly worrisome, until he found a for rent sign posted outside of a brick building.

He kept thinking about the drive here, the shops he'd passed in town, trying to remember if one had been a mechanic, the sound of someone with a deep voice yelling a name from the street below, the shuddering noise his car had made when he'd turned it off in the parking spot out front the building. Cas drifted off to sleep, to the sounds of the street below.

-

Dean got out the car and stared up at the large, white paneled house. "Sammy, this isn't an apartment it's a house. What the hell?" He asked turning his gaze to where Sam unfolded himself from the passenger seat of the impala.

"It's been remodeled. It's three apartments in one house." Sam went around to the back of the car and began to unpack the boxes they'd stuffed inside. "It's all students living in there."

Dean followed him around to the back, grabbed another box and followed Sam up the walk way. Before they were halfway to the door, Jess was opening the door with a big grin on her face. "Sam!" She yelled, running out to throw her arms around Sam, almost crushing the box between them. Dean stared down at the cracks in the sidewalk, harder than necessary. "We're on the second floor and the landlady is so nice, you'll just love her, Sam and, oh, Dean!" She broke away from Sam and moved around him to Dean. He smiled at her, tightly. "Thank you so much for helping Sam move in." Jess pulled the box out of Dean's hand and clutched it to her chest. "I'm really glad you're okay with Sam moving in with me." She fixed a warm smile on her face.

Dean couldn't help but smile back. "Yeah, Jess, it's no big." He clapped a hand on her shoulder and gave her a little push toward Sam, who stood looking at them from the front door. Dean turned back toward the car to get more boxes out. Jess was a good kid and really Dean couldn't stay mad at her if someone paid him to.

Sam and Dean had met Jess the day after they'd moved to Lampert. She had been Sam's first, and only for a while, friend. When they'd started dating it was the natural next step. After the two boys realized that staying with Ellen was really and truly permanent, unlike Fitchburg, making friends had gotten easier for Sam, and marginally, Dean.

Moving the entirety of Sam's possessions into his new apartment took a little less than half an hour with the three of them all working. Sam and Jess' new place was small but homey and light in a way that the apartment Dean and Sam had shared had never been. Dean handed Sam the last box and stood for a moment on the threshold of their new place, he cast an eye into the rooms beyond the door and some part of him recoiled from the light walls and big windows.

He could see the small look that passed between Sam and Jess before they turned big bright smiles to him. "Do you want to stay and-" Jess began before Dean cut her off.

"No, I really should be going." He said taking a step backward into the hallway. "You guys don't need me to muck up whatever it is you're trying to do here."

The look that flashed across Jess' face really sealed the deal, it seemed like it was relief. Sam, however, went on oblivious. "How about on Saturday you come over for lunch or dinner? We can go out and see a movie or something?"

"No, really, Sam you-" Dean started but this time it was Jess' turn to cut him off.

"Dean Winchester," She started firmly. "Sam moving here doesn't mean we want you out of our lives, now you're coming over on Saturday for lunch and then we'll figure out something else to do afterward. Okay?" She crossed her arms over her chest and gave Dean a long patient look. Maybe the look before hadn't been relief.

Dean sighed and ran his hand over his face to hide the small smile that had popped up. "Fine." Dean conceded at last. Large grins broke out over Sam and Jess' face as they both wrapped their arms around him. Dean left the two feeling better than he had before the move.

-

Cas woke up with a dry mouth and a dangerously empty stomach. He groaned and grabbed his stomach when it complained as he sat up and blinked in the light of the setting sun that seemed to stream directly through his window. Cas stood and his back cracked as he stretched toward the ceiling. In the pale orange light the room did seem warmer but, inevitably his eyes wandered back to the five boxes and the bag waiting to be unpacked.

"I'm supposed to be starting over." He muttered as he walked over them and plucked the backpack from the top of the pile and threw it over the back of the couch, landing with a thud the drooping cushions. "That should mean minimal unpacking at best." He complained to no one. He bent over to reach for the smallest of the boxes when his stomach gave another uneasy growl.

"Maybe I should get something to eat first." Cas said straightening up. At that Skooma came padding out of the bedroom and jumped onto the counter in the kitchen.

She meowed loudly at Cas.

"Oh, I see how it is. You hear 'eat' and then you come running." He refreshed her water and food as she wound around his legs, trying to trip him up, and purring loudly. He set the food down again and scratched her behind the ears.

She purred louder in appreciation.

Cas stood and grabbed for his keys and was halfway out the door before remembering that horrible noise. He grimaced and stared down at his keys. "Is it really worth the walk?" He asked them. To be honest, the line of shops and restaurants in the "downtown" area were only about a block away from his new apartment and the only food he had for humans was crushed bag of lays he'd had stashed in his bag since his second day of driving.

In short, it was really worth the walk. Cas locked his door.

-

"Dean, Ellen says you're on dish duty for the rest of the night." Adam said taking the tray of drinks from Dean's hand.

"Oh, come on, why?" Dean said even as he untied his apron, Ellen's word really was law.

Adam shrugged sympathetically. "She said something about you looking a tad on the surly side tonight." Adam took the apron and made his way over to the table Dean had been serving. Dean sighed and went behind the bar to the kitchen where Ellen stood inside.

Before Dean could open his mouth Ellen had already begun to speak. "What's up, Dean?"

Dean floundered for a moment before stringing together a proper sentence. "Nothing is wrong, except for someone putting me on dish duty for no reason."

"I saw how you acted with that customer, Dean. I'm not going to let your sourness drive away my business."

Dean groaned as he made his way over to the sink. "He was trying to order a patty melt, without the patty, Miss Ellen." He griped as he turned on the water and soap. "That's just a grilled cheese for pete's-sake. If you want a grilled cheese, _order a freaking grilled cheese._ Don't dance around with all that-"

"Dean," Ellen cut him off and spun him around so he was facing her instead of the sudsy water. "I have never seen an adult get worked up over a grilled cheese before."

Dean ducked his head sheepishly. "Sorry, Miss Ellen."

"I have known you for the last ten years, like it or not, I know when something is really eating at you. Even if you like think you don't have termites, I can see the little holes they're eating. Now, tell me what's up." She crossed her arms and waited for him to speak.

Dean leaned up against the sink, despite the line of water he could feel his shirt absorbing. "Sam moved out today." Without looking up he could see that Ellen's whole body language soften. "And, I don't know, the apartment feels really empty now." She pulled him into a hug. "It just fucking sucks, Miss Ellen."

She hit his shoulder lightly. "You'll be fine, and don't use that language with me young man." Dean chuckled and she swatted him again. "I'm serious." She said, laughing gently. "Now get to washing."

-

The sun had dipped lower beneath the horizon and Cas' stomach was complaining more than ever. A couple rushed past him, giggling into their hands and clutching each other in the early night chill that had begun to sweep the street. Cas felt his stomach churn for a different reason.

He glanced up at the next restaurant he came to and ducked inside. 'The Roadhouse' was going to have to be the choice tonight. As he entered the door to the kitchen behind the bar swung shut rather loudly, a sign next to the door Cas had just entered read: 'Please, Seat Yourself'. Cas sighed and sat down at a table in the far corner, away from the bar where the sports fans sat glued to the television. He watched the commercials that had come on for a moment before a young guy, early twenty's at best, swept into his view laying a strip menu in front of him. "Hi, I'm Adam, I'll be your server tonight. Can I get you a drink to start off?"

Cas scanned the menu quickly. "I'll have whatever's on tap and a-" he took one last glance at the menu. "I'll have a patty melt, please."

Adam smiled and scribbled down his order after taking the menu. "Will that be all, sir?"

"Yes, that's all." But as Adam was turning around something struck Cas. "No, actually," he called him back. "I'm sorry, I'm new in town and my car is giving me some trouble. Is there any place around here were I could to get that looked at."

Adam worried his lip for a moment. "Well, everything is closed by now but the closest one from here is Singer Auto. It's up this street and then you take a left onto Joseph Street. It's a big gray building, you can't miss it."

Cas thanked Adam and watched idly as he went to the window and placed the order. He stopped for a second to say something extra to whomever was in the kitchen and whatever it was earned a loud laugh. "Thanks, Adam." He heard the person responsible for the laugh call out.

-

Sometimes, dealing with the customers was an easier job than dealing with the dirty dishes they left behind. Tonight, Dean thoroughly believes, would have been one of those nights. Dean rubbed his lower back as he unlocked the door to his apartment and glanced at the clock on the wall when the lock finally unstuck and the door swung open. 2:45, it read, click-click-clicking away into the dark of the night. Dean didn't even reach for the light switch as he made his way over to the couch and practically collapsed upon it. Dean didn't take off his jacket or his jeans, only toeing off his boots, fast asleep by the time he heard them 'thunk' onto the floor.

The incessant beep of the alarm clock on the coffee table jerked Dean out of the rare dreamless sleep he'd been dropped into. Exhaustion had made Dean weary to a point where he didn't have a single dream the night before, if he did he didn't remember, and he was grateful to whoever was listening for that but, something he could have gone without was the dull ache in his left knee and lower back. Dean rolled off the couch and shucked his jacket onto the floor and stripped out of his jeans.

Dean leaned back and tried to crack and stretch his lower back but it was to no avail. He shook out his left leg as he walked to the closet on the other side of the room. The sun was peeking through the trees and shining through Dean's thin curtains, they cast a green shadow across the room. He pulled on a different over shirt and pants and set about making coffee. He groaned as the coffee dripped and tried to twist his back into shape again. "It's only eight hours and then I come back here and crash."

Taking the early morning shift, in no uncertain terms, sucked. It was a rare case that anyone came in before eight but, Bobby insisted that the shop be open and ready to go at seven o'clock. With time to spare, Dean went to check in at the time clock near the front desk.

"Thank god it's Friday. Right, Dean?" Kevin said from the desk.

"Um, I think that only applies to people who actually take the weekend off." Dean replied as he swiped his card. Kevin opened his mouth to reply but was distracted by the sound of a loud rattling engined car that was pulling into the parking lot. "That reminds me." Dean said leaning over Kevin and swiping the folder marked 'bookings'.

"Hey, I'm going to need that." Kevin called after him as Dean walked down the hallway to Bobby's office.

"Hey, Bobby." Dean called knocking on the door frame as he entered the office. "Nelson and I are booked for the same job at different times in the day, I was wondering who should take that?"

Bobby scrubbed his face and held out a hand. "Let me see the schedule."

-

"That rattling noise has been getting worse since yesterday and when I turned it one this morning the check engine light came on." Cas explained and the boy behind the counter, Kevin, grimaced.

"We can probably take it today and get it looked at." Kevin slipped off of the chair behind the desk and made to go down a hallway. "I'll be back in one second." He said with a tight smile before taking off down the hall. Cas waited at the desk for a minute before Kevin returned, glancing over his shoulder wearily, clutching a folder in his hand with the word 'bookings' written in big bold letters on the side. "Sorry, about that." He said taking a seat and flipping it open thumbing through the pages. "Oh, one of our mechanics can take a look at the car later this morning but, until we know what's wrong with it I can't get a real estimate on when the car will be ready."

Cas scrubbed a hand over his face but reached down to take his car keys out of his pocket. "It's not like I have many choices in the matter." He shrugged.

Kevin nodded in agreement and handed Cas a clipboard with a sheet of paper attached to it. "We just need you to fill this out and then we can get it looked at as soon as our mechanic is available." He cast a strangely venomous look over his shoulder but turned a 80-watt smile on Cas when he turned back around.

When Cas was done filling out the paper and handed over his keys Kevin handed him a business card. "We'll call you when the diagnosis is made and when we can get it fixed and if you have any questions you can call us at this number."

Cas smiled and pocketed the card.

-

"So, what's with the rattler that came in before I left?" Dean asked as he exited the hallway. The front door jingled as it shut. Dean watched the figure of a man walk out of the parking lot and wave to a car that let him pass the street.

"Started sounding crazy yesterday, when the guy rolled into town and then today when he turned it on the check engine light came on." Kevin said flipping open his book and uncapping a hilighter.

"Guy just rolled into town?" Dean asked taking the clipboard and keys off Kevin's desk.

"Yup."

"Must have been the guy Adam told me about last night." Dean said, offhand, before going out to the dark car in the parking lot.

After a short peak under the hood Dean quickly found the problem. "Washers are burnt up." Dean said upon entering the shop again.

"Huh?" Kevin said pulling himself out of his book.

"The guy's washers are burnt up, melted technically but, the rattling was just the hood cover floating around because the vent tube that holds it on, it's washers had melted." Dean held up one of the washers in question for Kevin's inspection.

"Well, that makes sense; he drove here from South Carolina." Kevin said reaching for the phone. "Do you know when you'll be able to get it done?"

"Well, I have an inspection coming in in an half hour and I have to go to the back and see if we have the right sized washer's but I should be able to fix it by three, if we do." Dean said pocketing the washer and heading to the back room. "Hold off calling him back until I find out if we have the washers or not, okay?"

Kevin nodded and let the phone fall back into the cradle, his eyes wandering back to the book on the counter.

-

"Jeez, small digs, baby bro. What made you go for that?" Gabe said, grimacing over the video call. Cas plopped down on the couch again and let the laptop rest on his thighs.

He shrugged. "It was an emergency and it was cheap. Lampert's really nice town and the place could be worse."

Gabe raised his eyebrows and leaned back in his chair. Cas scowled back because he knew exactly what his brother was thinking, he'd heard it a million times. 'You have all that money and you still choose to live in the crappiest apartment in town?' It had been a constant argument back in South Carolina. Gabe, surprisingly didn't say anything about it. "How's the writing going?"

"It's good, actually." Cas said relaxing marginally because one 'discussion' had been avoided. "I wrote like three pretty solid pieces on the way up here and I sent them into Naomi but, she hasn't gotten back to me yet." Cas wrung his hands. "I don't know maybe she is mad at me for moving without warning her."

Gabe dropped his head into his hands. "She is not mad at you, Castiel, she is just a very busy woman." Gabe rubbed his eyes and looked back up at Cas. "Have you finished unpacking yet?"

"No, I was busy this morning and then I came back here and called you." Cas said slowly. "Why do you care?"

"Have you unpacked your sheets, yet? Are sleeping on a bare mattress or something?" Gabe asked exasperated.

"Gabe, I don't even have a mattress yet. And once again, why do you care?" Cas started to get suspicious, he glanced over his shoulder at the still unpacked boxes behind the couch.  
"Where have you been sleeping? Why don't you have a mattress?"" Gabe asked, more sincerely this time but, still suspicious.

Cas hit the couch cushions with his hand. "On the couch, that was left behind by the last tenants. It'll do until I get my car back and can go out and buy a mattress."

"Wait, wait, wait. Why don't you have a car?" Gabe asked as if he was talking to someone who didn't speak his language.

Cas sighed. "I don't have a car because yesterday there was this rattling sound and then today I dropped it off at an auto shop in town. It's no big deal, probably just a loose thing in the engine. I'll have it and a mattress in no time. Now, why are you so concerned about my sheets?"

Gabe opened his mouth to reply but stopped himself when Cas' cellphone rang.

"Speak of the devil, it's the auto shop." Cas said with a smug look in Gabe's direction. "Hello, Cas Novak."

"Hi, this is Kevin and your car is all ready and you can swing by any time before seven today to pay and pick it up."

"Thank you, Kevin." Cas replied while simultaneously waving goodbye to Gabe and closing out of the video call. "I'll be around by three, okay?"

-

Dean leaned against the front desk as Kevin swiveled out of his chair and walked to the time clock. "Hey, Dean, it's almost three aren't you usually out of here by 2:50?" Kevin said as he swiped his card through the reader.

"Hm? Yeah but, I don't have a shift at The Roadhouse tonight and I feel like I should explain to this guy what happened to his car." Dean rubbed his eyes for what felt like the thousandth time that day and held back a yawn.

Jo came in from the back hall and swiped her card before taking Kevin's place at the desk. Kevin picked up the clipboard from that morning, hiding the papers from Dean's sight. "Do you even know his name?"

"No, Kevin I just know he's the guy with black Ford HHR that had melted washers on his vent tube and engine cover." Dean muttered.

"Ooh, are you talking about that hottie with a body you told me about earlier?" Jo said letting the chair swivel in between the two of them.

"First of all; I never called him that, second of all," he said as he glanced at the paper on the clipboard, "his name is" Jo started a drumroll on the desk and Kevin drew out the 'is' for far too long. "Cas-teel Novak."

Dean's head shot up and he wrenched the clipboard out of Kevin's hands. "Castiel Novak?" He said staring at the plain bold print which declared it. The bell above the door to the office tinkled and Dean's head shot up again.

_‘Fucking laser eyes.’_ Was the first thought in Dean’s head when he did so.

-

Cas let the door to the office swing shut behind him and everything seemed to narrow down to the man standing behind the desk. It was like no time had passed at all for a moment and Dean was still sixteen. But, he wasn't and that was clear. His jaw was stronger, his face had grown into his lips but, not so much that they weren't still full, his eyes, though still beautifully green and framed by the freckles across his nose and cheeks, seemed smaller and a shade darker.

Cas felt like he'd just dropped off the highest rollercoaster peak in the world but somehow his voice box came to life at the sound of a clipboard clattering to the ground.

"Hello, Dean."


	12. Lunch and Dinner

**EMMANUEL ALLEN** ’s first book of poetry, Poetry of Children, is hitting stores in a few months and the hype for it could not be more lacking. The book is being described as a narrative told only through the entirely subjective voice of poetry. “It’s a very personal, real story but, as a reader because of the way it’s presented you can fill in the blanks of the specifics. It’s lends a shoulder, in a way, as if someone is trying to relate to your issues by telling you a similar tale.” A representative of the publishing company is quoted as saying. To me the book seems like a refashioning of the poetry of old, an epic, maybe not an epic to anyone from _Beowulf_ ’s time but one for a modern time. I am excited to see just what this new author can give us and I have a feeling when it finally hits book store shelves, you will be to.

**-A. Paigizo,** _one of the earliest pieces of publicity for Poetry of Children found in a popular writing magazine._

Dean ducked down under the desk to scoop up the clipboard that he’d only realized he dropped after an intense moment of silence marked by the glances Jo and Kevin had shared. Dean felt a gentle tap at his shoulder and glanced up to see Jo and Kevin staring down at him. Jo pushed him with her foot again, harder this time and gave him a pointed glare.

Feeling his ears begin to heat up with an undeniable blush Dean rose up and was met with Cas’ concerned face right across the counter. “Fucking Christ, Cas!” Dean _almost_ shouted, flinching away from Cas and _not_ clutching the clipboard to his chest.

Dean almost didn’t catch Cas’ next words over the hammering of his heart. “Not currently.” A small smile playing at the corner of Cas’ lips.

They were still chapped and pink, just like when they were younger. The memory leapt it’s way into Dean’s throat and as Cas was opening his mouth again, the small smile slowly turning into a real one, Dean flinched again. “Your washers melted.” Dean snapped, fishing the washers in question out of his pocket and tossing them in front of Cas. Dean pushed around the desk and headed to the door.

“Watch yourself, Winchester. Turn around right now.” Jo called from across the office. Dean turned on his heal and was met with twin faces of shock on Jo and Kevin’s faces and the back of Cas head as he’d not turned around.

“Lucy, you got some ‘splaining to do.” Kevin said nodding over at Cas.

Dean scrubbed his hand over his face and Cas slowly turned around. His face was blank but still eerily attentive and he was tossing the washers around in his palm. “We were friends in high school.” Dean said staring at Jo, carefully not looking at Cas’ stone look.

A grin broke over Jo’s face as she shook it, seeming only as strangely condescending as a high school girl can be to a grown man she’s known since before hitting double digits. “No, Winchester, you don’t get to cop out that easily. I knew you for three years out of the five you went to high school and for those three years you told me ‘it’s useless to make friends in high school, you never did why should I?’.”

Dean groaned and glanced over at Cas for a split second who wasn’t offering any help. “I am tired, Harvelle, and I am starving. Can I just-”

“We are friends from high school. Fitchburg High School” Cas cut him off, apparently taking pity on Dean. “How much do I owe you?” Jo seemed to flounder for a moment, caught under Cas’ personal microscope eyes.

Dean slipped out with Kevin while Cas was signing a slip. The warm sun and cool air of mid-Autumn hit Dean’s face and he allowed himself to bask in it for a moment. “This is the perfect time of year.” Dean murmured to himself.

“Five years, huh?” Cas said from behind Dean, who belatedly realized that the bell-like sound he’d heard had been the door opening. Cas brushed by him as he fitted his key back onto his key ring. “You really are lost without me.” He said not even looking up.

_Dean was working on Spanish homework, his head pillowed on Cas’ thighs. Cas was idly running his hand through Dean’s hair, letting his fingernails skim over his scalp every few swipes, while watching an old silent film that tended to come on more frequently as the night went on._

_“Cas?” Dean said quietly, angling his paper toward him and pointing to the last sentence. “Does that make sense?”_

_Cas read it over twice and blinked slowly. “Yeah, but in the sentence before that you used the wrong verb. You want to use ‘correr’, to run.”_

_Dean smiled softly and went back to writing for a moment before letting the paper and book he was writing on, slip between him and the back of the couch. He reached his hand up over his head and grasped Cas’ hand, that was starting to slow down, and intertwined their fingers. Cas gave him a small squeeze and Dean leaned up to Cas’ face pausing right before their lips touched. “How do you even know this stuff?” Dean said leaning his forehead against Cas’. “You’re in, like, French three or something.”_

_Cas smiled back finally letting his eyes slide shut fully. “I took Spanish for three years in middle school. I remember it.” He said, almost whispering._

_Dean pressed his smile to Cas’ lips. “You’re a genius. I’d be lost without you.”_

“It’s cool, though. I didn’t even graduate.” Cas threw Dean a small smile over his shoulder as he reached for his door handle.

“Oh.” Dean said staring dumbly after him, still reeling from the oddly specific memory that the phrase had cropped up.

Cas stilled and turned slowly to Dean his, purposefully stoney look back. “Oh?” He said simply.

Dean shrugged.

“It’s been ten years!” Cas said incredulously, slamming his door shut and leaning against it. All of a sudden all of the words Dean had wanted to say left his head in two’s and three’s but, Cas was more than willing to keep speaking for the both of them. “You disappeared off the face of the planet!” Cas started stalking towards Dean as he became transfixed with a large chunk of asphalt off to the left of them. “There was an empty house and your fucking jacket, do you know how much that can scare the shit out of people?” Cas was in front of Dean now, less than an arm’s length away. Dean hadn’t moved except to take a small step back on his right foot and he was still staring off to the right. “Dean?” Cas snapped.

“If you’re going to shove me or hit me or whatever, just do it.” Dean murmured.

Cas flapped his arms for a second and looked around the parking lot. “I don’t want to hit you, Dean.” Cas said, something catching in his throat. “I’m so happy you’re, I’m happy you’re okay.” Cas said into his hand before taking a step back and clearing his throat. “I’m sorry, I’m freaking out. I’m making a scene.”

Dean raised his head and looked at Cas with a small smile on his face. “”Yeah, you kind of are.”

Cas let a breathy laugh slip out and looked up at the sky. “I’m sorry, we should start over.”

Despite the fact that Dean’s heart was still thudding in his chest, he smiled. “Yeah, we should.”

Cas backtracked over to the door and took a moment before walking back to Dean. “Hello, Dean.” He said, sticking out his hand for Dean to shake.

“Heya, Cas. How you been?” Dean said grasping it firmly and solidly shaking it. When they dropped the handshake, Dean laughed a little tightly and rubbed the back of his neck. “What do people do when they meet up for the first time in a long time?”

Cas thought for a moment before perking up. “We could go to lunch? You did say you were starving.”

“That sounds perfect.” Dean smiled again, less tightly but, the tension still lingered in his shoulders.

-

About ten minutes later Dean and Cas sat across from each other in almost empty Roadhouse, having just missed the last of the lunch crowd. Cas smiled happily at Dean who tried return it with as much sincerity as Cas had delivered but found he could not for some reason. “So,” Cas began, needlessly adjusting the utensils and napkin, “five years?”

Dean chuckled and glanced up to see if Adam was coming to take their order yet. “When I got pulled out it was a week before finals, right, and when we finally settled down here it was a good portion into Summer, so there was no way for me to take them.” Dean shrugged and looked to see Adam finally coming over from the kitchen. “Made me repeat the tenth grade.”

Adam made it over to the table and smile quickly at them, putting two menus on their table and taking out his notepad. “I’m sorry for the, oh, it’s just Dean.” Adam cut himself and relaxed out of his almost formal tone. “And the guy from last night!” He exclaimed pointing to Cas. “How did everything go with your car?”

“Absolutely great, Dean fixed it for me.” Cas replied.

“Oh good, Dean’s the best mechanic in Lampert.” Adam smiled down at Cas before turning to Dean quickly and switching his tone to pleading. “Please, don’t tell Mr. Singer I said that.”

Dean sighed and pinched his nose. “Adam, I’ll tell Bobby what you do on the weekends with Katy if you don’t take our order. So, how about you do your job?”

“Jeez, I’m sorry. No need to get all rude.” Adam pouted at Dean before turning his mouth into sarcastically personable smile. “What can I get you, sir?”

“The Supreme Burger with the sauce from the Roadhouse Special and whatever you have on tap.” Dean said simply without even glancing at the menu.

Cas flipped through the menu for a second, eyes darting over the pages before putting it down on top of Dean’s unopened one. “I’ll have the same and a glass of water instead, please.”

“Okay,” Adam said slowly as he scribbled that on his notepad. “I’ll be back with that in a second.” With another quick smile Adam disappeared behind the bar and into the kitchen and left behind silence.

Cas chewed his lip while Dean re-rearranged the salt and pepper shakers and the packets of sugar. “So,” Cas began before Adam interrupted by placing two drinks in front of both of them.

“Thanks Adam.” Dean murmured before taking a long drink from his glass. After Adam left Cas made no attempt to restart his sentence. “So?” Dean prompted.

“Oh,” Cas laughed a little, “I was just going to ask if you’ve worked at the auto shop for long but,” Cas trailed off and shrugged.

“I started going there after school in the eleventh grade. And once I graduated Bobby offered me a job but, I thought I could-” Dean cut himself off and smiled at the woman coming over to their table with a plate in each hand.

“Dean,” she said in a reprimanding tone as she set down the plates, “did you think you could sneak in here and without seeing my shining face? And with a friend I have never met before.” She turned her gaze, and a small smile, to Cas. “Who are you?”

A strange thing happened to Cas when she looked down at him, something in his mind snapped. “I’m Castiel Novak. I knew Dean in high school, when he lived in Massachusetts, not when he lived here, obviously. I just moved here, I didn’t know Dean lived here, obviously, not to say that I wouldn’t have moved here if I knew that he lived in this town. Your town is absolutely lovely, from what I have seen of it over the last few-”

“Cas!” Dean said reaching across the table and grabbing his arm.

Cas jumped a little and stared down at Dean’s hand curled around his forearm. “I’m so sorry.” He laughed, looking back up at her and covered his mouth with his other hand stifling the almost manic laughter that was still bubbling from his mouth. “My name is Cas, I’m an old friend of Dean’s.” Cas said finally calming down and reached up with the arm that Dean’s hand was holding and grasped hers.

“I’m Ellen Harvelle.” She said, smiling. “And you are a very excitable young man. Enjoy your burgers.” Ellen ruffled Dean’s hair and winked before walking off towards the kitchen door.

“See you later, Miss Ellen.” Dean called after her before turning to Cas with a grin on his face. “Should I be worried about you? Do always get that flustered when people talk to you?” Dean said, laughing.

“Dean,” Cas groaned. “No, I don’t, she just-”

“Or is it just woman? Maybe it’s older woman?” Dean asked trying to get a hold on the laughter that was shaking his body.

“It wasn’t anything about her gen-”

“No, I know what it was it was the fact that she was standing over you. Like a power play, right? You couldn’t take that.” Dean’s shoulders were shaking and Cas could see his eyes starting to tear up. Cas groaned again but before he could open his mouth to speak Dean’s phone rang loudly. “One second, sorry.” He said as he slipped the phone out of his pocket.

Dean glanced at the caller ID before picking up. “Hey, Sam. What’s up?”

“Oh my gosh, it’s your brother?” Cas slipped out.

“Yeah, oh, what?” Dean said switching his attention between Cas and Sam on the phone. “Yeah, that was just Castiel.” Dean’s face went slack for a moment and Sam’s voice on the other end of the line grew louder. “Yeah, that Castiel. Cas.” A longer pause. “I guess I’ll have to ask him.” Dean finished with a weak chuckle before turning to Cas. “Sam’s wondering if you want to get together for dinner. You don’t have to if you don’t want to, only if you’re free really.”

“I would love to see Sam, what day?” Cas said grinning at Dean who repeated it back to Sam.

“Is Tuesday night okay with you?” He said after a moment, sighing through the final words.

“That’s great.” Cas said, still not looking away from Dean.

“He says that’s great.” Dean said sharply, looking across the room to the empty corner of the bar. “I’ll talk to you later, okay? Bye Sam.” Dean put the phone back into his pocket and a small laugh slipped out when he looked back at Cas. “He always calls at the weirdest times. It’s like he knows when I’m doing something.”

“What do you mean by that? Doing something?” Cas asked quietly, glancing down at the large burger in front of him, for the first time, seeming unwilling to make eye contact with Dean.

“No I just mean, uh,” Dean grabbed the burger on his plate and bit into it, using the time to think about what to say. “I don’t know.” He shrugged and glared down at his food, as if blaming it for his lack of an answer. “You aren’t the usual something I do.”

Cas snorted and looked up at Dean as he picked up his own food. “That makes sense.” He said right before biting into it.

“I didn’t mean it like that.” Dean said, eyes turning comically wide. Cas laughed and Dean laughed and the rest of the lunch flowed a little smoother after that.

-

“So where are you living right now?” Dean said as he threw down half of the money for the check and stood up with Cas. All Cas did was raise an eyebrow and Dean felt like explaining himself. “No, I mean not to be creepy or anything, but, so I can pick you up on Tuesday for dinner.”

Cas smiled and led the way to the door. “It’s not creepy. According to movies and TV it’s common practice to ask someone where they’re staying when they’re new in town but, I don’t know how well the practice holds up in real life.” Cas shrugged and pushed out the door into the afternoon light. “You know the gray apartment building on Ferguson?”

“Yeah.” Dean answered not taking his eyes off Cas.

“Fifth floor.” Cas said as he rounded the corner of the building to go to the side lot where Dean’s and his cars were parked side by side.

“No, shit?” Dean said as he walked around to the driver’s side of his car and Cas to his. Cas looked over the top his car and shook his head. “Fourth floor.” Dean said crossing his arms on top the Impala and resting his chin on it.

Cas leaned back against his car and let that small smile dance at the edges of his pink chapped lips, like it had back in the auto shop’s office. “No, shit.” He murmured.

“Are you still unpacking your stuff?” Dean said trying for casual, as he for the first time in his life fumbled with the keys of the Impala.

“Yeah, there’s not much but, I’ve just been so fucking tired.” Cas unlocked his door and opened it.

Dean sniffed and shrugged. “I could help you.” Dean said not looking up to meet Cas’ eyes.

-

Cas didn’t know who to thank but, surely he needed to thank someone, because as he made his way up the final staircase to the fifth floor Dean was right behind him. Coming up to his apartment. To help him unpack.

Seeing Dean again had set off strange jitters in his ribcage that he hadn’t felt since, well, high school. The strange something that had been aching in Cas’s chest since he’d seen Dean at the auto shop had set off things that Cas hadn’t remembered feeling since those first days without him and the first weeks in South Carolina, like he was too hot and too cold at the same time and felt like he could drop from exhaustion at any moment but could never find a place to sleep. It was an ache. A dull heavy ache that was settling over the excited jitters, dampening them. Before Cas realized he was at his door and inserting the key, a deep furrow settling between his brow.

“So, you live in 506? I live in 406.” Dean said as Cas walked into his painfully bare apartment.

“How about this? I’ll stomp once for impending doom and stomp twice for impending boredom.” Cas chuckled as he threw his keys onto the kitchen counter across the room and turned to face Dean who was still standing in the doorway. “Well, home sweet- Oh, shit watch out for the cat!” Cas said as the cat in question made an escape attempt between Dean’s legs who immediately bent down and scooped him up to his chest.

“Hello.” Dean said holding out Skooma who meowed pitifully in his hands. “Who are you?” He kicked the door closed and set her down so she could run off to the corner and begin licking herself while glaring at Dean

“She’s Skooma. Gabe says it means the embodiment of pure evil or something like that.” Cas said with a smile as he shrugged off his jacket and threw it over the back of the couch.

Dean rubbed his nose and walked next to Cas, not bothering to take off his own jacket but, leaning against the couch and nudging one of the boxes. “Sheets & Shit?” He asked reading the side of it.

“Yes,” Cas sighed and leaned on the couch next to Dean, a silent thrill shooting out of the worrisome ache behind his ribs as their shoulders almost touched, “Gabe packed that one. I think the ‘& Shit’ I referring to curtains and towels and whatever else he put in there.”

Dean chuckled. “Some things just don’t change, do they? I’ll drag this one into the bedroom and take out the towels, okay? You can start to unpack that one and I’ll come help you.” Dean pointed to the box simply labeled ‘kitchen’ in Cas’ neat script.

“Thank you, taskmaster Dean.” Cas said standing up and pushing the box into the kitchen while Dean picked up his box and moved it to the empty bed room.

Behind the wall, Dean called out to Cas, who was wrestling a toaster out of the box. “You don’t have a bed or anything?”

“No,” Cas called back, “I left most of my furniture with Gabe in South Carolina. I have no clue what he did with it.”

Dean didn’t respond. “Dean?” Cas said worried for a moment by the man’s silence before he appeared in the doorway to the living room, a pink tint to his cheeks and clutching a small pile of towels in his hands.

“Um, I just remembered, this thing, uh, that I, uh, haven’t done, I need to do. Sorry.” Cas stood up and walked over to Dean, about to ask what was wrong when Dean shoved the towels into his hands and strode toward the door. “Sorry, Cas.” He grumbled as he slipped out.

Cas threw the towels into the bathroom and walked back to the kitchen to keep unpacking. It wasn’t until a few hours later, after Cas had gone to the bathroom that he looked through the pile for a hand towel to dry his hands on, that he realized Dean hadn’t grabbed that and walked into the bedroom to root for them himself.

That is when he saw it. It was directly on top of the remaining towels in the box and Cas now understood the pink tinge to Dean’s cheek and the way he’d left. He reached down and grabbed the almost a foot long, thick and sparkly purple rubber dildo and flipped it over to read the note attached. _‘To keep you warm on those cold winter nights.’_

“Gabe.” He growled, throwing the dildo back into the box and marching out of the room, wet hands now completely forgotten.

Cas left the apartment quickly and it was only when he was half way down the stairs to Dean’s floor that he realized he had no idea what to say. “Whatever,” he muttered continuing on, “I make up things on the spot all the time. I can do this.”

Cas got to the door marked 406 and knocked, maybe a little to roughly, and was met with a gruff reply of “Jesus, I’ll be there in a second.” The door swung open to reveal a tired looking Dean, whose eyebrows immediately shot up at the sight of Cas standing outside his door. “Oh.” He said simply but, his ears started to turn a little pink.

“Is that your new favorite word?” Cas joked, when Dean’s only response was to shrug and stare down at the floor, he barreled on, panicking only slightly. “I know why you left so suddenly earlier and I want you to know that was Gabriel’s.”

Dean’s head shot up, eyes wide. “What?” He asked sharply.

“No, I mean, that it was supposed to be a gag, not that that was actually Gabriel’s.” Cas rushed out and then let a small gasp of a laugh escape his mouth. “I’m sorry, I should have guessed after Gabe was so insistent on helping me pack but, I was a bit distracted.”

Dean huffed out a small laugh and let his hand linger on the doorframe which relaxed his posture. “You were distracted? Like I said, some things never change.”

_Cas had been attempting to finish ‘War and Peace’ in what seemed like record time and he only had the last three hundred pages to go. Unfortunately someone had different ideas about what Cas should have been doing with his time so, to avoid the temptation named Dean Winchester, Cas had sequestered himself in the library. Cas was just nearing two hundred pages to go when he felt a hand slide over his thigh. Cas let his stare slide from Tolstoy’s words to tell off the owner of the grope-y hand when he was met with Dean’s face, smiling somewhat dopily at him._

_“I was wondering when you’d notice me.” Dean whispered as he continued to let his fingers trail over the top of Cas’ thigh._

_“How long have you been sitting there?” Cas whispered back slipping his bookmark into the book and turning fully towards Dean, bumping their knees and legs together. Dean’s hand fell off but now it rested between Cas’ knees._

_Dean leaned his head on his other hand. “Oh, about ten minutes, I just thought you were ignoring me for most of it because when I sat down I asked you if you’d been in here all day. I realized you were lost in your own world when I asked you a question a minute ago that you usually would have answered.”_

_“And what was the question?” Cas said leaning forward and mirrored Dean by leaning on his own hand and letting his other drift down to were Dean’s was swinging._

_“Do you want to come over tonight? I’m making lasagna.” Dean wasn’t looking at Cas now but was staring down at their hands letting his fingertips skim across Cas’, a small smile resting on his lips._

_Cas abruptly leaned back and grabbed ‘War and Peace’. “Dean, I would love to but, I need to finish this book.”_

_Dean grinned slightly and glanced around, to check no one was there before leaning in close to Cas. “You can always finish it at my place.”_

_Cas returned the smile wearily. “We both know that’s not going to happen.”_

_Dean leaned in closer until their noses where almost brushing. “What if I promise to be on my best behavior for you? Just so you can finish that crummy book?”_

_Cas swallowed weakly and was about close the gap between them when the sound of heels walking down one of the aisles to the left of them caused them both to jump back. The oldest librarian in the building, maybe the world, rounded the corner and placed a few books on the shelves next to Dean and Cas, smiled curtly them and walked back down the aisle to the front desk. As soon as she had done so Dean stood up abruptly. “I’m sorry.” He said quietly, a blush coloring his face. “I’m distracting you, I should go.”_

_Cas couldn’t have Dean looking shamefaced for something like that. Cas stood, just as abruptly as Dean had done and leaned in close, laying a quick peck on the other boy’s lips. “Nonsense,” Cas whispered in his ear, tangling their hands together and giving Dean’s a quick squeeze before releasing, “the only thing that’s distracting me is this book, from you.”_

_Dean blushed harder but grinned at Cas. “Baby is parked out front.” Dean said as Cas quickly shoved ‘War and Peace’ into his bag and was soon following him down the aisle and past the oldest librarian in the building, perhaps the world, sitting at the front desk._

Cas shook his head out his reverie and remembered hearing Dean say something. “What?” He said looking back at Dean from the spot over his right shoulder.

Dean chuckled and leaned against the doorframe. “I said it’s almost dinner time.”

“Oh, yes.” Cas said taking a step back. “I’m sorry, I should go. I just wanted to get that cleared up.” Cas was about to turn away from Dean when his hand shot out and grabbed Cas’ arm.

“You don’t have any food in your apartment, right?” Dean asked and Cas nodded. “Well, I made lasagna and I’m pretty sure I made too much.” He said releasing Cas’ arm.

“Um,” Cas started.

“Let me make up for leaving you with all the unpacking. Please?” Dean said, smiling at Cas earnestly.

“Okay.” Cas smiled a little and let Dean lead him in. “But to be fair,” Cas said as he closed the door behind him, “I didn’t actually finish unpacking.”

Dean groaned loudly but still grinned at Cas over his shoulder as he made his way over to the kitchen. “I’ll have to help again sometime.”

-

Three days had passed and Cas hadn’t seen much of Dean. Only once passing him on the stairwell to tell him that the place they were going was ‘a bit classier than The Roadhouse (according to Sam) and that Cas could just meet him at his apartment at five’. Cas adjusted his tie one more time and checked his watch again. ‘4:44’ it read almost mockingly.

“If I leave now,” Cas said to his reflection, repositioning his tie underneath his sweater vest again, “I run the risk of showing up right at fifteen minutes to five and that will seem too planned. Remember the sweet spot Castiel, 5:53.”

By the time his watch said it was 5:49, Cas was considering giving his hair a trim. “Fuck the sweet spot.” Cas growled grabbing his coat off of the couch and marching out the door.

When Dean answered his door and glanced at the alarm positioned next to the TV, he laughed. “Ten till on the dot.” Cas silently cursed himself as he followed Dean into the apartment and sat next to him on the couch as Dean started fitting on his shoes. “Why are you so dressed up?” Dean asked glancing over at him.

“Dressed up?” Cas asked, smoothing down his tie beneath the vest again.

“I mean, you got a tie on and stuff. You just look, I don’t know, a bit dressed up.” Dean shrugged and leaned down to lace up his shoes.

“If that’s your way of telling me I look nice then, thank you but, it’s really making me nervous, should I go change? Will I be overdressed?” Cas said turning to Dean fully and taking in his jeans and plain colored button.

Dean laughed before turning and looking at Cas and seeing his deadly serious face. “No, maybe just lose the tie.” Dean shrugged and went to tie his other shoe as Cas hastily unknotted is tie and shoved it into the pocket of his coat.

Cas stood and held his arms out to his sides. “How do I look?” He asked looking down at Dean.

Dean looked up at after making his final knot and seemed to let his eyes linger over Cas’ body for a moment before standing up himself, reaching out to Cas’ collar and popping the first button open. “You look good.” Dean said letting his arms flop by his sides. After a moment of calm silence Dean swung turned his entire body to look at the clock. “We should get going.” Dean said gruffly.

As Cas trailed behind him down the stairs and out to the side walk Dean through a few glances over his shoulder until they reached the Impala. “So you’re still rocking the trench coat, I see.” Dean said laying another stare down the length of Cas’ body before snapping to look away at something in the distance and slipping into the Impala before Cas could answer.

Cas slipped into the passenger side seat and made sure said trench coat wasn’t about to get stuck in the door. “Yes, it’s not the same one obviously but they are a good type of coat, so I keep buying them.” Cas shifted it around his body and looked out the window.

Dean chuckled and was silent for a moment. “You know, speaking of coats, what did you ever do with that coat I left you?” Dean was quieter now and watching the road a lot more than normally. “I mean, uh, if you remember.”

“I don’t remember.” Cas said, watching the streetlights pass.

The rest of the car ride would have passed in silence had Dean not flipped on the radio.

Dean’s reaction to seeing Cas again and Sam’s reaction to Cas could not be more different. “Cas!” Sam shouts across the parking lot as he slips out of his car, a woman getting out of the passenger side and walking next to him as Cas and Dean approach. As soon as they get close enough Sam grabs Cas’ hand in a pseudo handshake only to pull them together in a one armed hug. “This is so crazy.” Sam exclaimed breaking away from Cas and slinging his arm around the blond woman next to him. “How have you been? When did you move here? Jesus, I haven’t heard two words from Dean about you. You’d think you were in witness protection with the way he acts.” Sam let out a chuckle but, stopped dead, putting his hand on Cas’ shoulder. “You aren’t in witness protection are you?” He asked somberly before bursting out laughing again, joined by the woman and Cas.

“We should go into the restaurant, maybe? Instead of freezing our asses off out here.” Dean said stalking away from the group to the wooden doors of the building. Sam grinned again and gave Cas a light-hearted shove toward the door before moving to follow Dean.

By the time they had been seated and orders taken the full introductions and background information had been given. Jess was Sam’s funny and intelligent girlfriend that was majoring in biology and who Sam was head over heels in love with. Every time she talked and a few times she wasn’t Sam’s eyes were locked on her and he seemed to turn into a gooey mess.

Sam was in the middle of telling another absolutely hilarious story about something that had happened to him and Jess at some point or another when Jess interrupted him. “Okay, honey, as much as I want Cas to hear about the time I broke most of the rules in the science building and almost got you pushed off of the roof of a sorority house, I really want to hear something about Cas.”

“I’m sorry; you’re just so funny, all the time.” Sam looked at Jess with another loving stare and Cas could see Dean rolling his eyes out of the corner of his eyes.

Jess turned to Sam and looked at him with a dead serious look on her face. “Do you want me to tell the apple pie joke again?”

Sam grinned sheepishly and ducked his head. “No.” Jess smiled widely and turned her one-thousand watt smile on Cas.

“So, what made you want to move here all the way from South Carolina?”

Cas laughed nervously, feeling all three sets of eyes all turn their attention on him. “The heat and the atmosphere mainly were affecting my work, I think. I’d gotten kind of lethargic and I wasn’t doing very well, Gabe suggested a change of scenery might help so, here I am.” Cas fought the urge to twist the cloth napkin on his leg. Dean snorted from next to him and Cas turned to look at him. “What?”

“So what in a few years you’re going disappear in search of some new scenery?” Dean said, glancing over at Cas.

“Don’t worry, Dean, it took me ten years to get sick of South Carolina, you’ve got more than a few years.” Cas saw their waiter turning the corner with their food on a large tray. “And if you look at my track record, I’m not the one who just disappears.” Cas said just as the waiter got to the table. Dean sat in silence while she set down the food and didn’t comment on it after she’d left, letting the topic of conversation shift to something else.

As the group was leaving the restaurant Jess turned to Cas and embraced him, hard and sincere like the girl herself before breaking away. “I’m really glad to have met you.”

“Why?” Cas said glancing over to where Dean and Sam were standing next to Sam’s car, heads bent toward each other as if they were discussing something secret.

Jess followed Cas eyes. “They never talk about anything that happened before they moved here. When I first asked Sam where he was from he just shrugged.” She looked back over at Cas and smiled. “It makes it easier to believe that they didn’t just appear out of thin air, knowing someone who was a part of the mysterious Winchester past.”

Cas laughed out loud at that. “Do you know that you are the second person to say something like that?”

She grinned. “Who was the first?”

“Jo; the receptionist at the auto shop where Dean works.” Cas explained.

Jess shook her head knowingly. “You know, as strange as this may seem, the more people you meet in this town the more likely it is that you’ll hear that.”

Cas opened his mouth to ask Jess something more but Sam was calling them over to say goodbye.

On the drive back to their apartment building, Dean didn’t turn on the radio and instead let them sit in silence until Cas spoke up. “Jess told me that you don’t ever talk about anything before you moved here.”

Dean shrugged and didn’t comment.

“Why?” Cas asked, his curiosity bubble finally bursting.

“Think back,” Dean said after a moment, “did I ever really talk to you about my life before I moved to Fitchburg?”

Cas was silent for a moment. “No, I guess not.” He said quietly not expecting Dean to respond.

“When I first got here, I’d just spent a month and a half driving around in a car getting the silent treatment from my brother and the evil eye from my dad.” Dean sighed and looked over at Cas as if expecting him to question him, when Cas stayed silent Dean barreled on. “Before, I moved to Fitchburg that wouldn’t have seemed so bad. That was a regular thing that happened to me, living out of a car for a while in between stops but, after I’d-” Dean stopped talking for a moment and cleared his throat as if searching for the right words. “After I’d set down some roots, gotten to know people,” he glanced over at Cas, “met you, it just kind of made me sick a lot. I’ve never gotten car sick even when I was a little kid but, some days I felt like the car was too hot and too cold and I was starving but I wanted to throw up. When we finally got here I thought this was going to be another one night thing in between an endless barrage of highways and feeling like shit. And when my dad left us here I wasn’t super keen on making any friends.”

This time when Dean paused and glanced at Cas, he did say something. “Because?” He prompted.

Dean stayed silent and for a second Cas thought he wasn’t going to answer. “I didn’t think I’d be able to keep them. But, weeks turned into months and that turned into a few years and I left and I came back and before you knew it I was actually living here.”

Cas nodded solemnly as Dean turned into the parking space in front of their apartment building. They stayed silent until they’d reached the fourth floor and Dean turned to go down the hall. “Goodnight, Dean.” Cas said to him without turning around as he kept moving up the stairs.

Dean stopped in his tracks and turned slightly to watch him disappear up the stairs.

_Before they’d started dating, and were still pretending that they fell asleep on the couch curled around each other on accident, Dean found himself in a curious predicament on the edge of the couch. Cas was laying behind him with his arm curled between the two of them. Dean was almost certain that Cas was asleep so, if he leaned back he would crush Cas’ arm, effectively waking him up, to scamper out of the house and back to his own at a breakneck speed but, if Dean were to fall asleep he would most certainly fall off the couch. Which would also wake up Cas and send him running home. The only solution in Dean’s mind at this point would be to just stay up all night so as not to disturb his couch partner._

_Dean felt Cas shift behind him and he teetered slightly. As if sensing this Cas’ arm snaked around the front of Dean and pulled him back, so he was pressed up snug against his chest and  let his arm rest over Dean’s abdomen. A small puff of breath at the base of his skull sent a small shiver down Dean’s spine._

_“Goodnight, Dean.” Cas whispered before his breathing evened out once again._

Cas unlocked his door and threw his coat onto the couch without even stopping on his way into the empty bedroom right to the box in the corner that still held all the unpacked sheets and curtains. He reached past that into the bottom of the box, right where Gabe had promised he wouldn’t pack it and pulled it out. Cas lifted the leather jacket and pressed it to his chest breathing slowly and letting the weight of the jacket in his arms hold him back in a way. Some thing’s after a time of being held and cried into and packed away and unpacked lose their smell or their texture but the jacket still smelled like a campfire and an engine block and laundry done with too much detergent.

Cas fell asleep curled around a jacket and Dean laid a little too close to the edge of his couch, unable to fall asleep.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A man walks into a bar with an apple pie on his head. The barman asks, "Why are you wearing an apple pie on your head?"  
> The man replies, "It's a family tradition. We always wear apple pies on our heads on Tuesday."  
> The barman remarks, "But it's Wednesday."  
> Sheepishly, the man says, "Man, I must look like a real fool." 
> 
> If you're still reading this I want to thank you for putting up with these two and me and these men with pies on their heads, so, thank you.


	13. Stomp Once

Every few months Dean’s schedules perfectly align and create one of his few true days off. This Sunday was one of them. It was already eleven o’clock in the morning and Dean only moved from the couch to grab a box of cereal from the kitchen and go to bathroom and all of the old cartoons were playing on channel 25. It was perfect.

It _was_ perfect; right up until a loud thump came from right above his head. Dean sighed, muted the TV and waited for the second thump that always came a few seconds later. It meant Cas was about to jump out of his window just for something to do but, the second stomp never came. Dean stood quickly and brushed the cereal crumbs off his sweats and t-shirt. “Impending doom?” He asked quietly, staring at the ceiling as if expecting an answer from the beige expanse.

After another few silent moments of ‘no second thump’, Dean slipped on his slippers that he kept next to the couch and left his apartment, locking the door behind him. All the way up the stairs Dean expected Cas to pop out at some point and yell, ‘hah! Got ya!’ but that really wasn’t Cas’ style. And it was because Cas hadn’t jumped out that, when Dean reached his door at the other end of the hallway he walked right in without knocking.

Cas looked up at him from the couch where he was huddles under a few different blankets with rheumy eyes. “Dean, I’m hungry and sick,” He said with a raspy voice. He was sick, Dean could see that as clear as the nose on his face, which was red and running, a high feverish blush spread across it and his cheeks.

Dean huffed but closed the door behind him. “You look like shit but, this is hardly ‘one stomp impending doom’ material.”

Cas’ hand snaked out from underneath the covers and pointed to a book that was lying about a foot away from the couch. “I didn’t have anything else heavy to throw.” He said before hacking into his arm and lying down again.

Dean looked at the almost pathetic lump on the couch and heaved a sigh of sympathetic weariness. “You said you’re hungry?” Dean asked walking over to Cas’ kitchen.

Cas made a low, affirming sound from the couch.

Dean opened the first few cupboards to find them empty and then sighed wrenching open the fridge to find three eggs and an a half-eaten bag of cereal. “Cas,” Dean said straightening and turning sharply to the back of the couch, “for the love of god why is there cereal in your fridge?”

Cas head peeked over the couch. “I don’t know, I don’t really have any food so I keep it all grouped together.”

“How am I supposed to make you food if you _have none?_ ” Cas ducked out of sight but that didn’t stop Dean. “You have been living in this town for almost three months and I’m not even sure if you know where the supermarket is.”

Cas coughed for a moment before responding. “I do to. Where do you think I bought the cereal?”

Dean rounded the couch and sat down next to his head. “Cas, what the hell? Have you been eating?” Dean asked, the horrible thought of Cas wasting away in his drafty apartment suddenly springing to mind.

“Of course I’ve been eating, Dean.” Cas said, shooting him a scathing look. “I just don’t eat in that often.”

“You just go out to eat all the time?”

“Yes.” Cas said sharply tucking his head under the covers. “If you’re so desperate for me to have groceries why don’t we just go shopping?”

Dean shrugged. “That would be a great idea, if you weren’t so sick.”

Cas sniffed one more time. “No, we can go; while we’re there I’ll pick up some medicine.” Cas shrugged off the blanket and sat up, swaying for a second. “Let me just get my boots on.”

“Cas, no, come on this won’t help you get better.” Dean said reaching out to pull Cas back onto the couch.

Cas ducked down, effectively avoiding Dean’s hand, and pulled out his boots from next to couch. “Nonsense, fresh air and shopping for food and medicine is the perfect cure.” Cas was already slipping on his boots. They were brand new, the tread wasn’t worn down and the laces weren’t frayed or seem to need to be pulled tight just to get them to fit after long hours of wear, like Dean’s winter boots did. Dean felt something set in his stomach, he didn’t know what. Cas turned to Dean and saw him staring. “What?”

“Where do you work again?” Dean said breaking himself out of his reverie.

Cas seemed to stiffen when Dean looked him in the eyes. “I told you; it’s a publication based in Oregon.”

“Sure, or you’re writing reports on this town for some shadowy government organization so they can do tests on us.” Dean said.

“Dean,” Cas said seriously. “If I’m writing reports it’s for a private company, they pay better.” Cas stood up and walked over to the door where his trench coat hung. “Dean, come on.”

_Dean watched with no small amount of fascination as Cas’ hands flew across the keyboard of the aging computers in the back of the public library, only stopping to flip the pages of the notebook from which he was reading._

_Cas stopped after a few minutes and cracked his fingers before going back to typing as If he’s never stopped. Dean was broke from the trance that Cas’ fingers had put him in my a small polite cough a little bit away. Dean looked up to see a librarian standing at the end of the ‘aa-ca’ row, with a disapproving look on her face. Dean held up the book he’d been reading to show her that, yes, he was actually doing something. She shot him a final suspicious look before walking back down the aisle. Dean turned back to Cas only to find him looking at him._

_“What’s wrong?” Cas said, glancing back at the notebook and continuing to type._

_Dean sighed. “Just some librarian caught me looking at you.”_

_A breathy laugh slipped out of Cas’ mouth before he spoke. “Does my perpetually angry visage entice you or something?”_

_“No, it was more your typing skills and your ‘visage’ is it not perpetually angry. Why would you say that?” Dean asked folding the corner of the page of the book he’d been reading and closing it._

_“It is when I have to write these reports for Shurley’s class.” Cas said, reaching out to flip the page of his notebook again but, looking over at Dean. “Promise me, Dean, if I ever grow up and get some job writing reports for the government, punch me right in the face.” Cas said looking back down at his tiny handwriting across the page, fingers going back to flying over the keyboard._

_“If you ever get a job typing up reports for anyone, I should hope it’s not for the government.” Dean said putting the book in his bag and standing._

_Cas’ hands stilled once again and Cas looked up to Dean. “Why?”_

_Dean leaned down and quickly laid a kiss on Cas’ lips. “Go private, they pay better.” Dean grinned and backed out of the computer pod into the rows of books. Cas could only stare at him until he disappeared. That was the first time that Dean Winchester had kissed Castiel Novak in public without looking around to make sure no one was there first._

“I have to stop by my apartment.” Dean murmured, seemingly mesmerized by the spot that Cas’ face had been in.

“That’s fine, come on.” Cas said, leaning heavily against his door frame.

-

Dean watched as Cas tucked his trench coat around his legs after he climbed into the Impala. “It snowed so much over night.” Cas said shivering slightly before Dean flicked on heat.

“Yeah, that’s the way it works up here.” Dean pulled out of the parking lot and started down the road before he spoke again. “Cas, do you even know the way to the store?” He said glancing over at Cas, who was currently burrowing himself further and into his jacket and staring sleepily out the window.

“Hmhm.” Cas replied.

“Sure.” Dean said before turning the radio on to the soft rock station and letting Cas doze until they got to the store. “Come on, Cas.” He said as he parked and killed the engine. Cas didn’t respond. “Cas, come on.” Dean repeated, tapping Cas on the shoulder.

“No, what the fuck?” Cas said under his breath, pushing himself against the window more.

Dean groaned hit Cas on the shoulder, which earned him a glare over the shoulders. “I know I look like a million bucks but I don’t have a million bucks, I can’t buy your groceries. Come on.”

Cas only responded by digging deep into his pocket, pulling out a battered wallet and shoving it into Dean’s hand. “Dean, I feel like I’m about to hurl if I move.” Cas groaned and seemed to curl in on himself.

“Okay, okay!” Dean said, panicked. “Don’t throw up in my car!” He shouted as he got out of the car and started toward the grocery store. It was only until he got to the door that he stopped to open up the wallet and see how much he was working with. Dean stopped in the middle of the automatic door much to the annoyance of the woman who was walking behind him but, Dean couldn’t be bothered to care. Inside Cas’ battered, unassuming wallet lay a bunch of twenties with tens and fives between a few of them. “Oh my god.” Dean said staring into the little wallet.

“Walk much?” A kid said, shouldering past him, snapping Dean out of the trance the money had put him in.

Dean closed the wallet and walked over to the carts in the entryway. “Don’t freak out.” Dean said quietly as he white knuckled the cart up and down the aisles, stopping to stiffly read the prices on the items before tossing them into cart. It was a habit to double check the prices and always go for the cheapest option but Dean, never had this type of money burning a hole in his back pocket. “But, it’s not my money.” Dean muttered before putting a few cans of soup into the cart.  

Dean got to the checkout and internally winced when he got to the end and saw the price, almost actually wincing when he fed the money into the machine and still came out with a lot of money left over. Dean abandoned the cart and carried the bags to his car where Cas was stilled huddled around himself.

“Did you actually buy anything using my money?” Cas asked glancing into his wallet after Dean had handed it back to him.

“Yes.” Dean said a little sharply. Dean had had an inkling that Cas was a bit more well off since he moved back into town but, this seemed worse than anything that he’d thought.

“Okay.” Cas said slowly, putting the wallet back.

Dean was so wrapped on in his thoughts on the drive back he didn’t notice Cas getting more and more sick looking by moment. “Tell the truth,” Dean snapped when he pulled into the parking spot next to the building, “was this some kind of test?”

Cas didn’t respond, only launching himself out of the Impala and retching in between the wall and the front bumper of the car next to them. Dean got out of the Impala and raced around to Cas side. Cas looked up at him with unfocused eyes. “I didn’t want to throw up in your car.” He said resting his head on the icy hood of the stranger’s car.

“Shit, Cas, come on.” It took two trips to get everything upstairs, one for Cas who was swaying like a drunk and another for all the groceries. Cas collapsed on the couch and didn’t move until Dean had put them away and heated up some soup for him. Dean settled on the couch next where Cas’ head had fallen, setting the bowl of soup on the coffee table in front of him. “Cas.” Dean whispered, nudging his shoulder.

“It wasn’t a test.” Cas rasped, turning over and trying to sit up.

“It’s okay, I’m sorry.” Dean said, helping him sit up and reaching down to untie his shoes.

“What’re you sorry for?” Cas said leaning heavily on Dean as he shouldered off his coat.

Dean made sure the bowl was securely in Cas’ hands before he spoke. “For thinking you would be mean enough to do something like that when you’re sick out of your mind. Or anytime at all, actually. I’m just sorry, okay?”

Cas sipped the soup contemplatively for a moment before he let it rest in his lap. “I forgave you, Dean.” Cas said, his eyes slipping closed faster and faster every time he blinks.

“Okay,” Dean said slipping the soup out of his hands and back onto the table, “wrong tense but, I’ll take it.” Dean stood and let Cas fall back onto the couch and pulled the blankets from where they’d been bunched and spread them over Cas’ almost sleeping form.

“Not really” Cas murmured sleepily as Dean slipped out of his apartment.

-

About a week later Dean knocked on Cas’ door with the hand holding the mail he’d grabbed from Cas’ box in the lobby. On the other side of the door he could hear Cas’ gravelly voice speaking. The door swung open to a stone-faced Cas. “I think you’re a damn dirty liar.” He said moving out of the way so Dean could walk in.

“Cas, if this is a bad time, I-” Dean started but Cas cut him off a wave of his hand.

“No, Anna, I actually can’t believe that Inias did that to you.” Cas turned again leaving Dean in his open doorway and giving Dean full view of the other side of his head where a phone was held to his ear. “Do I dare remind you of your seventh birthday party which happened three months after your real one?”

Cas held out his hand for the mail in Dean’s and Dean crossed the threshold and closed the door behind him to numbly slipped it into his hand. Cas turned away from Dean and began flipping through the letters discarding most of them in his trash except for one which he slid under a loaf of bread on his counter and another which he immediately opened. Cas leaned his back against the counter and pinned the phone in between his ear and his shoulder. “Anna,” he said as he ripped open the end of the letter and pulled out the sheets of paper inside lengthwise, “all I’m saying is that remembering dates is not your strong suit. It’s not impossible that your anniversary is next month, like Inias says.” Cas ended with a groan as he read through the letter. “No, not you. Yeah, the, uh, office.”

“I can really go.” Dean said again gesturing back towards the door.

Cas took the phone away from his ear and pressed it to his shirt. “Please, don’t. I’ll just be two seconds.” The opened letter joined the one underneath the loaf of bread as Cas brought the phone back to his ear. “Look, Anna, someone just walked in and I,” a pause and a sigh, “yes Anna, that someone.” Cas paused and listened to his sister on the phone. “No, Anna. Goodbye. I love you.” Cas hung up the phone and sighed heavily, running a hand over his face.

“So, I’m ‘that someone’?” Dean asked and Cas shot a glare over at him.

“She thinks I have no friends so whenever I say ‘I’m going to meet someone’ or ‘I have to go’ she always assumes it’s you.” Cas shrugged and walked over to the couch. “She is never wrong.”

Dean laughed and sat on the other end of the couch.

“So was this purely a mail run or did you have another purpose for climbing the additional steps?” Cas asked leaning on the arm rest.

“Oh, yeah, remember that alien movie that came out when we were in high school and we never got to see it even though we both really wanted to?” Dean asked

Cas furrowed his brown and thought for a moment before answering. “Yes.” He said slowly. “I think.”

“Well, it’s on TV tonight and I was wondering if you wanted to come watch it with me?” Dean said and the text alert tone on his phone went off but he made no move to answer it.

“That would be great.” Cas said, the ends of his mouth curving up into his ‘almost-a-smile’ smile. “Who texted you?”

Dean smiled back and took out his phone. “It’s Sam, apparently I need to talk to him.” Dean groaned when his phone beeped again. “It is so important I need to go to his apartment right away.” Dean stood and rolled his eyes at Cas who smiled back fully now.

“It sounds like something urgent.” Cas said.

“Sure, I’ll see you, in a bit. The movie starts at eight, so you can come early and eat dinner, if you want.” Dean backed said as he backed into the hallway outside of Cas’ apartment.

Cas leaned up against his door frame. “That would be great, I’ll see you at around seven, is that okay?”

“That’s great. See you.” Dean said still walking backwards down the hall until his phone went off and he looked down to answer it.

Cas closed his door and leaned up against it a long sigh escaping his mouth.

Skooma meowed lowly from across the room on top of the kitchen counter top.

Cas glared at his cat. “Oh, shush, you old curmudgeon and get down from there.”

-

“This is amazing.” Dean said taking a seat at Sam’s dining room table. “Absolutely amazing.” He repeated to himself, more for his own benefit than his pacing little brother’s.

“I know, it’s the exact same thing I thought to myself last night. It took me so long to realize I want to marry Jess.” Sam said leaning over the back of the chair opposite Dean. “And when I did realize it, I was amazed that I hadn’t thought of it before.”

“Sammy, I’m so happy for you.” Dean stood up again and reached around the table to grab a hold of his brother’s shoulders and pull him into a tight hug. “That’s really the ring?” He said, after he released Sam, and looked down at the little diamond set ring in velvet box. Sam held his hand over his mouth and nodded. “And you’re going to do it tonight?” Another nod. “God damn.” Dean said quietly, something like pride swelling up in his chest.

Sam began to pace again. “You know I really think I do know why I couldn’t really think of taking another step with Jess and, not to blame you but, I think I was just worried about you, Dean.”

Dean shot his brother a look, who completely ignored it. “What do you mean?”

“Well, I don’t know, your insomnia was getting worse and I was moving out, I guess I was kind of afraid for you to be so alone but, now that you’ve got Cas again, you-”

“Yeah,” Dean said cutting him off. “It is nice to have a friend around a lot of the time.”

“Oh.” Sam said shortly. Moving over to the counter and picking up his earlier discarded glass of water. “Guess we’re still pretending you two are just friends.” He muttered before taking a drink.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Dean asked lowly.

“Dean, it’s okay. I know.” Sam put his glass down and put his hands up. “You’ve always been crappy at this act, you can drop it.”

Dean walked over to stand in front of his brother. “What the hell are you talking about?” Dean said quietly and evenly.

Sam was still smiling not put off by his brother’s confused and angry act. “I knew when we were kids and I know now. Who do you think told Cas to go for-”

“Shut up.” Dean said backing up and Sam could see it now, the fear in his eyes. “You don’t know shit about me or Cas. Okay? Now drop it.” Dean snapped, snagging his coat off the back of the chair he’d been sitting in. “I’m happy for you and Jess, tell me when she says ‘yes’.”

“Wait, Dean!” Sam said right before Dean got to the door.

Dean turned around slowly. “What?”

“Where were you? You know, before you came over to my place?” Sam asked, trying to suppress a little smile.

“I was over at-” Dean stopped himself with a sigh. “But, that has nothing to do with anything.” Dean said turning toward the door again.

“Yeah, it kind of does have to do with everything because you were happy when you came over here.” Sam said simply. “Take it from me but, you are not that kind of happy that often. And I’m willing to bet he’s that kind of happy, too.” Sam looked at Dean like a zookeeper looked a wild animal.

“It’s not that.” Dean said quietly his voice almost breaking as he whispered.

“What?” Sam said leaning closer.

“It’s his boots and his wallet and what I wouldn’t give to, and-” Dean stopped himself and looked back up at Sam and seemed to realize who he was talking to again. “You don’t know, okay?”

Sam opened his mouth to speak but Dean was already out the door.

-

Cas knocked on Dean’s door for the second time with no answer. “Dean?” Cas called out pushing the door open to an empty apartment. Cas sighed and pulled out his phone and hit Dean’s contact.

It rang three times before someone picked up. The sound of a rowdy crowd filled Cas’ ears before the answerer hung up the phone. Cas furrowed his brow and scrolled down a bit to hit Sam’s number. It only rang once.

“Hey, Cas?” Sam answered.

“Hello, Sam. I was wondering if Dean was still with you?” Cas said shutting the door to Dean’s apartment and making his way back up the stairs. He really couldn’t blame Dean if he’d forgotten about hanging out with Cas in lieu of being with his brother.

“No, he left hours ago. Why?” Sam asked adopting a worried tone.

“Well, he asked me to watch this movie with him tonight but, he isn’t in his apartment and when I tried to call him all I heard were loud noises. I don’t know, maybe, he just forgot. I just got worried. I’m sorry for bothering you.” Cas took the phone away from his face intending to hang up to avoid an embarrassing conversation about Cas’ overprotectiveness of his older brother.

Sam was calling to Cas. “Cas? Cas?”

He slowly brought the phone back to ear. “Yes, Sam?”

“Dean would not forget about, uh, being with you tonight. But, Cas,” Cas heard a door click from Sam’s line and his voice got significantly quieter. “I’m about to do one of the biggest things in my life right now but, I do know where Dean is.”

“Where is he?” Cas asked as he speed walked down the hall to his apartment and pulled on his trench coat.

”Do you know where third street is?”

“Yes.” Cas said grabbing a pen and a piece of paper.

“Get on to it from Main street and go down it about a mile there is a smaller road on the right called ‘Saw Mill Road’ go down that road and on the left there’s a bar called ‘The Saw’. It’s pretty seedy but that’s where Dean is.”

Cas finished writing and stopped for a moment. “Why did Dean go to ‘The Saw’ and not The Roadhouse?”

Sam sighed. “Because when Dean is pissed or sad or out of sorts in any way Ellen won’t let him drink.”

“Why is Dean upset or ‘out of sorts’?” Cas asked, growing concerned.

Sam sighed. “When he came over here, we talked about some stuff that may have made him a little testy.”

Cas bristled. “Dean, does not get testy.”

“This isn’t the time for a discussion in the behavior of Dean Winchester. You need to go get him out of there before he does something stupid.” Sam said, stressing every word.

Fine, thank you, Sam. I’ll call you after I pick him up.” Cas said as he swept out the door.

“You probably shouldn’t.” Sam said quietly, dropping his voice to whisper. “I’m going to propose to Jess tonight, so-”

“Oh!” Cas exclaimed, still racing down the stairs. “I’m so happy. Tell me when she says yes!” Cas hung up before Sam could respond and continued down the stairs.

-

The Saw is loud and filled to the absolute brim with people. It was dark and smelled of sweat and beer. Cas walked in an immediately saw Dean sitting at the bar, it was like a spot light showed down from above, he seemed to glow in the dim light of the bar. He was threw back a shot and leaned into a woman sitting next to him, laughing loudly over the music that was being pumped into the room. Cas’ heart sank a little for reasons he didn’t want to explore just yet. Cas crossed the bar and gripped Dean’s shoulder and turned him around.

“Hey, this your lady?” Dean said, slurring and not focusing on Cas until after he righted himself. “Oh, this is Cas.” Dean clapped his hand on Cas’ opposite shoulder and leaned back to talk to the girl again. “This is Cas.” He announced almost proudly.

She turned around and eyes Cas up and down. “He’s been talking about you all night.” She said over the music.

“Have not!” Dean said to her before leaning into Cas and repeating it. “Have not.” Dean shook his head and swayed for a second before looking at Cas again. “What are you doing at The Saw? You don’t come here.” Dean asked as if just realizing that Cas was where he was and was offended by that fact.

“I’ve come to take you home, Dean.” Cas said leaning in close to Dean’s ear rather than shout at him over the music.

Dean leaned in closer and laid his head on Cas’ shoulder. “Okay.” Cas heard him faintly murmur.

Cas started to lead Dean out of the bar when a shout from the bartender stopped him. “He needs to pay his freaking tab.” The tall man behind the bar demanded.

“I’m sorry.” Cas said, starting to pull out his wallet, when Dean reached over and hit his hand away, pulling out his own wallet. “You don’t get to pay for my shit.” Dean growled before slapping down the money on the bar and stalking out.

Cas followed close behind. “What’s wrong, Dean?” Cas asked as soon as the fresh winter air hit his face.

“You don’t get to pay for my shit.” Dean repeated swaying. Cas only responded by guiding Dean to the passenger side of his car and letting him fall asleep on the way home.

-

Cas leaned over Dean and fitted his mouth to his. Dean moaned and tried to push himself off of the bed further into Cas’ arms. “Cas.” He moaned as Cas pushed him down again.

“You have to stop moving.” Cas said with a note of urgency in his voice. Dean opened his eyes and looked up at Cas, shirtless and bed headed, his pupils wide and gorgeous. “Winchester.” He said again, not masking the worry in his voice. “You have to stop moving.” Cas dissolved into dust before his eyes but the pressure on his chest remained.

The medical officer leaned over him from his left side. “Winchester, you’ve got to stop moving or you will lose this.” He turned to someone next to him. Dean tried to breathe but the air was only heat and dust, it was filling up his lungs and blocking everything out.

“He’s going into shock.” A voice said below his field of vision at the same time a single searing burst of pain shot through his body starting at his left knee and shooting outwards like a bolt of electricity.

Electricity and heat and pain. That was all Dean knew.

-

Dean shot up on the couch flailing at the feeling of his legs being wrapped up by his blanket. “Dean.” Cas’ voice shot through the panic and Dean froze, to see Cas perched on his coffee table with a book in his hand. “It’s okay.”

Dean laid back on the couch and tried to breathe again. “It’s okay.” He repeated back to Cas.

“I hope you don’t mind that I stayed here. I didn’t want something to happen to you during the night. So I stayed up.” Cas said placing the book next to him on the coffee table. “I can go if you’d like.”

Dean looked over at Cas, he looked so concerned and earnest.  “No, don’t leave. Okay, don’t leave.” Dean was still having a hard time breathing when he noticed the book Cas had been reading. “Why’d you choose that one?” Dean asked pulling himself up into a sitting position, Cas’ hand coming out to help him but pulling away right before he made contact.

“There weren’t a lot of choices, Dean. And I didn’t want to leave to go grab something from my apartment in case you started to, I don’t choke on your vomit or something.”

Dean glanced over at the other two books he owned and grabbed the one on the bottom. “Why didn’t you read this one, you always liked poetry, right?”

Cas shrugged but made no comment on Dean’s choice. “I see you still dog ear the books instead of finding a bookmark.”

Dean chuckled dryly. “I like to know I’ve made a mark on something.” He handed the book over to Cas. “Would you believe I bought that copy brand new?”

One wouldn’t think that, looking at the battered spine and slightly yellowed pages of the paperback. Cas flipped open the book to one of the dog eared pages. “Why this one?” He asked quietly, eyes skimming over the page.

Dean looked over the top of the book at the page he was referring to and shrugged a bit too nonchalantly. “I really like it. You should read it, out loud, I mean. You always had a really good reading voice.” Dean slipped down a little and got comfortable again. "And I mean you should read the book, too. Poetry of Children is really good."

Cas looked uncomfortable but only looked at Dean. “Really? This poem?”

“Come on, Cas. Dying man’s last wish right here.”

Cas huffed. “You’re not dying; you’re just hung over.” But unfolded the corner and read it anyway.

-

You use words like you breathe air  
Letting them slip between your teeth  
Every day, without a thought  
Lungs contracting  
Words forming  
Automatically

  
I use words like water  
The water of a man in a desert  
Dying of dehydration  
Sparingly  
So as to draw my last moments out  
Until I have no more

  
Yet, I wouldn't give the sweet taste of a dying man's last sip  
Even to share the breath lingering on your lip

 


	14. Celebrations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter starts off right were the last left off so, if you need to go back and refresh your memory, that's cool.

'I will clean the dirt I spilled.'  
It's still there  
On the other pillow of my bed  
I've moved twice  
The dirt remains  
Change my sheets  
The dirt remains  
Change my bed mate  
The dirt remains  
Wash my skin  
The dirt remains  
I just want to be a human again  
But only the dirt remains

_-_ Emmanuel Allen, _“The Dirt Remains”_

_Poetry of Children_

 

-

Cas closed the book and looked up at Dean who staring at the ceiling. “Dean?” He said quietly.

Dean didn’t appear to hear him but spoke anyway. “It’s so weird.”

“What is?”

Dean turned over and looked at Cas. “That you sound like you’ve read that before. You just knew how to read it right away.”

Cas looked down at the book and swallowed. “Dean, you-” Cas started and stopped when Dean began to talk at the same time.

“You should read that book, all the way through, it’s really good.” Dean said.

Cas waved his hand, seemingly dismissing the idea. “Dean, you had a nightmare before you woke up and-”

Dean sat up and swung his legs off the couch so that he was right in front of Cas. “That doesn’t matter. Really, you should read the book; I think you’d like it.” Cas looked at Dean and could see that he was just trying to change the subject to anything but the nightmare.

Cas tossed the book, onto the couch. “Fine, Dean. But, you had a nightmare and you said my name in your sleep.”

Dean shifted and tossed his back to look at the ceiling again. “Cas, I don’t-”

“Dean, please.” Cas said quietly and Dean looked down at him again slowly. “You would tell me, if I was stressing you out and causing you to have nightmares, wouldn’t you?” Cas chewed on his lip and stared at Dean, his eyes wide and earnest.

“No,” Dean said quietly and for a second, Cas recoiled. “I mean, when we were, um, I have nightmares because, shit.” Dean could see Cas getting confused. Dean rested his elbows on his knees and looked up at Cas.

“Dean.” Cas whispered. “It’s okay.”

“When we were together, when we were kids,” Dean said quietly, speaking more to Cas’ knees, than to his face, “I, uh, that was the best part, the good part of the dream. You’re there and then you’re not and that’s when the bad part happens.”

Cas reached forward and took Dean’s hands in his own. “Dean, what happens?” He whispered.

Dean dropped his head again this time letting it rest on their hands. “I get shot.” A long shaky breath escaped from Dean’s mouth. “I’ve been getting shot in the fucking leg every night since I came back from Iraq three years ago.”

-

_A dessert is no place for a man wearing a hundred pounds of gear on his back. Dean was twenty-three and it was his second tour of duty for the United States Army. It was the middle of December and Dean had been sent out that morning to guard a large building, housing someone or something that was in need of being guarded, with fourteen other men._

_“Dreaming of a White Christmas, Chav?” He called ahead to one the other patrol men, Chavez, who had stopped and was staring up into the sky._

_Chavez didn’t respond only turned slightly and swaying._

_“Chav?” Dean called out again, jogging the last few meters two him. “You okay?”_

_Chavez turned to face Dean fully now and caught himself on the wall. “I think I’m hot.” He said panting slightly._

_“Yeah, I think you are.” He said taking in his red face._

_“Not the time, Winchester.” He laughed weakly and Dean pulled him upright, away from the wall._

_“Come on, go to the tent on the west side of the building and get some more water or something, you look like you’re going to fall over. I’ll cover your spot for a bit.” Chav agreed and started around to other side of building, he’d only been out of sight for a minute when Dean heard it; a loud crack from the across the sand. Dean didn’t have time to turn his head, however, to the source of the sound as his left leg was shot out from beneath him. A loud scream came from somewhere and it took Dean a moment to realize that it was coming from himself._

_Footsteps and yelling, the sound of gunfire, heat and pain, electricity and dust that was all Dean became._

-

Cas felt a hot tear slip down the back of his hand.

“I looked up into the sky and it was so blue but, all I could see was the blue of your eyes.” Dean said, still pressing his face into his and Cas’ hands. “I thought I was going to die but all I could remember is that I- I never said ‘I’m sorry’.”

“Dean,” Cas said slipping his hands out of Dean’s and wrapping his hands around Dean’s shoulders. Dean seemed to collapse into the hug. “I didn’t-” Cas trailed off. “I don’t know what to say.”

“I’m sorry.” Dean said into his shoulder. “I should have said it earlier.”

“It’s okay.” Cas said holding him tighter.

“Yeah, it’s okay, if you want to go. You don’t have to hang around while I have a pity party.” Dean said into Cas’ shoulder a moment later, though he showed no signs of releasing Cas.

“I don’t want to leave you.” Cas murmured.

-

Christmas time came quite quickly. And it had Cas worried. “I’m really positive, he’ll love whatever you get him.” Sam said over the top of the low shelves in the small, earthy smelling store.

Cas reached out and ran his finger along one of the leather bound journals in front of him. “Dean doesn’t seem like the type to write in a journal.” He said quietly, as if he hadn’t heard Sam speak.

Sam laughed and leaned on the top of the shelves. “No, he’s more of a bottle it up until the day he dies kind of guy.”

Cas’ eyes drifted down to the end of the aisle were a small display of different sized bottles artfully filled with fake plants stood. His eyes lingered on the little pseudo-biomes before he looked back at Sam, who’d followed his line of sight, and cocked and eyebrow at him.

“Well, maybe not whatever.” He clarified with a chuckle that Cas returned.

“I know.” Cas said, somewhat wistfully. “What did you get for Jess?” He said making his way down the aisle before turning down the one that Sam stood in.

“I got this little album and I filled it with all of these pictures I took of us from when we were kids.” Sam said smiling satisfactorily down at his hands. “I know she’ll love it. She a total sap for things like that.”

Cas snorted a bit and looked at the items on the shelves. “Seems like you are, too.” He said as he picked up a ‘hand thrown mug from local artisans’, the tag informed him. Cas set it back down with a small frown set on his lips. “Dean doesn’t need that many mugs, he lives alone.” He reasoned with himself.

He continued past Sam and was still browsing when Sam spoke again. “Do you have anything from when we lived in Fitchburg?” Sam asked examining a small frame that was made out of clay but carved to look like white birch branches.

Cas looked over at Sam for a long moment, considering whether or not to tell the truth. A moment too long apparently as Sam finally looked up at him and sees him, staring at Sam, considering the truth.

“Cas?” Sam prompted.

“No.” Cas answers simply, even though he still lingered over the idea. Turning down a new aisle Cas spots a different display, next to the fake, bottled, plants. A small smile perches itself on his lips. “This could work.” Cas said simply.

-

The Roadhouse was packed. Jo sat, perched really, on the end of the bar next to the small tree, the plastic base covered in presents; she leaned over farther to hear Jess over the noise of the bar and leaned back when a loud laugh escaped her. Sam and Dean watched the two women from the other end. Sam finally tore his eyes away from his fiancée for a moment to turn to Dean. “So, Cas really isn’t coming?”

“Yeah,” Dean replied, almost mournfully, “he caught me this morning before I left for my shift at the garage. He gave me his gift and told he wouldn’t be able to make it. Something about being swamped with work or something.” Dean shrugged and took another pull of his drink.

“Oh, did you like his present?” Sam said glancing down the bar to Jess again.

“I didn’t open it.” He said simply, staring into his beer. “It’s still sitting in my car.”

“Oh come on!” Sam said hitting him on the shoulder, lightly. “Don’t be a sourpuss just because he doesn’t want to come to a party where he only knows like, two people.”

“I am not being a ‘sourpuss’. I just feel weird opening a gift without the other person there. And he didn’t even give me a chance to give him his gift.” Dean shot Sam, who was grinning and shaking his head, a look.

“Honestly, Dean? Why don’t you just wait until this is over and go visit him? That way you can exchange gifts and other things.”

Dean shot Sam another look but, only slipped off the stool and muttered under his breath. “There is no ‘other things’.” Dean turned around disappeared into the crowd of bar patrons.

Despite Dean being kind of peeved at Sam he did follow his advice and after the party, which only officially began after the bar closed, earlier than usual, but still kind of late. Dean hesitates on the first step of the last flight of stairs. “Cas barges in on me unannounced all the time.” Dean reasoned as he made his way up the stairs. “Who says I can’t do it to him?” Dean checked hi watch as he made his way down the hall; it was almost 11:30. Dean knocked on Cas’ door.

Cas opened the door, looking tired and beaten. “Cas, what’s wrong?” Dean asked as Cas moved of the way to let him in.

“It’s just,” he sighed and scrubbed his hand over his face as he made his way over to his couch where his laptop sat open, “these fucking deadlines.” He finished as he slapped the lid of his laptop shut and deposited it on the ground in front of his couch. “What’s up, Dean?”

Dean gathered himself for a moment before holding out the package he’d so meticulously wrapped. “It didn’t feel right to open your present without you opening mine.” Dean shrugged and Cas accepted it, folding himself onto the couch and tucking his legs underneath him. He cradled the gift in his lap for a moment before he looked up at Dean and patted the couch cushion next to him.

Dean sat down, close enough that their knees were almost touching. “Open yours first.” Dean said quietly.

Cas unwrapped the paper, carefully like he was opening an important letter. “Oh, Dean.” Cas gasped quietly after he opened the box and saw what was inside. He pulled out the large, light colored, leather bound journal and ran his fingers over the embossed feather on the front. It was closed by a long strip of leather wound around the front that Cas quickly untied and began to run his hand over the thick paper inside. “It’s so beautiful.” He murmured after a moment. Dean reveled in the warm feeling that settled in the base of his chest that came when Cas looked up at him, wide eyed and happy. “I love it.” He said, ducking his head immediately.

“I’m glad.” Dean said, leaning closer to Cas, and grinning.

“Open yours.” Cas insisted, hugging the journal to his chest.

Dean was less graceful with taking off the paper but the results would have been the same. There in a slim box, cushioned on top of a dark green scarf sat a pair of leather gloves. Dean picked them up reverently and rubbed his thumb over the stitching along the fingers, a matching dark green thread, appearing throughout the stich. “Cas.” He said simply before slipping them over his hands and finding that they fit, well, like a glove. “Cas.” He said again, flexing his fingers in them and holding them up for Cas’ inspection who took Dean’s hand and laced their fingers together.

Dean didn’t react, getting caught up in the dreamy expression on Cas’ face as he let his fingers dance over the back of Dean’s hand and skim of his knuckles. Dean returned the favor. Cas turned his hand over and let their palms reconnect. It didn’t register to Dean that they were sitting their holding hands for a full moment until he caught himself rubbing circles into Cas’ hand. “I should go.” Dean whispered not yet moving his hands out Cas’ grasp.

Cas frowned but, in a way that said this was no surprise. “Only if you want to.” He replied.

Dean stood and pulled Cas up, too, circling his arms around him and murmured ‘Merry Christmas’ before slipping out the door.

-

Cas wrapped the blanket that Mrs. Abbot had thrown him earlier tighter around his shoulders. “Thank you, for coming up here with me.” She said, perched on her lawn chair.

Cas looked up at her from where he was sitting on a milk crate. “Thank you for inviting me, Mrs. Abbot. I haven’t watched fireworks on New Year’s in a very long time.”

“Oh, that’s all right. I used to come up here with my husband but, since he passed I haven’t been.” Mrs. Abbot shifted under her poncho and pulled out two knitting needles and yarn. “How long till midnight, dear?” She asked.

Cas took out his phone turned it on. “Ten minutes.” Cas answered. “Were I grew up there was a noise ordinance and no one in the town could set off fireworks after midnight, so the show always started at eleven and ended at midnight.”

Mrs. Abbot laughed, deep and throaty. “That’s silly.” After a moment of only the sound of clicking knitting needles she spoke again. “What about that boy you wanted to invite with us? What happened to him?”

Cas twisted his hands together underneath the blanket. “He never got back to me.” He said, a hollow laugh slipping out. “You know I don’t think he was quite comfortable with the idea of being up here with me.”

“Why’s that?”

“The last time we watched fireworks on a roof, I kissed him.” Cas said without thinking. He turned his head sharply to gauge her reaction.

Her knitting needles didn’t miss a beat, bless her. “Oh, did he not want you to do that?” She said as if someone was telling her what she missed on the latest episode of a daytime drama.

“Yes, he did, at the time.” Cas said turning back to his nervous hands, relieved. It had been a long time since he’d been able to talk to someone about the days he spent in the presence of Dean as a teenager. “But, then he broke my heart.” Mrs. Abbot made an angry sort of noise. “He didn’t mean to.” Cas said quickly, always jumping to defend Dean.

“What did he do?” She asked.

Cas sighed heavily. “He was just gone one day. His father came back and picked them up, drove off with him and his little brother. I didn’t even find out what happened to him until this year.”

This time Mrs. Abbot’s click-clacking knitting needles did pause. “Oh, dear. That must have been so horrible for you.”

“At the time, I felt like my world was ending.” Cas said staring out at the tops of buildings and trees. “I’d only felt like that once before.”

Cas felt Mrs. Abbot lay her hand on his shoulder and he turned to look at her. “What does it feel like now?” She said, looking into his eyes earnestly.

Cas felt that familiar weight settle in his chest that he got when Dean came to mind. “It feels like I’m still in love with him.”

A trail of green screamed into the inky black sky and exploded.

-

Dean rolled over for the third time so that he was facing the back of the couch. Explosions from the sky echoed throughout Dean’s apartment like they did every Fourth of July and New Year’s. In a small lull happening in between the barrage of lights and noise, Dean heard his phone buzz from the coffee table. He rolled over almost falling off the couch. **Cas: One New Text**. Dean groaned and unlocked his phone.

**Cas: Happy 11 years. haha**

Dean felt a small smile twitch on his lips despite the strange feeling in the pit of his stomach. Dean rolled back over and tucked the phone into his chest. He knew Cas didn’t expect him to respond, a lot of the texts that Cas sent him went unanswered, only for Cas to walk into Dean’s apartment later in the day continuing his thought as if it hadn’t gone ignored for an hour and a half.  Dean knew for a fact that Cas had antagonized over the text for the last ten minutes and finally tacked the ‘haha’ at the end. He’d seen him do it time and time again with Anna and Gabriel.

It was so normal for Dean to ignore Cas’ little thoughts that he sent him, Cas would be there, wherever Dean was, to continue the thought without skipping a beat, in just a moment.

**Me: Thanks Cas, you too.**

-

The only thing better than Christmas, in Dean Winchester’s personal opinion, was his birthday. It was made better by the fact that Cas would actually be turning up to this party (He’d made him promise, twice). Ellen had shut down the bar this time and invited everyone Dean knew to come and celebrate. “The drinks, however, will only be free for the birthday boy.” Ellen had announced at the beginning of the night. It was met with a chorus of groans and Dean cheering in the middle of it all a large crown strapped to his head and, already halfway gone.

Dean had taken it upon himself to pull Cas around to all of the people he knew and introduce Cas to them. “You don’t know anyone, Cas.” Dean had said very seriously after his fourth or fifth shot of the night, not counting all the other alcohol he consumed. Cas was staying sober as he was Dean’s ride back to their apartment after the night was over. Dean had left Cas alone to go harass Sam after he’d felt he’d introduced him enough for the night. Cas settled down at the table with some of Dean’s coworkers at the garage who were discussing the latest hockey match. Cas only paid half attention to them as he kept an eye on Dean, weaving through the crowd.

“Jeez,” one of Dean’s mechanic buddies said, lowly, “the last time I saw goo goo eyes like that my kid was mooning over a bunny rabbit.” The table erupted in laughter and Cas flushed when he realized they were talking about him.

Something twisted in Cas stomach and he stood. “I need some air.” He muttered and slipped out side of the bar into the cold night air. Cas was only standing outside for a few moments before Dean burst out of the doors of The Roadhouse.

“What are you doing out here?” Dean said walking over to him slowly.

“Just getting some air, Dean. You can go back inside.” Cas answered fully expecting Dean to turn around.

Dean just scoffed and threw his hands up in the air. “No way, Jose. What kind of friend do you think I am?” Dean asked. “I am offended.” Dean stumbled the last few steps and ended up leaning heavily on Cas.

Cas laughed and righted Dean. “No, most of your friends are in there, it’s your night, you should be with them.”

Dean blew a loud raspberry. “Forget’um.” He said grinning. “Let’s blow this joint.” Before Cas could protest, Dean grabbed his arm and pulled him to Cas’ car. “Come on, we are going, let’s go!” He said loudly as he climbed into the passenger seat.

Back in the warmth and safety of Dean’s apartment, Dean pushed Cas onto his couch before sitting down next to him and leaning heavily on him, his eyes sliding shut.

“Dean, I can go if you want.” Cas whispered.

“Pfft, no.” He said simply pushing Cas down farther and using his stomach as a pillow. “This is my birthday present.”

“Wait.” Cas murmured leaning over Dean and taking of his shoes before relaxing fully on the small couch that two grown men had no business trying to share. “Okay.” Cas said simply before Dean grabbed his blanket off the floor and covered them both.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, if you're following me on [tumblr](alarmingcas.tumblr.com) then you might know that in this past week I lost the outline and all the work that I had for this chapter twice which is the reason why this chapter is so much shorter than usual, so I hope you liked it and all that jazz.


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